First AF

So I had my first AF after the miscarriage. At least I think it's AF. I'm on CD5 now but it's a bit weird coz I'm not bleeding red blood. It's more of intermittent dark brown spotting which reminds me of when I miscarried. Depressing I know. I'm not sure if it's something I need to worry about or if it's my body expelling leftover tissues from the miscarriage. I've been stalking BBC boards for answers but they don't seem to tell you much. Maybe I should consult the good old Prof. I'm hoping this will pass quickly so me and DH can TTC again. They say that your body becomes more fertile after a natural miscarriage. I'm not sure how true this is but we shall see, eh?

Much love!

Question Mark via Etsy

Reflection

So it was my 32nd birthday on Monday. Gosh how time flies. I took the day off and DH did the same. It was really sweet of him to do that and to spend the whole day with me. We didn't anything much. He took me to Jake's and we shared 500gm of porterhouse steak. By the time we were done, there wasn't much room in my tummy left for dessert so I told him that we could have cake another day. Then we went home and just hung out in front of the telly LOL.

The past year has been a somewhat roller coaster year for both me and DH. I've had a lot of laughs and shed a lot of tears. I've had a couple of office crisis and I've also been promoted. The last quarter of the year has been filled with trips to the fertility clinic and loads and loads of hormone injections and pills. A lot of ups and downs, that's for sure. It's fitting that my birthday is in December coz for me the new year starts on the day of my birthday. It's a day when I look back at the year that has gone by and see whether I had been a good wife, daughter, sister and friend.

There are a lot of things to be thankful for this year. I'm thankful to be blessed with six years of marital bliss with DH, an incredible incredible man. I'm thankful for my parents and sisters who love me. I'm thankful for the wonderful friends that I have. I'm thankful for the new friends I've made on BabyCenter and for their advice and encouragement. Most of all, this year I am thankful for the chance to experience pregnancy, even if it was only for six weeks. I never thought that being pregnant was even possible for me and it did happen and I enjoyed every minute of it.

Of course there were a few downs, most notably my miscarriage. It was definitely the most emotionally painful experience of my life. It was a very humbling experience. Having had to go through fertility treatment and then a miscarriage made me realize how much I've taken for granted the blessings that the Almighty has given me and that as easily He has given me such blessing, He could take it away just as easily.

I have decided that I will not look back at my failure to bring my little peanut to full term. It was nobody's fault. It most definitely was not mine. I tried and I failed. So I will keep my head up and believe that with a lot of faith and determination, I will have a baby. If not this year, then someday. We will try again with, if not IVF, another round of IUI next year and InsyaAllah our baby will be waiting for us.

My wish for everyone, especially my fellow infertiles is that we will never lose hope. Hope is a very powerful thing indeed. One of my favourite poems is by Emily Dickinson, aptly titled "Hope."


Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,
And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.
I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

And with that, I wish everyone a very good year ahead. Much love :)

A Much Needed Reminder

Everyday I will stalk my favourite blogs, most of them blogs on women's struggle with infertility. Today I was reading Jay's post on her blog here and I almost teared up. I want to thank for her posting one of the most wonderful quotes I've heard  in a long time. If I could print it out and frame it to hang at my office and home, I would.


“You are not a failure. You’ve done nothing wrong so please, please, please stop thinking that. Infertility is a medical issue and not at all a reflection on who you are as a person, a sister, a daughter, a wife, a friend or a woman. Don’t be ashamed because I swear to you – infertility doesn’t make you any less of a person or any less deserving of happiness.” 


I know for a fact that most of us (myself included) that we see ourselves as failures. We fail to give our husbands children that we're meant to bring into the world. We fail to give our parents children. We fail to give our siblings nieces and nephews. We simply fail. When in actual fact we shouldn't think of ourselves that way. I personally believe that we infertiles are the strongest kind of women. We've been thrown with all kinds of hardships and tests, failed fertility treatments or pregnancies only to be followed with miscarriages and still we soldier on. The word "giving up" does not exist in our dictionary. Well at least not in mine. 

My hope for myself is that I will always be strong in times of hardship, that I will always have hope that one day soon that I will have my own bundle of joy in my arms and I hope for the same to my fellow infertile friends both in the real world in the virtual. Much love...

Meltdown

So yesterday I had a minor meltdown. Wait, does running to the loo to cry in the middle of the morning count as a meltdown? Coz that was what I did. I think it started when I heard of news of a couple of friends who just found out they are pregnant. I was happy to hear of the pregnancy news, especially from people who have been trying to get pregnant like I am, but God it reminded me of the time when I found I was pregnant and how I loved being pregnant. It became a bit too much for me at one point, hence the meltdown.

I told DH about my meltdown and what he said comforted me. He told me that he will never be angry at me for being upset over the miscarriage because it was my body which experienced the pregnancy and I am the one who would feel the loss more. God I love that man! I don't suppose there's any expiry date for grieving coz I sure didn't get the memo. So I'm gonna continue doing what I'm doing now which is to take one step at a time no matter how long it takes.

On a happier note two of my BBC friends had positive beta this morning! Hooray for Mattie and Mandy!! My BBC board rocks! :)

Of Baby Bump and BBC

I miss my baby bump. I really do. I know I was only pregnant for six weeks but honest to God I had a baby bump. It was probably because of all the bloating but I did look pregnant. Oh well. There's always next time InsyaAllah. We still haven't decided whether to go with IUI or another round of IVF. Decisions. Decisions.

A BBC friend recently had a miscarriage too. She was 7 weeks pregnant. Another friend on my FB shared her news on her miscarriage this morning. Seriously, enough with the bad news already!

Speaking of BBC, I'm happy to report that I still keep in touch with my community members. Checking my board is something I do every morning and late at night. They are an amazing, strong bunch of women. I can honestly say that women struggling with infertility have an inner strength that we sometimes forget we have. Come on. We've had several disappointments in our struggle and yet we pick ourselves up (after we've done our grieving) and we move on. You can't be any stronger than that, can you? I feel extremely happy reading on high beta numbers and strong heartbeats. And oh gosh, news of multiple pregnancies make me smile like you wouldn't believe. I also share their disappointments, anger and sadness over failed treatments and miscarriages. I have never met any of these women. I probably never will but they are my comrades in the struggle with infertility. If anybody understands what I'm going through (aside from DH and my buttcheeks), it's them. I wish them all the best and loads of babydusts and hopefully one day InsyaAllah I'll join them in sharing my news of high beta number and super strong heartbeats (and maybe multiples!) :)

So What Happened Doc?

