I'm Alive!

Hello beautiful people! No I did not fall of a cliff. Nothing much happened since my last post warranted an update, hence the silence. Well, except for my Istanbul holiday in October, which was a blast. Some photos from the trip :)

            The gorgeous Blue Mosque

Tableware and decorations with Iznik motifs. We managed to snag a few from the Grand Bazaar

Us at Topkapi Palace. You cannot not spend at least 2 hours at this beautiful palace

The Grand Bazaar. We bought quite a few things here at great prices. And we met some of the nicest sellers here

Me and hubs at Galata Bridge. In the background is Galata

Best Turkish coffee can be found at Mandabatmaz in Istiklal. We had two cups each of the strong brew.

Uncle Altan here is definitely my favourite seller in Istanbul. His shop sells the yummiest candies and Turkish delights (lokum)

We saw the whirling dervish show here. Amazing.

Our favourite carpet sellers. Such nice people

Us in front of Dolmabahce Palace. A magnificent monument. Attaturk used to live here. He also died here

Another amazing building, Hagia Sophia. A church turned into a mosque turned into a museum. I must have stood at this spot for a good few minutes with my mouth open, gaping at its splendor.

We shopped. We ate. We walked. We went on ferry trips. We made new friends. We had the time of our lives. Cannot wait to start planning our holiday for next year. 

Hubs and I also celebrated my birthday last weekend with a bang. He took me to Mamma Mia the Musical on Friday (I took the day off), brought me to the Big Bad Wolf Book Sale and got me a mountain of books (in addition to the haul which I already got a couple of weeks ago) and treated me to Japanese food at Kampachi. Good stuff.

In other news, I'm seeing Dr. Adilah tomorrow. If everything goes well, we'll do FET Insha Allah in January. I've missed my doctor. Seeing her face always gives me comfort. I'll have more updates after tomorrow.

Have a good day chickadees!

I Hate My Job

There. I said it. I hate it to the point that waking up in the morning takes me half an hour, and by the time I'm up I'm already exhausted. I hate it so much that walking through the door at the office fills me with such dread. Every day I come in to the office expecting shit to happen. The office used to bring me joy. There was a time when the idea of tackling contracts excite me. Not anymore. Now I feel like throwing those damn contracts in a bonfire and dance around it. I'm not really sure what is it exactly that makes me hate it so much. I think it's a combination of many things.

1. I've been here for almost 5 years. Too damn long if you ask me

2. I miss my old big boss. Sure he breathed down our necks at times, but at least he was fun

3. No career prospect

4. No promotion and/or increment. Big boss said that she would talk to HR about this. That was in March. Nothing is happening
5. Being in the office pisses me off for no other reason than the fact that I'm there
6. Too many red tapes and too many people playing the blame game

All this anger and frustration cannot be good for my FET in November, can it? But until I have another job or open my big plan of opening a bookshop, I guess I'll just have to suck it up. Blurgh. Can't wait for my holiday next month. 37 days to be exact. Yup, it's come to a point that I count the days to my big holiday. I hate my job.

Understand Before you Speak

So something annoyed me today and I can't get it out if my head. I was scrolling my Fakebook (silly me) and a friend reposted someone's advice about not to keep asking a couple when they are going to have children. Well that is all fine and dandy but what annoyed me is that she commented on the advice. And this is what she said:

"I'm aware of this. But sometimes it's the reason you gave at the beginning of your marriage that people keep asking. Like nak enjoy dulu lah, not planning one yet lah. If everyone could give an honest answer there will be less people asking kot?"

So bloody what? Just because you gave those reasons, people have the right to butt in and ask things which are none of their business in the first place? And yes, I commented as much on her post. And may I just add that this girl is now pregnant with baby #2 so what the bloody hell does she know about being childless? I swear to God sometimes people say things or comment on things that they have absolutely no clue about. My advice is keep your trap shut.  

I found this on Fakebook yesterday. 

Basically what it says is that only God knows what He has planned for us. We don't know the trials that people who are unmarried or childless go through so stop judging the unmarried or the childless couple. I think the advice is so spot on. 

So guys, think before you speak. You may hurt people's feelings, although it may be unintentional.

Happy Eid!

Hello my chickadees. How's everyone's Eid so far? And to those who don't celebrate, how are you? Good I hope. I'm enjoying Eid but I have to admit, the excitement kinda wanes a bit the older I get. When I was a kid, Eid was all about getting those green Raya packets. Now it's about keeping my faith in check, performing my ibadah and spending time with my loved ones. This year I got to make lemang at DH's kampung. I've done this a couple of times already and Baba is already pestering me about making lemang in Kajang next year LOL. We spent four days in Kuala Pilah before going back to Kajang to spend second day of Eid with my family. And since little sister is back, it made celebrating Eid a lot more fun. We even lit up an 8 ft Chinese firecrackers at the playground in front of my parents' house LOL! Other than that there's not much to talk about Eid.

