Thursday, December 29, 2011
Monday, December 19, 2011
The past year has been a somewhat roller coaster year for both me and DH. I've had a lot of laughs and shed a lot of tears. I've had a couple of office crisis and I've also been promoted. The last quarter of the year has been filled with trips to the fertility clinic and loads and loads of hormone injections and pills. A lot of ups and downs, that's for sure. It's fitting that my birthday is in December coz for me the new year starts on the day of my birthday. It's a day when I look back at the year that has gone by and see whether I had been a good wife, daughter, sister and friend.
There are a lot of things to be thankful for this year. I'm thankful to be blessed with six years of marital bliss with DH, an incredible incredible man. I'm thankful for my parents and sisters who love me. I'm thankful for the wonderful friends that I have. I'm thankful for the new friends I've made on BabyCenter and for their advice and encouragement. Most of all, this year I am thankful for the chance to experience pregnancy, even if it was only for six weeks. I never thought that being pregnant was even possible for me and it did happen and I enjoyed every minute of it.
Of course there were a few downs, most notably my miscarriage. It was definitely the most emotionally painful experience of my life. It was a very humbling experience. Having had to go through fertility treatment and then a miscarriage made me realize how much I've taken for granted the blessings that the Almighty has given me and that as easily He has given me such blessing, He could take it away just as easily.
I have decided that I will not look back at my failure to bring my little peanut to full term. It was nobody's fault. It most definitely was not mine. I tried and I failed. So I will keep my head up and believe that with a lot of faith and determination, I will have a baby. If not this year, then someday. We will try again with, if not IVF, another round of IUI next year and InsyaAllah our baby will be waiting for us.
My wish for everyone, especially my fellow infertiles is that we will never lose hope. Hope is a very powerful thing indeed. One of my favourite poems is by Emily Dickinson, aptly titled "Hope."
Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,
And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.
I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.
And with that, I wish everyone a very good year ahead. Much love :)
Thursday, December 15, 2011
“You are not a failure. You’ve done nothing wrong so please, please, please stop thinking that. Infertility is a medical issue and not at all a reflection on who you are as a person, a sister, a daughter, a wife, a friend or a woman. Don’t be ashamed because I swear to you – infertility doesn’t make you any less of a person or any less deserving of happiness.”
I know for a fact that most of us (myself included) that we see ourselves as failures. We fail to give our husbands children that we're meant to bring into the world. We fail to give our parents children. We fail to give our siblings nieces and nephews. We simply fail. When in actual fact we shouldn't think of ourselves that way. I personally believe that we infertiles are the strongest kind of women. We've been thrown with all kinds of hardships and tests, failed fertility treatments or pregnancies only to be followed with miscarriages and still we soldier on. The word "giving up" does not exist in our dictionary. Well at least not in mine.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
I told DH about my meltdown and what he said comforted me. He told me that he will never be angry at me for being upset over the miscarriage because it was my body which experienced the pregnancy and I am the one who would feel the loss more. God I love that man! I don't suppose there's any expiry date for grieving coz I sure didn't get the memo. So I'm gonna continue doing what I'm doing now which is to take one step at a time no matter how long it takes.
On a happier note two of my BBC friends had positive beta this morning! Hooray for Mattie and Mandy!! My BBC board rocks! :)
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
A BBC friend recently had a miscarriage too. She was 7 weeks pregnant. Another friend on my FB shared her news on her miscarriage this morning. Seriously, enough with the bad news already!
Speaking of BBC, I'm happy to report that I still keep in touch with my community members. Checking my board is something I do every morning and late at night. They are an amazing, strong bunch of women. I can honestly say that women struggling with infertility have an inner strength that we sometimes forget we have. Come on. We've had several disappointments in our struggle and yet we pick ourselves up (after we've done our grieving) and we move on. You can't be any stronger than that, can you? I feel extremely happy reading on high beta numbers and strong heartbeats. And oh gosh, news of multiple pregnancies make me smile like you wouldn't believe. I also share their disappointments, anger and sadness over failed treatments and miscarriages. I have never met any of these women. I probably never will but they are my comrades in the struggle with infertility. If anybody understands what I'm going through (aside from DH and my buttcheeks), it's them. I wish them all the best and loads of babydusts and hopefully one day InsyaAllah I'll join them in sharing my news of high beta number and super strong heartbeats (and maybe multiples!) :)
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Saw my doctor and he looked at us and told us that he didn't have any explanation as to why I miscarried. According to him I had no infection and no fibroid so he was every bit as puzzled as I was. But he said there could be two reasons:
One: my baby rejected my body. How depressing is that? My baby is not even born and he already rejected me.