So DH and I went to the clinic for our appointment. The first thing the nurse asked me when she saw me was whether I was continuing with my meds. I told her I've stopped and she asked me why so I told her about the miscarriage. She looked so crestfallen it made ME sad LOL.

Saw my doctor and he looked at us and told us that he didn't have any explanation as to why I miscarried. According to him I had no infection and no fibroid so he was every bit as puzzled as I was. But he said there could be two reasons:

One: my baby rejected my body. How depressing is that? My baby is not even born and he already rejected me.

Two: my egg could be not mature enough when we did the ET which prevented it from further growth.

Sigh...well at least Prof looked every bit as upset as I was which I'm so grateful for. It means that he cares.

He gave me two options:

One: do an IUI procedure with a new protocol where he will take more of DH's sperm sample and inject it in my uterus so that it will flow right through my tubes and to the waiting ovum. The percentage of success is up to 40% which is about the same as IVF.

Two: do another round of IVF but this time I will have to take my clomid and progesterone on alternate days to slow down the growth of my follicles.

DH is more inclined towards the new IUI protocol. I'm not. I've failed two IUIs before and I'm not too excited to do another one but I'm willing to try again if DH really wants to do it. If we decide to do it we'll do it next month InsyaAllah. In true meantime Prof gave me a month's worth of aspirin to thin my blood so there will be no clots left from the miscarriage. I sure I won't freak out when my next period comes. According to him there'll be PLENTY of blood.

Two days ago Bella told me that her IVF procedure would have to be aborted since she only had two eggs. I felt so sad for her coz I know what disappointment feels like. But she will proceed with IUI with her two eggs. In so hoping that it will work for her. Will be having dinner with her and Taka tonight. Can't wait! I feel like its been ages since I last saw them. Until next time peeps. Toodles!!

The Long Weekend

So here's what happened over the weekend:

Saturday, 26 November 2011
DH decided to take me away to a hotel in a city for the weekend. I loved the idea. Two days and one night of hanging out in a fancy hotel room and sleeping on a bed so comfortable you never want to wake up. Who wouldn't love the idea? So we packed our bags and headed to the city.

The hotel was nice enough but it was under renovation do there was a lot of noise during the day from the construction work. But the bed and pillows were awesome so I didn't complain. We forgot to pack socks in our suitcase so DH made a pair using the hotel bathroom hand towels. It was really sweet of him to do that.

The hotel room. Nice eh?

That night we went to a friend's house for her daughter's birthday party. I like to think of them as my second family. Apart from my own family and buttcheeks, they are always there for me and DH. The theme was anything Mickey Mouse and I enjoyed myself. I laughed a lot, something that I thought I would never do after the miscarriage. My friend's mum, Aunty Yam and her friend Aunty Nonie gave me some advice on how to take care of myself and I took them to heart.

Me as Minnie Mouse. That's DH grinning at the back

We spent the night at the hotel. A lot of snuggling and cuddling with DH and for the first time since the miscarriage happened, I felt okay.

Sunday, 27 November 2011

DH's dad and stepmom came to KL and they were supposed to have lunch together with DH's sister and her family. I told DH that I wasn't ready to see them and he understood. I was grateful that he didn't push me to come along.

Monday, 28 November 2011


It was a public holiday so went to The Gardens Mall to get my wheatgrass, barley grass and chlorella supplement. A friend of mine said that they were good to cleanse the body and that a few months after she started taking them, she conceived and carried the baby full term after miscarrying a few months before. I figured it was worth a shot but damn! Those things are expensive! We spent RM259 for the whole package. DH fixed me a concoction of the wheatgrass, barley grass and chlorella and my first thought on taking the first sip was that it tasted like the seaweed in a sushi restaurant. It was bearable though it took me a while to get everything down my throat. Please please let this work.

I felt like a scientist mixing the powder to make the concoction

Then we went to the Big Bad Wolf Aftermath Sale (coz one can never have enough books). Bought 10 book for RM50 and got one free. Was that a really good deal or what? All in all it was quite a good weekend. Just what I needed before I start work again. Nt sure how I'm gonna handle work after all that happened so we'll see. Till the next update, be well peeps!

I really need a new bookcase. Fast!

It's Funny. Only It's Not

Isn't it funny that just when you're starting to get used to tell yourself that you're pregnant, getting used to the feel of the word "pregnant" rolling in your mouth, you miscarry. Wait that's not funny. At all. Sometimes I feel like the whole universe is against me and my uterus. Just when I think that I've come to terms with losing my baby, I fall apart all over again. It's depressing. I'm depressed. There. I said it. I'm depressed and angry.

You know the five stages of grief? I think I'm going through depression and anger simultaneously. Most of the time I feel like punching someone in the face. Anybody will do at this point. And in super clingy. I can't have DH out of my sight or I'll freak out. I wonder how I will do when I start working next week. And that's another thing. I don't think I can take it if anyone asks me how I'm doing. I think I'll fall apart. I don't have an answer to that question. But we'll cross the bridge when we get there.

DH and I will be going away this weekend. He's taking me to a nice hotel in the city. No chance of doing the BD coz I'm still bleeding but at least I get to spend time with him and only him. For now it's all I ever need. I know that deep inside I'm a strong person but I want to grieve. I want to be sad for the baby that we lost. And I'm doing my grieving on my own terms.