Aside from Eid, I feel like I must also address the killings in Gaza and the war between Hamas and Israel. This is because I keep thinking about my BBC friends and I don't want them to think that I'm being disrespectful to their religion or country or anything like that. I hope I'm not. My anger is directed at the government, not the people, and of course at Israel. I have been quite active posting about it on my Facebook and I have stayed away from posting and including religious sentimens in my posts.  For me, the killings in Gaza has nothing to do about religion and has everything to do with humanity. I've read books about the genocide of the Jews by Hitler and I think what Hitler did was beyond reprehensible. Again, because it's put it simply, murder. It's the act of taking away someone's life. How can you stand by and watch thousands of innocent civilians, most if them children and babies, being killed on daily basis and not say anything about it? 

So I'm hope I'm not stepping on anyone's toes on this. If I am please let me know. 

Other than that, it's the weekend! Get out. Have fun outside. It's such a lovely day to be out (though it's a bit hot here LOL). I'm heading out to dinner with the family in a bit. Hopefully you guys are having a grand time with your families and friends too. Take care my chickadees!

Confused x10

Hello wonderful people. How have you been? Good? Great. Me? Not too bad considering all that's been going the last couple of months. I've been in an out of the hospital more times than I can count in the last couple of months, went under general anesthetic twice and still no baby in my belly. And since IVF #3 didn't work and the hysteroscopy showed nothing unusual, my doctor is also at a loss. It was actually pretty funny seeing her reaction when she told us the news. That incredulous look that says "what the hell is going on with this girl?" LOL. After the hysteroscopy she asked me whether any of my family members has arthritis and since my mom has osteoarthritis she ordered another round of bloodwork to see if I have any autoimmune disease and some other tests that she had to refer to in her big book of all the blood tests in the world. I think I must have done every blood test known to man for infertility. And guess what? All the tests came back negative. LOL! I'm laughing but weeping inside mind you. Seriously though, what the hell is going on here?

She asked us that since all is clear whether we would like to do our FET #1 during the next cycle. Had a quick discussion with DH and we decided to wait until we come back from our holiday in October. Plus our doctor will be on pilgrimage leave in October and I would really hate for her not to be around during my treatment. I mean come on, what other REs have you text her on anything that you're concerned with while on treatment? So we'll wait, most probably for my November cycle. That leaves me plenty of time to enjoy Eid, spending months leading to October planning for my big holiday with DH and my little sister, and enjoying it in October. We're in no hurry for now. Them embabies will still be throwing each other snowballs in the freezer when we get back from our holiday. And while we wait for November to come, I'm on aspirin to think my blood. Doctor's orders. Just when I think I'm done with meds for now. 

A friend sent me this and it really tickled me LOL! 

In other news, apparently someone thinks I don't have kids because I don't want them. Well, that's a first. I wonder where she got that idea from? Maybe I should show her all our hospital bills from 2007 through 2014 *blink blink*

Right then. I'm heading off to bed. I'm back at work after my two week medical leave and I had at least twelve things on my to do list at the office today. And so far I have only ticked off two. I'm already so tired thinking about what's waiting for me at the office tomorrow LOL. And I have to wake up at 5 am to prepare for sahur. By the way, how's everyone's Ramadhan so far? Good? Alhamdulillah. 

Have a good week ahead my chickadees!

Polyp? Autoimmune disease? What?

So I had my hysteroscopy on Thursday evening and my RE found that everything is A-ok. Surprise surprise. I think she's a a bit at loss as to how to fix me. She did find a small polyp though, removed it and sent it to the lab for testing. She also asked if anyone in my family has a history of arthritis and I told her no. She seemed a bit concerned about arthritis which made me concerned. As soon as she stepped out of the room I remembered that my mom had her kneecaps replaced due to osteoarthritis. I texted her and told her but have not received a reply yet. Oh well. My next appointment is next Friday. We'll see what she says and we'll go from there, yes? And hopefully the small polyp is nothing to worry about.

And here's DH exhausted keeping me company at the hospital after a day's work. Poor guy. Too bad the hospital didn't have single rooms available or he could have spent the night in my room :(

In other news, me being stubborn went to the gym this morning and joined the body step class. Told a white lie to DH and fold him that I walked on the treadmill. And whaddaya know, when I came home this evening I started bleeding again. So ladies, lesson number one, no exercise so soon after a hysteroscopy procedure. Lesson number two, never ever tell a white to your husband. Ever.