Two: my egg could be not mature enough when we did the ET which prevented it from further growth.
Sigh...well at least Prof looked every bit as upset as I was which I'm so grateful for. It means that he cares.
He gave me two options:
One: do an IUI procedure with a new protocol where he will take more of DH's sperm sample and inject it in my uterus so that it will flow right through my tubes and to the waiting ovum. The percentage of success is up to 40% which is about the same as IVF.
Two: do another round of IVF but this time I will have to take my clomid and progesterone on alternate days to slow down the growth of my follicles.
DH is more inclined towards the new IUI protocol. I'm not. I've failed two IUIs before and I'm not too excited to do another one but I'm willing to try again if DH really wants to do it. If we decide to do it we'll do it next month InsyaAllah. In true meantime Prof gave me a month's worth of aspirin to thin my blood so there will be no clots left from the miscarriage. I sure I won't freak out when my next period comes. According to him there'll be PLENTY of blood.
Two days ago Bella told me that her IVF procedure would have to be aborted since she only had two eggs. I felt so sad for her coz I know what disappointment feels like. But she will proceed with IUI with her two eggs. In so hoping that it will work for her. Will be having dinner with her and Taka tonight. Can't wait! I feel like its been ages since I last saw them. Until next time peeps. Toodles!!
Monday, November 28, 2011
Saturday, 26 November 2011
DH decided to take me away to a hotel in a city for the weekend. I loved the idea. Two days and one night of hanging out in a fancy hotel room and sleeping on a bed so comfortable you never want to wake up. Who wouldn't love the idea? So we packed our bags and headed to the city.
The hotel was nice enough but it was under renovation do there was a lot of noise during the day from the construction work. But the bed and pillows were awesome so I didn't complain. We forgot to pack socks in our suitcase so DH made a pair using the hotel bathroom hand towels. It was really sweet of him to do that.
Sunday, 27 November 2011
DH's dad and stepmom came to KL and they were supposed to have lunch together with DH's sister and her family. I told DH that I wasn't ready to see them and he understood. I was grateful that he didn't push me to come along.
Monday, 28 November 2011
It was a public holiday so went to The Gardens Mall to get my wheatgrass, barley grass and chlorella supplement. A friend of mine said that they were good to cleanse the body and that a few months after she started taking them, she conceived and carried the baby full term after miscarrying a few months before. I figured it was worth a shot but damn! Those things are expensive! We spent RM259 for the whole package. DH fixed me a concoction of the wheatgrass, barley grass and chlorella and my first thought on taking the first sip was that it tasted like the seaweed in a sushi restaurant. It was bearable though it took me a while to get everything down my throat. Please please let this work.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
You know the five stages of grief? I think I'm going through depression and anger simultaneously. Most of the time I feel like punching someone in the face. Anybody will do at this point. And in super clingy. I can't have DH out of my sight or I'll freak out. I wonder how I will do when I start working next week. And that's another thing. I don't think I can take it if anyone asks me how I'm doing. I think I'll fall apart. I don't have an answer to that question. But we'll cross the bridge when we get there.
DH and I will be going away this weekend. He's taking me to a nice hotel in the city. No chance of doing the BD coz I'm still bleeding but at least I get to spend time with him and only him. For now it's all I ever need. I know that deep inside I'm a strong person but I want to grieve. I want to be sad for the baby that we lost. And I'm doing my grieving on my own terms.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
I told my buttcheeks except for one what happened and they came to visit. I was torn between telling them and keeping it quiet. I knew that as soon as I saw them I would cry. I was right. As soon as I saw their faces I started crying. I didn't tell my other buttcheek, Bella, coz I knew that she was doing her own IVF treatment this month and I didn't want to worry her. It was a difficult choice to make coz I really needed her with me but at that time I thought it was probably for the best. I did tell her eventually.