This Is Gonna Be A Long One

So I started having brown discharges on Saturday and thought nothing of it coz I wasn't cramping or anything. But the next day there was more discharge so I told DH that I needed to go to the ER to get it checked out. I was freaking out by that time. I specifically asked for one particular obgyn whom I know to be very good. I was told that I was to be admitted while waiting for him. We didn't have to wait long when we were called to see Dr. Ashar. I've heard a lot about this guy and he's supposed to be one of the best. He asked for my history and after telling him about the IVF treatment he told me to lie down for a scan. He confirmed what I already knew, that my gestational sac was too small for a six week pregnancy. When he pulled out the transvaginal wand I could see blood. He seemed unfazed. He asked me to do a beta test to see if my number goes up and sent us back to my room. Another prick of needle on my left arm and a vial of blood later, there was nothing I could do but wait for the result the next day.

I told my buttcheeks except for one what happened and they came to visit. I was torn between telling them and keeping it quiet. I knew that as soon as I saw them I would cry. I was right. As soon as I saw their faces I started crying. I didn't tell my other buttcheek, Bella, coz I knew that she was doing her own IVF treatment this month and I didn't want to worry her. It was a difficult choice to make coz I really needed her with me but at that time I thought it was probably for the best. I did tell her eventually.

The next day came with more bad news. My beta went down to 140. My embaby was definitely not growing. And when I went to the toilet something came out. TMI I know. But I think it was my embaby. I knew that it was over then but my doctor told me to wait for the next beta result. I was ready to go home then. The hospital room made me even more depressed but the doc told me to stay another night. DH, bless him, decided to take me home for a while before going back to the hospital for another night.

Early the next morning the nurse came to draw more blood. The result came a few hours later. The doc delivered the news. My beta went down to 59. That was it. No more baby. I held it it when he told me the news but as soon as he left I started crying.

One of my buttcheeks, Taka came to bring me food despite my insistence that she didn't have to. I started sobbing when I saw her. She cried with me. After that there was nothing left to do but go home.

I think despite our loss, DH and I are lucky. We have each other. We love each other. After six years of marriage we're still in love with each other. And if you look at it from another perspective, the IVF worked. The embaby implanted. Perhaps my body wasn't quite ready to accept it. But we decided that whenever I'm ready we'll try again. InsyaAllah Feb/March next year. There are a lot of things I will do differently next time. More bedrest. More time off from work. More healthy food. More us time with DH.

I've been crying since the weekend and DH lets me. He tells me its okay to grieve. He grieves too. DH keeps telling me that God will not test anybody who can't take it. We're tested because we're special. I believe him. I called my buttcheek, Bella to break the news to her last night. We both cried. And at one point we both laughed. I love you Bella.

I'm grateful that I have DH, my parents and family, my buttcheeks, my friends and my Babycenter IVF buddies for their support. I'm staying positive. I still cry but I know that one day InsyaAllah we will have our beautiful babies.

I Have Decided...

...that anybody who tells me I'm not pregnant will get their asses kicked. Sure my gestational sac may be small and my hcg level is pretty low but there's an embryo in my uterus and I have faith that my embaby will grow into a healthy baby.

Just because my hcg is low does not mean that it's bad. 82.7 means that I'm pregnant and I'm holding in to that. We went to MAC again this morning to give my blood sample for another beta test. I know that it will increase. I just know it. We're not giving up. Not in a million years. InsyaAllah everything will be okay. Amiiinn

Update - What did I tell you? My baby is a fighter. My beta went up from 82.7 to 182.9. I don't know whether that number is ok for this stage but I'm still so relieved. It means that my baby is growing. I'm praying and hoping that the number will keep increasing. Prof did not tell me to do another test so I guess we'll just have to wait till my appointment on the 29th. Boo. In the meantime I'll have to continue with my daily intake of Duphaston and my twice weekly progesterone shots. To be honest, I don't really mind the pain of having a needle up my ass twice a week. All I want is a healthy baby. InsyaAllah me and DH will have our miracle baby. I've also decided to leave my lilypie ticker for the time being coz right now, I'm not sure how far along I am. I have a suspicion that on the day of the ET my embabies have not finished splitting cells which makes the calculation of the due date a bit weird. I hope that Prof will have me do another scan on the 29th. I really want to see my baby's growth and I know he will. He has DH's strength. I'm not worried. I have faith in all three of us :)

Letter To Baby

Dear baby,

Me and your Daddy went to the clinic yesterday to see you for the first time. We saw a very tiny you but the doctor was concerned that you were a wee bit too small. So please grow baby. Mama promise to eat healthily and listen to Daddy no matter how bossy he is, but you have to grow (your Daddy is very bossy by the way Just a little head's up to you). Mama will do whatever it takes to keep you. Mama and Daddy have been waiting for you for six years and we can't wait to see you in eight months. Be healthy and hang in there okay. And that's an order. Or you're grounded.

Love,

Your Mama

Today Sucks

You've seen in the movies when a girl gets called to her boss's room and she is excited coz she thinks that she might get a raise or a promotion only to be told that she's fired. That's kind of how I felt this morning. Today was my appointment day with Prof Hashim. We went early and were the first one there. The nurse asked me if I had my period and I told her no. So she said that I was to do an ultrasound to see my gestational sac. Since it was better to do a transvaginal ultrasound with a full bladder I thought we should have breakfast first. All that time I was fidgety and couldn't wait for the scan. After breakfast we went straight to the ultrasound waiting room and a few minutes later my name was called. I was told to lie down so they could do an abdominal scan first. I was excited. And then I saw the frowns. I should have known that the frowns on the nurse's first meant something. And the fact that she actually had to call the Doctor Mac was a cause for concern for me. I asked her what was wrong and she said that she couldn't really see my sac. Then she said that she would do a transvaginal scan to see better. So I was poked and prodded and saw more frowns on the faces of the nurse and Doctor Mac. Doctor Mac then called DH and showed him the screen. Apparently there was one gestational sac but it was small which was a cause for concern for him and that I probably would have to do a HCG blood test to confirm that I was really pregnant. At that time I felt as if the world collapsed on my shoulder. Here I was hoping to see my embabies for the first time only to be told that my sac was too small. He then told us to wait until I was called.

