So I had my first AF after the miscarriage. At least I think it's AF. I'm on CD5 now but it's a bit weird coz I'm not bleeding red blood. It's more of intermittent dark brown spotting which reminds me of when I miscarried. Depressing I know. I'm not sure if it's something I need to worry about or if it's my body expelling leftover tissues from the miscarriage. I've been stalking BBC boards for answers but they don't seem to tell you much. Maybe I should consult the good old Prof. I'm hoping this will pass quickly so me and DH can TTC again. They say that your body becomes more fertile after a natural miscarriage. I'm not sure how true this is but we shall see, eh?
So it was my 32nd birthday on Monday. Gosh how time flies. I took the day off and DH did the same. It was really sweet of him to do that and to spend the whole day with me. We didn't anything much. He took me to Jake's and we shared 500gm of porterhouse steak. By the time we were done, there wasn't much room in my tummy left for dessert so I told him that we could have cake another day. Then we went home and just hung out in front of the telly LOL.
The past year has been a somewhat roller coaster year for both me and DH. I've had a lot of laughs and shed a lot of tears. I've had a couple of office crisis and I've also been promoted. The last quarter of the year has been filled with trips to the fertility clinic and loads and loads of hormone injections and pills. A lot of ups and downs, that's for sure. It's fitting that my birthday is in December coz for me the new year starts on the day of my birthday. It's a day when I look back at the year that has gone by and see whether I had been a good wife, daughter, sister and friend.
There are a lot of things to be thankful for this year. I'm thankful to be blessed with six years of marital bliss with DH, an incredible incredible man. I'm thankful for my parents and sisters who love me. I'm thankful for the wonderful friends that I have. I'm thankful for the new friends I've made on BabyCenter and for their advice and encouragement. Most of all, this year I am thankful for the chance to experience pregnancy, even if it was only for six weeks. I never thought that being pregnant was even possible for me and it did happen and I enjoyed every minute of it.
Of course there were a few downs, most notably my miscarriage. It was definitely the most emotionally painful experience of my life. It was a very humbling experience. Having had to go through fertility treatment and then a miscarriage made me realize how much I've taken for granted the blessings that the Almighty has given me and that as easily He has given me such blessing, He could take it away just as easily.
I have decided that I will not look back at my failure to bring my little peanut to full term. It was nobody's fault. It most definitely was not mine. I tried and I failed. So I will keep my head up and believe that with a lot of faith and determination, I will have a baby. If not this year, then someday. We will try again with, if not IVF, another round of IUI next year and InsyaAllah our baby will be waiting for us.
My wish for everyone, especially my fellow infertiles is that we will never lose hope. Hope is a very powerful thing indeed. One of my favourite poems is by Emily Dickinson, aptly titled "Hope."
Hope is the thing with feathers That perches in the soul, And sings the tune--without the words, And never stops at all, And sweetest in the gale is heard; And sore must be the storm That could abash the little bird That kept so many warm. I've heard it in the chillest land, And on the strangest sea; Yet, never, in extremity, It asked a crumb of me.
And with that, I wish everyone a very good year ahead. Much love :)
Everyday I will stalk my favourite blogs, most of them blogs on women's struggle with infertility. Today I was reading Jay's post on her blog here and I almost teared up. I want to thank for her posting one of the most wonderful quotes I've heard in a long time. If I could print it out and frame it to hang at my office and home, I would.
“You are not a failure. You’ve done nothing wrong so please, please, please stop thinking that. Infertility is a medical issue and not at all a reflection on who you are as a person, a sister, a daughter, a wife, a friend or a woman. Don’t be ashamed because I swear to you – infertility doesn’t make you any less of a person or any less deserving of happiness.”
I know for a fact that most of us (myself included) that we see ourselves as failures. We fail to give our husbands children that we're meant to bring into the world. We fail to give our parents children. We fail to give our siblings nieces and nephews. We simply fail. When in actual fact we shouldn't think of ourselves that way. I personally believe that we infertiles are the strongest kind of women. We've been thrown with all kinds of hardships and tests, failed fertility treatments or pregnancies only to be followed with miscarriages and still we soldier on. The word "giving up" does not exist in our dictionary. Well at least not in mine.