The next day came with more bad news. My beta went down to 140. My embaby was definitely not growing. And when I went to the toilet something came out. TMI I know. But I think it was my embaby. I knew that it was over then but my doctor told me to wait for the next beta result. I was ready to go home then. The hospital room made me even more depressed but the doc told me to stay another night. DH, bless him, decided to take me home for a while before going back to the hospital for another night.
Early the next morning the nurse came to draw more blood. The result came a few hours later. The doc delivered the news. My beta went down to 59. That was it. No more baby. I held it it when he told me the news but as soon as he left I started crying.
One of my buttcheeks, Taka came to bring me food despite my insistence that she didn't have to. I started sobbing when I saw her. She cried with me. After that there was nothing left to do but go home.
I think despite our loss, DH and I are lucky. We have each other. We love each other. After six years of marriage we're still in love with each other. And if you look at it from another perspective, the IVF worked. The embaby implanted. Perhaps my body wasn't quite ready to accept it. But we decided that whenever I'm ready we'll try again. InsyaAllah Feb/March next year. There are a lot of things I will do differently next time. More bedrest. More time off from work. More healthy food. More us time with DH.
I've been crying since the weekend and DH lets me. He tells me its okay to grieve. He grieves too. DH keeps telling me that God will not test anybody who can't take it. We're tested because we're special. I believe him. I called my buttcheek, Bella to break the news to her last night. We both cried. And at one point we both laughed. I love you Bella.
I'm grateful that I have DH, my parents and family, my buttcheeks, my friends and my Babycenter IVF buddies for their support. I'm staying positive. I still cry but I know that one day InsyaAllah we will have our beautiful babies.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Just because my hcg is low does not mean that it's bad. 82.7 means that I'm pregnant and I'm holding in to that. We went to MAC again this morning to give my blood sample for another beta test. I know that it will increase. I just know it. We're not giving up. Not in a million years. InsyaAllah everything will be okay. Amiiinn
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Me and your Daddy went to the clinic yesterday to see you for the first time. We saw a very tiny you but the doctor was concerned that you were a wee bit too small. So please grow baby. Mama promise to eat healthily and listen to Daddy no matter how bossy he is, but you have to grow (your Daddy is very bossy by the way Just a little head's up to you). Mama will do whatever it takes to keep you. Mama and Daddy have been waiting for you for six years and we can't wait to see you in eight months. Be healthy and hang in there okay. And that's an order. Or you're grounded.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
More waiting. More peeing. More reading the book that I brought. I had a suspicion that Prof Hashim was not around coz I could see a lot of newbie doctors walking around the clinic so I told Wan to check with the nurse if the Prof was around to see me. True enough he was in Kota Bharu. When I was finally called to see the doctor, it was Doctor Mac and another doctor dude I didn't know who saw me. I was already upset that Prof was not there to explain to me the result of my scan, but what was I to do? Doc Mac repeated his finding, that my sac was a bit small and filled in a form for me to do a bloodtest. He said that I could call tomorrow to get the result. At that point I was already numb with fear and disappointment. All I could do was nod and bite my lips. I was scratching the edge of the doctor's table so much that I think I left a dent. DH asked if it was normal for the sac to be small at this stage and Doc Mac said that it happens sometimes. That it takes a while for the embryo to grow full swing but the fact that I had not gotten my period and that there was no bleeding was a good sign. And then he went on to say that if my HCG level is high there's a good chance that my pregnancy would be okay but if it's too low the pregnancy may not be a viable one. At that point I was ready to burst into tears. I think I would feel so much better if Prof was there. And I didn't like the other doctor dude. Doc Mac then set my appointment in two weeks to see my progress.
While waiting to do my blood test I glanced at DH and saw the worry in his face. Although he didn't say it, I knew that he was scared too. I could feel myself ready to cry so I told him I was going to the loo. Once I got there I cried my eyes out. I felt so angry and frustrated but I knew that there was no one I could blame. My buttcheeks gave me comforting and encouraging words which only made me cry harder. I had done all I could. I followed the doctor's orders to the T. I stayed away from spicy food. I didn't know what else to do. Once I calmed myself down I returned to the clinic and gave my blood for the blood test. And then there was nothing we could do but leave.