More waiting. More peeing. More reading the book that I brought. I had a suspicion that Prof Hashim was not around coz I could see a lot of newbie doctors walking around the clinic so I told Wan to check with the nurse if the Prof was around to see me. True enough he was in Kota Bharu. When I was finally called to see the doctor, it was Doctor Mac and another doctor dude I didn't know who saw me. I was already upset that Prof was not there to explain to me the result of my scan, but what was I to do? Doc Mac repeated his finding, that my sac was a bit small and filled in a form for me to do a bloodtest. He said that I could call tomorrow to get the result. At that point I was already numb with fear and disappointment. All I could do was nod and bite my lips. I was scratching the edge of the doctor's table so much that I think I left a dent. DH asked if it was normal for the sac to be small at this stage and Doc Mac said that it happens sometimes. That it takes a while for the embryo to grow full swing but the fact that I had not gotten my period and that there was no bleeding was a good sign. And then he went on to say that if my HCG level is high there's a good chance that my pregnancy would be okay but if it's too low the pregnancy may not be a viable one. At that point I was ready to burst into tears. I think I would feel so much better if Prof was there. And I didn't like the other doctor dude. Doc Mac then set my appointment in two weeks to see my progress.

While waiting to do my blood test I glanced at DH and saw the worry in his face. Although he didn't say it, I knew that he was scared too. I could feel myself ready to cry so I told him I was going to the loo. Once I got there I cried my eyes out. I felt so angry and frustrated but I knew that there was no one I could blame. My buttcheeks gave me comforting and encouraging words which only made me cry harder. I had done all I could. I followed the doctor's orders to the T. I stayed away from spicy food. I didn't know what else to do. Once I calmed myself down I returned to the clinic and gave my blood for the blood test. And then there was nothing we could do but leave.

I was crying the whole ride home. DH told me to stay positive. He believes that everything is going to be okay. I wish I had some of his confidence. I know that it was too early to give up but sometimes giving up is all I want to do. This has been a very emotional journey and to be told to wait some more frustrates me beyond belief. I guess I should take down my lilypie sticker until I'm sure that I'm pregnant. There's no point of it being up there when the doctor could tell me zilch.

We'll see what happens tomorrow brings. Until then I think I'll just crawl into bed and sleep until the morning comes.

I'm Lucky

Some people dream of being treated like a princess by their husbands. Alhamdulillah I'm living that dream. DH has been wonderful throughout this whole procedure. True he could be a drill sergeant most of the time, watching me like a hawk to see what I'm eating and what I'm doing, but he really is a wonderful man. He has taken up most if the housework especially cooking and cleaning and for that I am truly grateful. I know being pregnant does not exempt me from doing my wifely duties but I'm glad he loves me that much to not let me strain myself too much.

I was talking to my embies last night and I told them how wonderful their daddy is and how great a dad he will make and how I can't wait for them to see him. I never thought in a million years that I would be lucky enough to blessed with DH. My parents have a less than perfect marriage and that scares me sometimes. But DH proved to be, well no words can describe him actually.

I hope to see my embabies for the first time tomorrow. I have this irrational fear that although I tested positive four times I could be not pregnant. I guess if I can actually see them on the scan it will be more real to me. It still feels surreal to even say it in my head that I'm pregnant. I don't think this state euphoria mixed with disbelief is gonna end until I give birth and I'm pretty sure it will continue once I have my baby(ies) in my arms. And I'm thankful that DH will be by my side the whole time.

Why Don't I Feel Different?

According to my calculation, my "non-confirmed pregnancy" should be in its 5th week. So why don't I feel different? Well except for my bulging tummy but I credit that to my huge appetite which then credit to my hormone pill popping self. Oh and my sore boobies. Why don't I feel nauseous at all? Isn't this supposed to be my best friend? Okay, that's a pretty creepy toilet bowl. Also kinda cool hehehe...

Other than the smell of a neighbour making Maggi at the condo a few days ago which made me gag a bit, that was it. See this is why I still cannot believe that I'm pregnant. I don't feel pregnant at all? Should I be worried about this? A friend of mine who just found out that she is 4 weeks pregnant tweets about her loss of appetite and craving for certain food. Me? Nada. Except for when DH forgot to get my Rocky biscuits and I bawled like a baby last week. Does that count? It's frustrating when you're pregnant for the first time and there's no one you can ask because you still want to keep it a secret until you've reached the first trimester hurdle.

Anyway, since I've been feeling hungry almost all the time (another pregnancy symptom?) and have been snacking on unhealthy food to satisfy my hunger (read nasi lemak at 5 pm), I decided to switch to the healthy way and made my own snack box last night for today. Looks yummy enough to eat? I hope so :) I'm gonna try to make this my snacking habit from now on.

Okay I'd better get back to my mountain of work to do before my boss screams bloody murder down my neck. Oh ok so he never does that but hey, I can be dramatic if I want to, can't I?

An Emotional Journey

My buttcheek's IVF date is drawing near and understandably she's very concerned about a lot of things. Plus she has PCOS which is a cause for concern. Apparently my problem was only my blocked tubes and even that gave me a lot to worry about. I suppose it's only natural when you know that there's nothing much you can do except for pray for the best.

There are no words that I can say to make her feel reassured. I can only speak from my experience and truth be told it was a very emotional journey to get to where I am now. The amount of tears that I've cried during this whole journey is unbelievable. And not to mention the waiting. It seems that you have to wait for everything. For the follicles to grow. For the follicles to mature. For the ER. For the ET. The dreaded two week wait. The appointment with the doctor. I didn't know until now the level of patience that I have in me. My hope for my buttcheek is that she will have a smooth IVF journey and I pray that she will have a happy outcome InsyaAllah.

Smug IVFer

So I was watching The latest episode of Private Practice, the one where Addison is going for IVF with a sperm donor and I must say that it annoyed the heck out of me. There was a scene which showed Dr. What's-His-Face (Julia Robert's ex-boyfriend) scanning her for her follicle count and two minutes after that he said he was ready to extract the eggs. WTF? Is there an IVF marvel that I don't know about? That you can jump straight from follicle counting to ER?

And then it hit me. I'm becoming a smug IVFer. Smack me please. I made a vow with myself that I'm not gonna be one of those "smuggers". Smug married woman. Smug pregnant woman. Smug mother. Who knew that I'm becoming a smug IVFer. Dang! I guess I'm gonna have to bite my lips when I watch the next episode, but please Shonda, do your research first before you put pen to paper.