My hope for myself is that I will always be strong in times of hardship, that I will always have hope that one day soon that I will have my own bundle of joy in my arms and I hope for the same to my fellow infertile friends both in the real world in the virtual. Much love...
So yesterday I had a minor meltdown. Wait, does running to the loo to cry in the middle of the morning count as a meltdown? Coz that was what I did. I think it started when I heard of news of a couple of friends who just found out they are pregnant. I was happy to hear of the pregnancy news, especially from people who have been trying to get pregnant like I am, but God it reminded me of the time when I found I was pregnant and how I loved being pregnant. It became a bit too much for me at one point, hence the meltdown.
I told DH about my meltdown and what he said comforted me. He told me that he will never be angry at me for being upset over the miscarriage because it was my body which experienced the pregnancy and I am the one who would feel the loss more. God I love that man! I don't suppose there's any expiry date for grieving coz I sure didn't get the memo. So I'm gonna continue doing what I'm doing now which is to take one step at a time no matter how long it takes.
On a happier note two of my BBC friends had positive beta this morning! Hooray for Mattie and Mandy!! My BBC board rocks! :)
I miss my baby bump. I really do. I know I was only pregnant for six weeks but honest to God I had a baby bump. It was probably because of all the bloating but I did look pregnant. Oh well. There's always next time InsyaAllah. We still haven't decided whether to go with IUI or another round of IVF. Decisions. Decisions.
A BBC friend recently had a miscarriage too. She was 7 weeks pregnant. Another friend on my FB shared her news on her miscarriage this morning. Seriously, enough with the bad news already!
Speaking of BBC, I'm happy to report that I still keep in touch with my community members. Checking my board is something I do every morning and late at night. They are an amazing, strong bunch of women. I can honestly say that women struggling with infertility have an inner strength that we sometimes forget we have. Come on. We've had several disappointments in our struggle and yet we pick ourselves up (after we've done our grieving) and we move on. You can't be any stronger than that, can you? I feel extremely happy reading on high beta numbers and strong heartbeats. And oh gosh, news of multiple pregnancies make me smile like you wouldn't believe. I also share their disappointments, anger and sadness over failed treatments and miscarriages. I have never met any of these women. I probably never will but they are my comrades in the struggle with infertility. If anybody understands what I'm going through (aside from DH and my buttcheeks), it's them. I wish them all the best and loads of babydusts and hopefully one day InsyaAllah I'll join them in sharing my news of high beta number and super strong heartbeats (and maybe multiples!) :)
So DH and I went to the clinic for our appointment. The first thing the nurse asked me when she saw me was whether I was continuing with my meds. I told her I've stopped and she asked me why so I told her about the miscarriage. She looked so crestfallen it made ME sad LOL.
Saw my doctor and he looked at us and told us that he didn't have any explanation as to why I miscarried. According to him I had no infection and no fibroid so he was every bit as puzzled as I was. But he said there could be two reasons:
One: my baby rejected my body. How depressing is that? My baby is not even born and he already rejected me.
Two: my egg could be not mature enough when we did the ET which prevented it from further growth.
Sigh...well at least Prof looked every bit as upset as I was which I'm so grateful for. It means that he cares.
He gave me two options:
One: do an IUI procedure with a new protocol where he will take more of DH's sperm sample and inject it in my uterus so that it will flow right through my tubes and to the waiting ovum. The percentage of success is up to 40% which is about the same as IVF.
Two: do another round of IVF but this time I will have to take my clomid and progesterone on alternate days to slow down the growth of my follicles.
DH is more inclined towards the new IUI protocol. I'm not. I've failed two IUIs before and I'm not too excited to do another one but I'm willing to try again if DH really wants to do it. If we decide to do it we'll do it next month InsyaAllah. In true meantime Prof gave me a month's worth of aspirin to thin my blood so there will be no clots left from the miscarriage. I sure I won't freak out when my next period comes. According to him there'll be PLENTY of blood.
Two days ago Bella told me that her IVF procedure would have to be aborted since she only had two eggs. I felt so sad for her coz I know what disappointment feels like. But she will proceed with IUI with her two eggs. In so hoping that it will work for her. Will be having dinner with her and Taka tonight. Can't wait! I feel like its been ages since I last saw them. Until next time peeps. Toodles!!