I was crying the whole ride home. DH told me to stay positive. He believes that everything is going to be okay. I wish I had some of his confidence. I know that it was too early to give up but sometimes giving up is all I want to do. This has been a very emotional journey and to be told to wait some more frustrates me beyond belief. I guess I should take down my lilypie sticker until I'm sure that I'm pregnant. There's no point of it being up there when the doctor could tell me zilch.
We'll see what happens tomorrow brings. Until then I think I'll just crawl into bed and sleep until the morning comes.
Monday, November 14, 2011
I was talking to my embies last night and I told them how wonderful their daddy is and how great a dad he will make and how I can't wait for them to see him. I never thought in a million years that I would be lucky enough to blessed with DH. My parents have a less than perfect marriage and that scares me sometimes. But DH proved to be, well no words can describe him actually.
I hope to see my embabies for the first time tomorrow. I have this irrational fear that although I tested positive four times I could be not pregnant. I guess if I can actually see them on the scan it will be more real to me. It still feels surreal to even say it in my head that I'm pregnant. I don't think this state euphoria mixed with disbelief is gonna end until I give birth and I'm pretty sure it will continue once I have my baby(ies) in my arms. And I'm thankful that DH will be by my side the whole time.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Anyway, since I've been feeling hungry almost all the time (another pregnancy symptom?) and have been snacking on unhealthy food to satisfy my hunger (read nasi lemak at 5 pm), I decided to switch to the healthy way and made my own snack box last night for today. Looks yummy enough to eat? I hope so :) I'm gonna try to make this my snacking habit from now on.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
There are no words that I can say to make her feel reassured. I can only speak from my experience and truth be told it was a very emotional journey to get to where I am now. The amount of tears that I've cried during this whole journey is unbelievable. And not to mention the waiting. It seems that you have to wait for everything. For the follicles to grow. For the follicles to mature. For the ER. For the ET. The dreaded two week wait. The appointment with the doctor. I didn't know until now the level of patience that I have in me. My hope for my buttcheek is that she will have a smooth IVF journey and I pray that she will have a happy outcome InsyaAllah.
And then it hit me. I'm becoming a smug IVFer. Smack me please. I made a vow with myself that I'm not gonna be one of those "smuggers". Smug married woman. Smug pregnant woman. Smug mother. Who knew that I'm becoming a smug IVFer. Dang! I guess I'm gonna have to bite my lips when I watch the next episode, but please Shonda, do your research first before you put pen to paper.
Monday, November 7, 2011
We went to visit Eon's family in Langat. They're like me and DH's adopted family and the minute I told Eon and her sister Kak Inn that I'm pregnant the tears started to follow. In that moment I realized how many people have been wishing and hoping for this miracle to happen and I'm truly blessed to have all these people in my life.
I couldn't ask for more this Eid except for my embryos to keep growing and keep holding on. We still have a long way to go. 244 days according to Baby Center :D I have a feeling that we're gonna see more than one sac next week at out appointment but I could be wrong. Even if there is only one I am thankful to the Almighty for this blessing. Salam Eid Al-Adha everybody!
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Thursday, November 3, 2011
And then because we were still doubtful whether this is real or not we did the test again this morning. And holey cow! The positive sign was clear as day! Alhamdulillah. I think DH finally allowed himself to believe it and he broke down in tears. It was such an overwhelming experience coz we've waited so long for this. We kept checking back just to see the positive sign coz we've never seen it before!
I told three of my buttcheeks (heck I couldn't keep something this big a secret for long from them). It felt so surreal telling them I'm now pregnant. I still can't believe it. I told my mom and she gave me a list of things to eat/not to eat. Typical mom. Little sister practically screamed in my ears when I told her and big sis was ecstatic. I'm still very cautious since this is the first trimester. Plus until I see Prof Hashim on the 15th I'm treating this as an "unconfirmed pregnancy". I still talk to my tummy all the time, telling my babies to be strong and that Mama and Daddy can't wait to see them in 9 months.
Some people at the office have commented that I look pregnant coz of my bulging tummy. I'm not sure if it's because I've been eating like there's no tomorrow or if it's because of my babies. I choose to believe it's the latter.