Eid Al-Adha

Yesterday we celebrated Eid and since DH doesn't want me to travel, we celebrated in Kajang. One of the perks of carrying embryos in my tummy :P Mama made pulut and bought lemang but I was a bit hesitant to have some. Some people say I shouldn't have pulut at this early stage and I prefer to be safe than sorry.

We went to visit Eon's family in Langat. They're like me and DH's adopted family and the minute I told Eon and her sister Kak Inn that I'm pregnant the tears started to follow. In that moment I realized how many people have been wishing and hoping for this miracle to happen and I'm truly blessed to have all these people in my life.

I couldn't ask for more this Eid except for my embryos to keep growing and keep holding on. We still have a long way to go. 244 days according to Baby Center :D I have a feeling that we're gonna see more than one sac next week at out appointment but I could be wrong. Even if there is only one I am thankful to the Almighty for this blessing. Salam Eid Al-Adha everybody!

Because I Am A Little Bit Insane

I took another HPT, this time a digital one and this is what I saw. I swear it's one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. Alhamdulillah :)

15dp5dt - An Update

So I took a HPT on Wednesday just for fun and whaddaya know, there was a very very faint positive line. Squint and you'll miss it. But then again I took it at night after I've chugged down copious amount of water and food. So I decided to take the test again the next morning and whaddaya know, this time the sign was clearer. DH was obviously ecstatic although he tried not to show it. I think he was more nervous about the test than I was. Funnily enough, I was very calm about the whole thing. I have imagined this scene so many times and being calm was never one of them. I blame it on being let down so many times before.

And then because we were still doubtful whether this is real or not we did the test again this morning. And holey cow! The positive sign was clear as day! Alhamdulillah. I think DH finally allowed himself to believe it and he broke down in tears. It was such an overwhelming experience coz we've waited so long for this. We kept checking back just to see the positive sign coz we've never seen it before!

I told three of my buttcheeks (heck I couldn't keep something this big a secret for long from them). It felt so surreal telling them I'm now pregnant. I still can't believe it. I told my mom and she gave me a list of things to eat/not to eat. Typical mom. Little sister practically screamed in my ears when I told her and big sis was ecstatic. I'm still very cautious since this is the first trimester. Plus until I see Prof Hashim on the 15th I'm treating this as an "unconfirmed pregnancy". I still talk to my tummy all the time, telling my babies to be strong and that Mama and Daddy can't wait to see them in 9 months.

Some people at the office have commented that I look pregnant coz of my bulging tummy. I'm not sure if it's because I've been eating like there's no tomorrow or if it's because of my babies. I choose to believe it's the latter.

One of my buttcheeks will be doing IVF this month and I'm praying that it will work out for her too InsyaAllah. Wouldn't it be great if we were to have kids together and our kids can be buttcheeks to? :) I went out for dinner with them justnow and oh my gosh I was exhausted by the time I got home. I think walking very slowly is taking a lot of my energy. I don't think I can do this again anytime soon.

Here's a picture of the latest test. I think I'm gonna do another one tomorrow. I'm insane, I know :P

The embryo transfer

So we were scheduled to do the embryo transfer on 20 October. We went to the clinic bright and early. Well we thought we were early. It turned out that my doc came down to see us for the procedure and we weren't there yet, so we ha to wait a couple more hours. When the time came I was asked to change into the hospital gown and was brought in the procedure room. Then the doc came in with the nurse and he called Wan in to explain to him what was gonna happen.

He said that three eggs were fertilized so he would transfer all three into my uterus. Then he showed us the photo of the three fertilized eggs. They were beautiful. Then he shooed Wan out. I thought it was kinda cute when the doc shouted to the embryologist,"I'm ready for the babies!" LOL. Then he told me to recite the selawat and with Bismillah on his lips he transferred my embryos through a catherer. And then I was wheeled back into the recovery room where I was told to lie down for an hour. I'm not ashamed to say that I spoke to the embryos in my tummy and told them to stck and stay there.

It's been almost two weeks since the transfer and I've been mostly horizontal on my bed from the time I got back from the clinic, except for when I have to get my progesterone shots at the local clinic and to the mall nearby to get a pair of sensible shoes for work. I've had to store my sexy stilletos in the closet. Bummer :P

So far I'm feeling okay except for the intermitten cramps and slight vaginal discharge but I was told that it's the side effect of the progesterone. I had a meltdown yesterday. You see, next Thursday is exactly two weeks from my transfer date and I'm supposed to the POAS then and it freaked me out! I suppose I'm afraid what would happen if the test is negative. How would I feel? How would Wan feel? Are we prepared to do this all over again? I guess I'll just have to wait till next Thursday to find out. Wish me luck! Till then it's back to my 8th book this month. I'm trying to break a record here :D

I'll leave you with a photo of my embryos :)

Of Buttcheeks and ER

So I was feeling crappy this week when I got a surprise in the mail. One of my buttcheeks sent me a good luck card! It was a good thing that I didn't get the card the day before or I would have cried buckets. See this is why I love my girlfriends. They really know how to make me smile.

On another note me and DH went for my scan on Friday and we had seven big follicles then! Hip hip hooray!!! We had the egg retrieval procedure yesterday and my doc collected 14 eggs. The procedure went well Alhamdulillah. I've heard stories of how patients woke up in the middle of the procedure and feel the pain. I'm so glad that didn't happen to me. But golly! The cramps after the procedure was so bad it actually made me cry. And there was some vaginal bleeding which I read is normal. The pain is a lot lesser today and I even got out of bed to vacuum the house hahahaha. DH is an absolutely awesome nurse although he can be quite the policeman at times. But hey, he brings me my meds and helps me bathe and I cannot ask for more than that.

So yeah we'll be waiting for the nurse to all us tomorrow to confirm when the embryo transplant is gonna be. There seems to be a lot of waiting involved huh? Will update when that happens. Till then, toodles!

