Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Today Sucks

You've seen in the movies when a girl gets called to her boss's room and she is excited coz she thinks that she might get a raise or a promotion only to be told that she's fired. That's kind of how I felt this morning. Today was my appointment day with Prof Hashim. We went early and were the first one there. The nurse asked me if I had my period and I told her no. So she said that I was to do an ultrasound to see my gestational sac. Since it was better to do a transvaginal ultrasound with a full bladder I thought we should have breakfast first. All that time I was fidgety and couldn't wait for the scan. After breakfast we went straight to the ultrasound waiting room and a few minutes later my name was called. I was told to lie down so they could do an abdominal scan first. I was excited. And then I saw the frowns. I should have known that the frowns on the nurse's first meant something. And the fact that she actually had to call the Doctor Mac was a cause for concern for me. I asked her what was wrong and she said that she couldn't really see my sac. Then she said that she would do a transvaginal scan to see better. So I was poked and prodded and saw more frowns on the faces of the nurse and Doctor Mac. Doctor Mac then called DH and showed him the screen. Apparently there was one gestational sac but it was small which was a cause for concern for him and that I probably would have to do a HCG blood test to confirm that I was really pregnant. At that time I felt as if the world collapsed on my shoulder. Here I was hoping to see my embabies for the first time only to be told that my sac was too small. He then told us to wait until I was called.

More waiting. More peeing. More reading the book that I brought. I had a suspicion that Prof Hashim was not around coz I could see a lot of newbie doctors walking around the clinic so I told Wan to check with the nurse if the Prof was around to see me. True enough he was in Kota Bharu. When I was finally called to see the doctor, it was Doctor Mac and another doctor dude I didn't know who saw me. I was already upset that Prof was not there to explain to me the result of my scan, but what was I to do? Doc Mac repeated his finding, that my sac was a bit small and filled in a form for me to do a bloodtest. He said that I could call tomorrow to get the result. At that point I was already numb with fear and disappointment. All I could do was nod and bite my lips. I was scratching the edge of the doctor's table so much that I think I left a dent. DH asked if it was normal for the sac to be small at this stage and Doc Mac said that it happens sometimes. That it takes a while for the embryo to grow full swing but the fact that I had not gotten my period and that there was no bleeding was a good sign. And then he went on to say that if my HCG level is high there's a good chance that my pregnancy would be okay but if it's too low the pregnancy may not be a viable one. At that point I was ready to burst into tears. I think I would feel so much better if Prof was there. And I didn't like the other doctor dude. Doc Mac then set my appointment in two weeks to see my progress.

While waiting to do my blood test I glanced at DH and saw the worry in his face. Although he didn't say it, I knew that he was scared too. I could feel myself ready to cry so I told him I was going to the loo. Once I got there I cried my eyes out. I felt so angry and frustrated but I knew that there was no one I could blame. My buttcheeks gave me comforting and encouraging words which only made me cry harder. I had done all I could. I followed the doctor's orders to the T. I stayed away from spicy food. I didn't know what else to do. Once I calmed myself down I returned to the clinic and gave my blood for the blood test. And then there was nothing we could do but leave.

I was crying the whole ride home. DH told me to stay positive. He believes that everything is going to be okay. I wish I had some of his confidence. I know that it was too early to give up but sometimes giving up is all I want to do. This has been a very emotional journey and to be told to wait some more frustrates me beyond belief. I guess I should take down my lilypie sticker until I'm sure that I'm pregnant. There's no point of it being up there when the doctor could tell me zilch.

We'll see what happens tomorrow brings. Until then I think I'll just crawl into bed and sleep until the morning comes.

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