One of my buttcheeks will be doing IVF this month and I'm praying that it will work out for her too InsyaAllah. Wouldn't it be great if we were to have kids together and our kids can be buttcheeks to? :) I went out for dinner with them justnow and oh my gosh I was exhausted by the time I got home. I think walking very slowly is taking a lot of my energy. I don't think I can do this again anytime soon.
Here's a picture of the latest test. I think I'm gonna do another one tomorrow. I'm insane, I know :P
Sunday, October 30, 2011
He said that three eggs were fertilized so he would transfer all three into my uterus. Then he showed us the photo of the three fertilized eggs. They were beautiful. Then he shooed Wan out. I thought it was kinda cute when the doc shouted to the embryologist,"I'm ready for the babies!" LOL. Then he told me to recite the selawat and with Bismillah on his lips he transferred my embryos through a catherer. And then I was wheeled back into the recovery room where I was told to lie down for an hour. I'm not ashamed to say that I spoke to the embryos in my tummy and told them to stck and stay there.
It's been almost two weeks since the transfer and I've been mostly horizontal on my bed from the time I got back from the clinic, except for when I have to get my progesterone shots at the local clinic and to the mall nearby to get a pair of sensible shoes for work. I've had to store my sexy stilletos in the closet. Bummer :P
So far I'm feeling okay except for the intermitten cramps and slight vaginal discharge but I was told that it's the side effect of the progesterone. I had a meltdown yesterday. You see, next Thursday is exactly two weeks from my transfer date and I'm supposed to the POAS then and it freaked me out! I suppose I'm afraid what would happen if the test is negative. How would I feel? How would Wan feel? Are we prepared to do this all over again? I guess I'll just have to wait till next Thursday to find out. Wish me luck! Till then it's back to my 8th book this month. I'm trying to break a record here :D
I'll leave you with a photo of my embryos :)
Friday, October 14, 2011
On another note me and DH went for my scan on Friday and we had seven big follicles then! Hip hip hooray!!! We had the egg retrieval procedure yesterday and my doc collected 14 eggs. The procedure went well Alhamdulillah. I've heard stories of how patients woke up in the middle of the procedure and feel the pain. I'm so glad that didn't happen to me. But golly! The cramps after the procedure was so bad it actually made me cry. And there was some vaginal bleeding which I read is normal. The pain is a lot lesser today and I even got out of bed to vacuum the house hahahaha. DH is an absolutely awesome nurse although he can be quite the policeman at times. But hey, he brings me my meds and helps me bathe and I cannot ask for more than that.
So yeah we'll be waiting for the nurse to all us tomorrow to confirm when the embryo transplant is gonna be. There seems to be a lot of waiting involved huh? Will update when that happens. Till then, toodles!
Thursday, October 13, 2011
To make things worse DH's sister called him to tell him that his brother might have Hodgkins Lymphoma. I could tell something was wrong when he was on the phone coz I could hear sniffles. Now DH is not a crier unlike me, so to hear him cry like that was heartbreaking. And it made me so sad because I know that he worries about me and now he worries about his brother too. It's like we can't catch a break dammit!
So yesterday I was convinced that the universe hates me and my efforts in bringing a baby in the world. So what did I do? I climbed on the bed after Maghrib prayer, curled into a ball and sobbed. It was literally the worst point in my life.
But now, looking bad I guess I'm one of the lucky ones. I have an excellent support system in my DH, my family and my buttcheeks. Although a few words of encouragement from any one of my buttcheeks would send me on one of my crying episodes :P
I'm praying that today will be a good day. I don't think I can take another day like yesterday. I did have a rocky start this morning though. DH was supposed to try and administer my Puregon this morning so I poked the needle in and asked him to press it but he was struggling with it so much that he gave u
p and let go. And the needle got pulled out from my tummy! So I had to poke myself again. Sigh...Anyway, I should applaud his valiant effort. HR really did try.
I'm gonna end this post with a picture of the reason I cry like a lunatic. Behold the Puregon pen...
I should've listened to my friend when she said not to watch this movie. But darn it Sean Penn and Dakota Fanning is too good a combination to pass. I've seen this movie before and loved it and I was thinking how bad can it be watching it the second time. I mean I cried watching it the first time too. Boy was I wrong. I didn't only cry. I literally sobbed!! The kind of sobbing where you cover your face with a pillow and bawled like a baby.