The Worst Hit Yet

Yesterday was a bad one. The worst I've had so far. I've been feeling gloomy the whole day for no apparent reason. Thankfully I didn't burst out crying at the office or peole might just confirm their suspicion that I'm a bit crazy.

To make things worse DH's sister called him to tell him that his brother might have Hodgkins Lymphoma. I could tell something was wrong when he was on the phone coz I could hear sniffles. Now DH is not a crier unlike me, so to hear him cry like that was heartbreaking. And it made me so sad because I know that he worries about me and now he worries about his brother too. It's like we can't catch a break dammit!

So yesterday I was convinced that the universe hates me and my efforts in bringing a baby in the world. So what did I do? I climbed on the bed after Maghrib prayer, curled into a ball and sobbed. It was literally the worst point in my life.

But now, looking bad I guess I'm one of the lucky ones. I have an excellent support system in my DH, my family and my buttcheeks. Although a few words of encouragement from any one of my buttcheeks would send me on one of my crying episodes :P

I'm praying that today will be a good day. I don't think I can take another day like yesterday. I did have a rocky start this morning though. DH was supposed to try and administer my Puregon this morning so I poked the needle in and asked him to press it but he was struggling with it so much that he gave u
p and let go. And the needle got pulled out from my tummy! So I had to poke myself again. Sigh...Anyway, I should applaud his valiant effort. HR really did try.

I'm gonna end this post with a picture of the reason I cry like a lunatic. Behold the Puregon pen...

I Am Sam

I should've listened to my friend when she said not to watch this movie. But darn it Sean Penn and Dakota Fanning is too good a combination to pass. I've seen this movie before and loved it and I was thinking how bad can it be watching it the second time. I mean I cried watching it the first time too. Boy was I wrong. I didn't only cry. I literally sobbed!! The kind of sobbing where you cover your face with a pillow and bawled like a baby.

Sean Penn was AWESOME in this movie and he played the autistic father really well. I believed that he was actually autistic. And Dakota, oh you can never fault this girl. I have always loved her acting and I'm pretty sure she's grounded as well in real life, unlike most young Hollywood actors.

Anyway, yeah I should have stayed away from depressing movies. But heck, when you want something, you want something right? :P

On another note today is Day 3 of Puregon. I told DH that he has to try to administer the shots at least once. He's really a scaredy cat when it comes to injection and he really hates to see me in pain but hey, I don't want to to do this alone. We're in this together right? So yeah, tomorrow I'm making him at least to press the pen. Will let you know how that turns out tomorrow :P

 

Of Big Bad Wolf, waterworks and Puregon shots

So this week I decided that I've had enough crap thrown my way at the office and decided to take Friday off. Coincidentally it was also the first day of the BBW Sale so it was perfect timing. I needed a distraction from all the treatment anyway. And boy was I glad that I took the day off. The sale was fantastic! It was certainly better than last year's. I actually bought 71 books in total, including some for DH and the orphanage. But hey i paid not more than RM500 for 71 books which was awesome. And it did get my mind off things.

Anyway, last weekend me and DH decided to stay at home just the two of us. It's been a long time since we did just that, and I'm glad we did. Blame it on the Clomid but I was weepy the whole afternoon yesterday. Every little thing would set me off and get the waterworks going. DH watched me in amusement coz he's used to it from my last two rounds of IUI hahhaah.

This morning we went back to HUKM to start my puregon shots. The last time I did this was two years ago. The shot stung a bit but the pain went away after a couple of minutes. We're supposed to go back to do my scan thus Friday and see whether my follicles are growing smoothly or not.

I made DH promise to call me every two hours. I think he's resigned himself to the fact that his wife is gonna be a bit cuckoo this month LOL. But I know he loves me to bits and that's all that matters, right?

Well that went well

So yesterday was CD1 for me. On doc's instructions I started taking clomid yesterday. I'm not sure if it's related but I experienced severe cramps after popping them. So much so that I had to sleep with a hot waer bottle on my tummy all night long. And let's not forget the mood swings. Seriously I felt like slapping everybody who came within one meter from me.

On a brighter note I have found that with the condition I'm in now I can practically get away with everything with DH. Through 6 years of marriage he has always been an excellent husband but yesterday I must day that his rating went up several notches in my book. He made a mug of hot Milo and chicken porridge for dinner. He filled in the water bottle with hot water before I went to bed. He even offered to warm up some milk, to which I declined coz all I wanted to do at that time was sleep off the pain. Excellent, isn't he? :)

Today is CD2. I've already popped my clomid for the day. So far I feel fine. Let's hope this will last. I've also applied for leave tomorrow. I thought of spending the day with DH at the book fair tomorrow in Serdang. I know that one I start my egg retrieval there is no chance he's gonna let me go out except to go to work. I'm trying to enjoy this ride but these cramps are not making it easy! Oh well, tomorrow's another day :)

Here We Go!

My period came this afternoon. I don't know whether I should do the chicken dance or cry till my eyes bleed. In a way I'm kinda excited coz this marks our IVF journey. Disappointed coz it means that I have failed yet again to conceive. BUT I'm tryin to take this all in my stride. I've popped two clomid pills. Doc reduced my dosage from 150mg to 100mg a day coz judging from my last IUI cycle I produced 18 eggs in total out of 150mg clomid and he wants "quality not quantity". So that's done. I read the doa for zuriat before popping the pills. Must remember to do that everytime I do something related to IVF.

I spoke to Wan and he sounded more nervous than I am which is a shocker coz he's usually the calm one. So far I feel fine aside from the period cramps I'm having. We will have to go to MAC on Monday to get my puregon shots started. Hoping and praying this will work. Also praying that I won't be an emotional wreck this whole month. Ha!

Easing our worries

Husband decided that a trip to MAC is necessary coz there are still a lot o questions running through our heads about the IVF procedure. So this morning we went to see Prof Hashim and asked him about the procedure and what it involves. He ran through the process where a natural conception takes place and why IV is different. According to him the chances of the eggs fertilizing is about 80%-90% but the percentage for take home baby is only 40% coz there are also other environmental factors to consider. I asked him about the extraction process and it sounds painful although he assured me that I won't be conscious at the time. He also said that my problem could be my tubes coz my uterus lining seems fine. That gave me hope coz if that's the problem then IVF might just work.

