Tuesday, November 22, 2011

This Is Gonna Be A Long One

So I started having brown discharges on Saturday and thought nothing of it coz I wasn't cramping or anything. But the next day there was more discharge so I told DH that I needed to go to the ER to get it checked out. I was freaking out by that time. I specifically asked for one particular obgyn whom I know to be very good. I was told that I was to be admitted while waiting for him. We didn't have to wait long when we were called to see Dr. Ashar. I've heard a lot about this guy and he's supposed to be one of the best. He asked for my history and after telling him about the IVF treatment he told me to lie down for a scan. He confirmed what I already knew, that my gestational sac was too small for a six week pregnancy. When he pulled out the transvaginal wand I could see blood. He seemed unfazed. He asked me to do a beta test to see if my number goes up and sent us back to my room. Another prick of needle on my left arm and a vial of blood later, there was nothing I could do but wait for the result the next day.

I told my buttcheeks except for one what happened and they came to visit. I was torn between telling them and keeping it quiet. I knew that as soon as I saw them I would cry. I was right. As soon as I saw their faces I started crying. I didn't tell my other buttcheek, Bella, coz I knew that she was doing her own IVF treatment this month and I didn't want to worry her. It was a difficult choice to make coz I really needed her with me but at that time I thought it was probably for the best. I did tell her eventually.

The next day came with more bad news. My beta went down to 140. My embaby was definitely not growing. And when I went to the toilet something came out. TMI I know. But I think it was my embaby. I knew that it was over then but my doctor told me to wait for the next beta result. I was ready to go home then. The hospital room made me even more depressed but the doc told me to stay another night. DH, bless him, decided to take me home for a while before going back to the hospital for another night.

Early the next morning the nurse came to draw more blood. The result came a few hours later. The doc delivered the news. My beta went down to 59. That was it. No more baby. I held it it when he told me the news but as soon as he left I started crying.

One of my buttcheeks, Taka came to bring me food despite my insistence that she didn't have to. I started sobbing when I saw her. She cried with me. After that there was nothing left to do but go home.

I think despite our loss, DH and I are lucky. We have each other. We love each other. After six years of marriage we're still in love with each other. And if you look at it from another perspective, the IVF worked. The embaby implanted. Perhaps my body wasn't quite ready to accept it. But we decided that whenever I'm ready we'll try again. InsyaAllah Feb/March next year. There are a lot of things I will do differently next time. More bedrest. More time off from work. More healthy food. More us time with DH.

I've been crying since the weekend and DH lets me. He tells me its okay to grieve. He grieves too. DH keeps telling me that God will not test anybody who can't take it. We're tested because we're special. I believe him. I called my buttcheek, Bella to break the news to her last night. We both cried. And at one point we both laughed. I love you Bella.

I'm grateful that I have DH, my parents and family, my buttcheeks, my friends and my Babycenter IVF buddies for their support. I'm staying positive. I still cry but I know that one day InsyaAllah we will have our beautiful babies.

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