Sean Penn was AWESOME in this movie and he played the autistic father really well. I believed that he was actually autistic. And Dakota, oh you can never fault this girl. I have always loved her acting and I'm pretty sure she's grounded as well in real life, unlike most young Hollywood actors.
Anyway, yeah I should have stayed away from depressing movies. But heck, when you want something, you want something right? :P
On another note today is Day 3 of Puregon. I told DH that he has to try to administer the shots at least once. He's really a scaredy cat when it comes to injection and he really hates to see me in pain but hey, I don't want to to do this alone. We're in this together right? So yeah, tomorrow I'm making him at least to press the pen. Will let you know how that turns out tomorrow :P
Monday, October 10, 2011
Anyway, last weekend me and DH decided to stay at home just the two of us. It's been a long time since we did just that, and I'm glad we did. Blame it on the Clomid but I was weepy the whole afternoon yesterday. Every little thing would set me off and get the waterworks going. DH watched me in amusement coz he's used to it from my last two rounds of IUI hahhaah.
This morning we went back to HUKM to start my puregon shots. The last time I did this was two years ago. The shot stung a bit but the pain went away after a couple of minutes. We're supposed to go back to do my scan thus Friday and see whether my follicles are growing smoothly or not.
I made DH promise to call me every two hours. I think he's resigned himself to the fact that his wife is gonna be a bit cuckoo this month LOL. But I know he loves me to bits and that's all that matters, right?
Thursday, October 6, 2011
On a brighter note I have found that with the condition I'm in now I can practically get away with everything with DH. Through 6 years of marriage he has always been an excellent husband but yesterday I must day that his rating went up several notches in my book. He made a mug of hot Milo and chicken porridge for dinner. He filled in the water bottle with hot water before I went to bed. He even offered to warm up some milk, to which I declined coz all I wanted to do at that time was sleep off the pain. Excellent, isn't he? :)
Today is CD2. I've already popped my clomid for the day. So far I feel fine. Let's hope this will last. I've also applied for leave tomorrow. I thought of spending the day with DH at the book fair tomorrow in Serdang. I know that one I start my egg retrieval there is no chance he's gonna let me go out except to go to work. I'm trying to enjoy this ride but these cramps are not making it easy! Oh well, tomorrow's another day :)
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
I spoke to Wan and he sounded more nervous than I am which is a shocker coz he's usually the calm one. So far I feel fine aside from the period cramps I'm having. We will have to go to MAC on Monday to get my puregon shots started. Hoping and praying this will work. Also praying that I won't be an emotional wreck this whole month. Ha!
I'm glad Wan talked me into going. We did get the answers that we were looking for. Now all we gotta do is get kn the IVF train and enjoy the ride. So here's to IVF and to our future babies InsyaAllah :)
Friday, September 30, 2011
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
One of my friends who will also be doing her first IVF soon voiced her fears to me. She's not scared if the lain. She's scared that it won't work. I can understand her fears. We're investing a lot in this procedure and I'm not talking only in monetary terms, but emotional as well. I don't what I would do if it doesn't turn out the way that I hope it would, Nauzubillah but I guess I'll just have to have faith that He knows what is best for me and that everything that happens is His will. With that in mind InsyaAllah I'll be ok. And I hope my friend will too.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
And then my buttcheek went on to tell me about another colleague who is pregnant and whenever her baby kicked her from within, she would get really angry andscold the baby. What kind of mother does that to a baby who is not even born yet? Sometimes I wonder what goes through these women's minds. Oh wait. Maybe I'd be better off not knowing.
Friday, September 9, 2011
So I'm gonna start my first IVF cycle next month (and hopefully my last). I was supposed to start this month but with the Eid celebration and my niece and nephew being back from the UK made it impossible to do so. I'm glad we waited though. My niece and nephew, adorable they may be can be like monster trucks at times, barging into me and clinging on as if their lives depended on it.
To say I'm scared is an understatement. Well actually I've got a thousand different emotions jumbled up inside me. Fear, apprehension, anxiety, excitement. You name it. A doctor friend of mine advised me to No. 1 eat healthy and organic food, No. 2 get plenty of rest i.e sleep early and get plenty of rest, No. 3 exercise and No. 4 to manage my stress. So far I've only managed to do No. 2 :P
I've been talking to a friend of a friend who has done an IVF and was successful. She has recently given birth to a beautiful baby boy Alhamdulillah. Talking to her gives me some comfort plus she gave me tips on the do's and don'ts before, during and after the procedure.