I'm glad Wan talked me into going. We did get the answers that we were looking for. Now all we gotta do is get kn the IVF train and enjoy the ride. So here's to IVF and to our future babies InsyaAllah :)

And so it begins

Remember the dilemma I had on when I should take the antibiotics? Well Wan called the hospital yesterday and the nurse told him that I can start taking them now. So I took a dose this morning, marking the beginning our IVF cycle #1. I'm praying so hard that it will work the first time. I'm taking this slow and I'm trying to keep in mind that whatever happens is His will. InsyaAllah good things will happen to us :)

Here's to hoping

So my husband and I went back to his hometown for a kenduri doa selamat. The kenduri was for his two sisters-in-laws who will be giving birth soon, and also for us who will go through our first (and hopefully last) IVF next month. The kenduri went well Alhamdulillah so now we'll just have to go through with it and hopefully we'll be pregnant.

One of my friends who will also be doing her first IVF soon voiced her fears to me. She's not scared if the lain. She's scared that it won't work. I can understand her fears. We're investing a lot in this procedure and I'm not talking only in monetary terms, but emotional as well. I don't what I would do if it doesn't turn out the way that I hope it would, Nauzubillah but I guess I'll just have to have faith that He knows what is best for me and that everything that happens is His will. With that in mind InsyaAllah I'll be ok. And I hope my friend will too.

What Were They Thinking?

I was having dinner with my buttcheeks today and one of them told us about a girl she met at the office who appeared to be depressed. And my buttcheek asked her what was wrong. It turned out that the girl is pregnant but she doesn't want to be and she was considering terminating the pregnancy because she was afraid that being pregnant would affect her career. What the fish? Firstly, termination the pregnancy is against the religion. And secondly, she was thinking about her career before her family? Sorry but I cannot understand that.

And then my buttcheek went on to tell me about another colleague who is pregnant and whenever her baby kicked her from within, she would get really angry andscold the baby. What kind of mother does that to a baby who is not even born yet? Sometimes I wonder what goes through these women's minds. Oh wait. Maybe I'd be better off not knowing.

Baby making: The next chapter

So I'm gonna start my first IVF cycle next month (and hopefully my last). I was supposed to start this month but with the Eid celebration and my niece and nephew being back from the UK made it impossible to do so. I'm glad we waited though. My niece and nephew, adorable they may be can be like monster trucks at times, barging into me and clinging on as if their lives depended on it.

To say I'm scared is an understatement. Well actually I've got a thousand different emotions jumbled up inside me. Fear, apprehension, anxiety, excitement. You name it. A doctor friend of mine advised me to No. 1 eat healthy and organic food, No. 2 get plenty of rest i.e sleep early and get plenty of rest, No. 3 exercise and No. 4 to manage my stress. So far I've only managed to do No. 2 :P

I've been talking to a friend of a friend who has done an IVF and was successful. She has recently given birth to a beautiful baby boy Alhamdulillah. Talking to her gives me some comfort plus she gave me tips on the do's and don'ts before, during and after the procedure.

I know I'll be expecting buckets of tears to be shed from beginning to end. I've learned from my previous failed IUI's that fertility drugs will put me on an emotional rollercoaster ride and seeing that the dosage for the IVF is a lot higher than IUI, I've warned my husband, boss and colleagues (who know that I'm doing this) to be prepared.

I think I'm almost ready for the next chapter in our baby making effort (is anyone ever fully ready?) but now I'm faced with a problem. My doc gave me Zithromax antibiotics which I'm supposed to take but for the life of me I cannot remember when I'm supposed to take them and I can't seem to get hold of him to ask. If any of you could tell that would be great.

 

 

I have an appointment with my doctor on the 4th of next month just to ask him whatever questions that we missed the last time we saw him. I'm hoping and praying that this procedure will work but I know that everything that happens or will happen is in The Almighty's hands. InsyaAllah with the doa of my family and friends our efforts will be fruitful Amiiinn :)

The Green Eyed Monster

So me and Wan went back to Kuala Pilah to celebrate Eid. I know this sounds bad but I was hoping that my SIL who is three months (?) pregnant would be celebrating Eid at her hometown in Ipoh. But alas everybody decided to celebrate Eid in Kuala Pilah. So it was four days of mental torture. Ok so I was being dramatic but everytime I see her rub her non-existent baby tummy I feel like smothering myself with a pillow. For goodness sake you are not even showing woman! Stop rubbing your tummy. I get that she's ecstatic that she's with child. Heck I would be too but just the sight of her rubbing her tummy was enough to bring the green eyed monster in me. I wonder how long this feeling will last. Probably until I myself get pregnant which is not good. Jealousy is an ugly trait and I admit that. But I can't help it, can I?

How is this possible?

So I've only started using the Period Tracker app on my phone to, well, obviously track my period. I've mentioned before that my period this month came five days late. So I keyed in my first period day on Period Tracker and went on my way and thought nothing if it. My period ended today so I tapped the date in. And this is what happened...

How is it possible that my next period is in 31 days? That's a bit screwed up if you ask me. Sure my cycle last month was 35 days but that only happens once in a blue moon. And now I don't know how to fix the app to show the correct date of my last period. Anybody out there who is using this app on iPhone can help me out? Much thanks!

Thank God For...

...my buttcheeks. You may wonder what the heck buttcheeks mean. Let me tell you. They refer to a group of girlfriends whom I love to death. I think the term came about when one of my buttcheeks, let's call her R twot (yup that's past tense for tweet, in case you're wondering) this saying "Friends are like butt cheeks, crap may separate them but they always come back together in the end". From then on, we refer to each other as buttcheeks. It's very endearing, really. 

I've known my butt cheeks a long time. Since we were in school, really, although we weren't all that close in school. We hung out with different crowds. It was only a few years ago that our friendship blossomed to so much more than just friendship. We are like sisters. Don't ask me how it happened. It just did. And I'm glad it did. 