I know I'll be expecting buckets of tears to be shed from beginning to end. I've learned from my previous failed IUI's that fertility drugs will put me on an emotional rollercoaster ride and seeing that the dosage for the IVF is a lot higher than IUI, I've warned my husband, boss and colleagues (who know that I'm doing this) to be prepared.
I think I'm almost ready for the next chapter in our baby making effort (is anyone ever fully ready?) but now I'm faced with a problem. My doc gave me Zithromax antibiotics which I'm supposed to take but for the life of me I cannot remember when I'm supposed to take them and I can't seem to get hold of him to ask. If any of you could tell that would be great.
I have an appointment with my doctor on the 4th of next month just to ask him whatever questions that we missed the last time we saw him. I'm hoping and praying that this procedure will work but I know that everything that happens or will happen is in The Almighty's hands. InsyaAllah with the doa of my family and friends our efforts will be fruitful Amiiinn :)
Thursday, September 8, 2011
So me and Wan went back to Kuala Pilah to celebrate Eid. I know this sounds bad but I was hoping that my SIL who is three months (?) pregnant would be celebrating Eid at her hometown in Ipoh. But alas everybody decided to celebrate Eid in Kuala Pilah. So it was four days of mental torture. Ok so I was being dramatic but everytime I see her rub her non-existent baby tummy I feel like smothering myself with a pillow. For goodness sake you are not even showing woman! Stop rubbing your tummy. I get that she's ecstatic that she's with child. Heck I would be too but just the sight of her rubbing her tummy was enough to bring the green eyed monster in me. I wonder how long this feeling will last. Probably until I myself get pregnant which is not good. Jealousy is an ugly trait and I admit that. But I can't help it, can I?
Thursday, August 11, 2011
So I've only started using the Period Tracker app on my phone to, well, obviously track my period. I've mentioned before that my period this month came five days late. So I keyed in my first period day on Period Tracker and went on my way and thought nothing if it. My period ended today so I tapped the date in. And this is what happened...
How is it possible that my next period is in 31 days? That's a bit screwed up if you ask me. Sure my cycle last month was 35 days but that only happens once in a blue moon. And now I don't know how to fix the app to show the correct date of my last period. Anybody out there who is using this app on iPhone can help me out? Much thanks!
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
...my buttcheeks. You may wonder what the heck buttcheeks mean. Let me tell you. They refer to a group of girlfriends whom I love to death. I think the term came about when one of my buttcheeks, let's call her R twot (yup that's past tense for tweet, in case you're wondering) this saying "Friends are like butt cheeks, crap may separate them but they always come back together in the end". From then on, we refer to each other as buttcheeks. It's very endearing, really.
I've known my butt cheeks a long time. Since we were in school, really, although we weren't all that close in school. We hung out with different crowds. It was only a few years ago that our friendship blossomed to so much more than just friendship. We are like sisters. Don't ask me how it happened. It just did. And I'm glad it did.
Anyway, being an infertile (God I hate that word) nothing is better than having your buttcheeks listening to your woes. They listen without judgement. For some reason I know that they understand how I feel, having been trying and failing at conceiving. I tell my buttcheeks almost everything about the fertility treatment I'm going through. I know that you're not supposed to tell people about the treatments as one additional person who knows, it means one additional person that you also tell in case you fail. But heck, the last two times my IUI failed, they were among the first I told, knowing that telling them would give me some comfort. They're like my safety blanket that I cannot live without.
So yeah, my period came five days late. I was feeling depressed and disappointed and who did I turn to. My buttcheeks of course! Even a tweet of encouragement was enough to show that they care. I can't predict the future and I don't know whether we will stay friends forever, but for now, especially now, I'm grateful that I have my butt cheeks.
Monday, August 8, 2011
So my period came late. Five days to be exact. It's the fasting month so when my period didn't come on time my heart did a little leap, not because it would mean that I might be pregnant, but that it would mean I could continue to fast. By the time I was 3 days late I was beginning to be hopeful. But then my boobs weren't sore and I didn't have my usual pre-period cramps so I thought "this is it!". But learning from past experiences I knew not to jump the gun. I didn't get a PT kit from the pharmacy, but neither did I get my usual supply of tampons either. Silly me for not getting my supply because lo and behold Flo visited me on day 5.
To say that I was devastated would be an understatement. I knew deep inside that I shouldn't be too hopeful but when you've been waiting for six years to have a baby, you can't help but to be hopeful. So I'm feeling a wee bit down in the dumps today. I know I shouldn't be because I know God has plans for me and my man. We have decided to go ahead with IVF treatment in October. Our initial plan was to do it after Ramadhan but the company has a legal conference planned in Bangkok in September and my man told me to let loose and have fun first before we proceed with the treatment. He knows well enough that the hormone drugs will make me go crazy when I start taking them :P
My husband and I have talked about IVF for a long time and we've done research on what the procedure entails and I must say that it scares him more than it scares me. I for one think it's sweet that he's more concerned about the pain that I'll be going through (big fat needle and possible over stimulation of the follicles come to mind). I read a blog recently of a former infertile who just delivered a healthy baby boy three months ago after one attempt at IVF. The delivery was not easy and she had tears in her nether region as the doctors had to use a forcep to get the baby out. This was what she said: "flesh heals but I know that the pain of infertility does not". That made me tear up a bit. Infertility is painful. I'm not talking about physical pain but more of the emotional kind. The kind that won't go away by simply taking a few pain killers. So yeah, I'm looking forward to the IVF procedure and hopefully we're successfully on the first try.
On a positive note, this Friday marks the sixth year of marital bliss with my man. Since it's the fasting month, me and my man have decided to have dinner at Renai.ssance. We've got nothing fancy planned since we've already gone for our pre-anniversary holiday last month in Karambunai (lovely place by the way). Hopefully by Friday Flo will decice to leave (if you know what I mean :P)
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Friday, June 10, 2011
Have you ever come across this? Doesn't it drive you nuts? It drove me nuts when my Facebook wall was flooded with someone's pregnancy progress. And to call it Baby Gaga? Really?
I hate to break it to you kid, but not everyone is interested to know the development of your foetus. There is such a thing called oversharing and Facebook is the perfect platform for that. This got me thinking whether I should deactivate my Facebook account. Maybe I should
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Speaking of rude, maybe next time when someone asks me a stupid question I'm just gonna be rude to them back. And I'm gonna feel good about it. And the next time someone gives me the pitying look, I'll just grab a fork and scrape their eyes out. Sounds like a plan? Yup, it sure does.
Monday, January 3, 2011
It came yesterday and for the first time in a long time I didn't care. I didn't feel like crying. I didn't feel angry or upset. Well I was a wee bit upset coz I had bought a PT from the pharmacy earlier that day which cost me 16 bucks. Thank God I hadn't used it yet or I would have been really upset LOL.
I asked that wonderful husband of mine when we're going ahead with our IVF plans and he said he'll fix an appointment next month. Hooray!! We're definitely moving forward with this. I can't say for sure that I'm mentally and physically ready for this but I've decided that we will take this one day at a time. Nothing is certain in life and there's only so much you can prepare for. I've had experiences with fertility drugs and what they can do to your body and your emotions so at least I know what to expect (except that the effect will probably be worse tenfold with IVF drugs :P)
My husband and I have talked about IVF and we've done research on what the procedure entails and I must say that it scares him more than it scares me. I for one think it's sweet that he's more concerned about the pain that I'll be going through (big fat needle and possible over stimulation of the follicles come to mind). I read a blog this morning of a former infertile who just delivered a healthy baby boy three months ago after one attempt at IVF. The delivery was not easy and she had tears in her nether region as the doctors had to use a forcep to get the baby out. This was what she said: "flesh heals but I know that the pain of infertility does not". That made me tear up a bit. Infertility is painful. I'm not talking about physical pain but more of the emotional kind. The kind that won't go away by taking a few pain killers.
So I'm done with the pain. It's time to move on. It's time to be proactive. So yes we'll be doing IVF InsyaAllah in a few months.
Ok to be continued later as I've got heaps of work to do. So here's to hope :)