Anyway, being an infertile (God I hate that word) nothing is better than having your buttcheeks listening to your woes. They listen without judgement. For some reason I know that they understand how I feel, having been trying and failing at conceiving. I tell my buttcheeks almost everything about the fertility treatment I'm going through. I know that you're not supposed to tell people about the treatments as one additional person who knows, it means one additional person that you also tell in case you fail. But heck, the last two times my IUI failed, they were among the first I told, knowing that telling them would give me some comfort. They're like my safety blanket that I cannot live without. 

So yeah, my period came five days late. I was feeling depressed and disappointed and who did I turn to. My buttcheeks of course! Even a tweet of encouragement was enough to show that they care. I can't predict the future and I don't know whether we will stay friends forever, but for now, especially now, I'm grateful that I have my butt cheeks.

Damn You Flo!!

So my period came late. Five days to be exact. It's the fasting month so when my period didn't come on time my heart did a little leap, not because it would mean that I might be pregnant, but that it would mean I could continue to fast. By the time I was 3 days late I was beginning to be hopeful. But then my boobs weren't sore and I didn't have my usual pre-period cramps so I thought "this is it!". But learning from past experiences I knew not to jump the gun. I didn't get a PT kit from the pharmacy, but neither did I get my usual supply of tampons either. Silly me for not getting my supply because lo and behold Flo visited me on day 5.

To say that I was devastated would be an understatement. I knew deep inside that I shouldn't be too hopeful but when you've been waiting for six years to have a baby, you can't help but to be hopeful. So I'm feeling a wee bit down in the dumps today. I know I shouldn't be because I know God has plans for me and my man. We have decided to go ahead with IVF treatment in October. Our initial plan was to do it after Ramadhan but the company has a legal conference planned in Bangkok in September and my man told me to let loose and have fun first before we proceed with the treatment. He knows well enough that the hormone drugs will make me go crazy when I start taking them :P

My husband and I have talked about IVF for a long time and we've done research on what the procedure entails and I must say that it scares him more than it scares me. I for one think it's sweet that he's more concerned about the pain that I'll be going through (big fat needle and possible over stimulation of the follicles come to mind). I read a blog recently of a former infertile who just delivered a healthy baby boy three months ago after one attempt at IVF. The delivery was not easy and she had tears in her nether region as the doctors had to use a forcep to get the baby out. This was what she said: "flesh heals but I know that the pain of infertility does not". That made me tear up a bit. Infertility is painful. I'm not talking about physical pain but more of the emotional kind. The kind that won't go away by simply taking a few pain killers. So yeah, I'm looking forward to the IVF procedure and hopefully we're successfully on the first try.

On a positive note, this Friday marks the sixth year of marital bliss with my man. Since it's the fasting month, me and my man have decided to have dinner at Renai.ssance. We've got nothing fancy planned since we've already gone for our pre-anniversary holiday last month in Karambunai (lovely place by the way). Hopefully by Friday Flo will decice to leave (if you know what I mean :P)

Question

Ok when a woman starts to menstruate she has 400,000 follicles left and with each cycle a thousand follicles are lost and one will mature into an ovum. So if one takes hormone pills to stimulate the production of follicles (and eggs) does that mean that she will have less eggs left than a normal person does? Anybody knows the answer to this?

Baby Gaga

Have you ever come across this? Doesn't it drive you nuts? It drove me nuts when my Facebook wall was flooded with someone's pregnancy progress. And to call it Baby Gaga? Really?

I hate to break it to you kid, but not everyone is interested to know the development of your foetus. There is such a thing called oversharing and Facebook is the perfect platform for that. This got me thinking whether I should deactivate my Facebook account. Maybe I should

 

 

Don't You Just Hate It When

People give you the pitying look because you've been married for six years and there's no sign of a baby. This is what happens everytime I go back to my husband's hometown. And let's not forget the ever popular question "when are you gonna have a baby? Don't you think it's about time you have one?" Look here eedjit, firstly, I don't have a crystal ball where I can gaze into and see when the stork's gonna give me my bundle of joy. Secondly, do you think I want to be childless? That I want to bawl my eyeballs out whenever someone tells me she's pregnant? Thirdly, you're rude and it's none of your damn business.

Speaking of rude, maybe next time when someone asks me a stupid question I'm just gonna be rude to them back. And I'm gonna feel good about it. And the next time someone gives me the pitying look, I'll just grab a fork and scrape their eyes out. Sounds like a plan? Yup, it sure does.

Auto Draft

It's time to move on

So my period came late. Four days late and enough to get my hopes up. At the back of my mind I know that I was down with the flu a week before my period was due and had to take a host of pills. That was probably the reason why it came late. But hey, a girl can dream right?

It came yesterday and for the first time in a long time I didn't care. I didn't feel like crying. I didn't feel angry or upset. Well I was a wee bit upset coz I had bought a PT from the pharmacy earlier that day which cost me 16 bucks. Thank God I hadn't used it yet or I would have been really upset LOL.

I asked that wonderful husband of mine when we're going ahead with our IVF plans and he said he'll fix an appointment next month. Hooray!! We're definitely moving forward with this. I can't say for sure that I'm mentally and physically ready for this but I've decided that we will take this one day at a time. Nothing is certain in life and there's only so much you can prepare for. I've had experiences with fertility drugs and what they can do to your body and your emotions so at least I know what to expect (except that the effect will probably be worse tenfold with IVF drugs :P)

My husband and I have talked about IVF and we've done research on what the procedure entails and I must say that it scares him more than it scares me. I for one think it's sweet that he's more concerned about the pain that I'll be going through (big fat needle and possible over stimulation of the follicles come to mind). I read a blog this morning of a former infertile who just delivered a healthy baby boy three months ago after one attempt at IVF. The delivery was not easy and she had tears in her nether region as the doctors had to use a forcep to get the baby out. This was what she said: "flesh heals but I know that the pain of infertility does not". That made me tear up a bit. Infertility is painful. I'm not talking about physical pain but more of the emotional kind. The kind that won't go away by taking a few pain killers.

So I'm done with the pain. It's time to move on. It's time to be proactive. So yes we'll be doing IVF InsyaAllah in a few months.

Ok to be continued later as I've got heaps of work to do. So here's to hope :)