Also, do people who just had babies only ever talk about their babies in conversations? Must learn to tune this out. I have enough heartaches to last me a lifetime. Yes, this is the bitter me speaking. La di da.

Well, hope you guys had a great weekend!

I'm Pissed

So earlier this week a friend from school texted me out of the blue. After exchanging pleasantries she suddenly asked me how infertility affects my marriage. I told her that Alhamdulillah DH has been very supportive. In fact he was the one who suggested we get checked up 7 years ago.

And then my friend told me that she's also TTC and it's put a strain on her marriage. She said that her husband, like her wants a baby but he doesn't want to get himself checked out, nor does he want to have anything to do with getting treatment from an RE. Now wouldn't that just annoy you? I was downright pissed! Of course I didn't tell her about my feelings and just listened as she poured her heart out. The poor girl really wants to get help and yet she feels so utterly helpless. I suggested that she go see my awesome RE and get herself checked first. And then go home and talk to her husband and persuade him to do the same. Sometimes men just need a little push eh?

I guess I'm really lucky that DH is my biggest cheerleader in our TTC journey. He's never missed an appointment, always been there with me everytime I get my blood tested and keeps me company when I have to stay overnight at the hospital, no matter how uncomfortable the bed is. I'm not saying that a husband has to do all these, but just show support damn it! Your wife is trying to have a baby and it's your damn baby too!

I could tell from the tone of the texts that my friend was on the verge of crying. Maybe she already did and it was so heartbreaking. And it bummed me that I couldn't help her except refer her to my RE and to listen as she told her story. 

I wish there was more awareness about infertility so people know that they can get help. And speaking of, I really wanted to go a fertility forum at Pantai Hospital this morning which my RE is the presenter. I think these forums is a good place to start if you are hesitant to see a doctor for a check up. Know about infertility and find out how the doctor can help. Knowledge is key, people. And guys, if you can't show support for your wives, let me know. I have my fist ready to punch you in the face. 

Hello Friends!

Hello friends! First of all, thank you so much for your prayers and kind notes. They got me through the BFN. Speaking of BFN, I've been a real busy bee since we got the test result. Not only busy with trying again but also busy with doing my own stuff which is long overdue. First I got a haircut and put highlights to cover up my mushrooming white hair. They're horrendous! The white hair, not the highlights hehe. Then I registered with a gym and have been going three times so far. And I'm loving it! I've forgotten how good it feels to really sweat. Plus I need to lose 6kg and I need to start training for the Standard Chartered marathon in October. Thank goodness I don't mind working out. And I'm thinking of getting hubs to register at the gym too. We'll see how well that turns out hehe.

I also made a new TTC friend! While I was doing IVF #3 all we've ever done was text each other and since IVF #3 didn't work out, we arranged to meet a couple of weeks ago. And she's lovely!! So glad for the day that she first sent me an e-mail saying hello :)

Speaking of TTC, I've also been seeing the RE to follow up on our next plan. We did a whole bunch of blood tests, some of them I couldn't even pronounce. We haven't gotten the results yet though. The RE has also arranged me to do a hysteroscopy next week, so it looks like I'm gonna have to spend a couple of nights again at the hospital. Oh well. Whatever it takes to find out what's wrong with me right? 

So that's what's up with me. How are you guys doing? :)

Nada

So beta was this morning and as expected it was negative. In fact it was <2. It was pretty embarrassing really. I felt like failing an exam and I have never failed an exam in all my life. Well except for add math in Form Four but that was forgivable :P Expected because I've been testing from 6dpt until this morning and all of them were negative. DH couldn't understand why I kept testing every morning and not wait for beta. I told him that it was for my own sanity LOL. And I'm glad I did coz I wasn't taken by surprise when Dr told me the result. She immediately put a plan into action, which is why we adore her. The plan is to do a full antibody blood work this Thursday, see her next week and to do another hysteroscopy surgery in June. That's another two holes in my tummy to add to the existing four. I haven't even given birth and I have multiple scars on my tummy. Oh well, scars tell stories, don't they? Dr Adilah refused to do FET until she finds out what's wrong since my embryos, ovaries and uterus are all fine, which we are okay with. We'd rather find out and fix what's wrong than waste our embabies in a rush for FET.

So this is another test that He has thrown our way, one that we will persevere to overcome, or at least try to. Do I feel sad? Damn right I do. But I'm not giving up. If Dr Adilah is not giving up, we're not giving up. We are lucky that we have four embabies on ice. We are lucky that we have her as our RE. We are lucky that we still have money set aside to do FET this year. We are lucky to have each other.

We're going out to watch X-men in a bit. I'm going out for lunch with a newly made friend tomorrow (can't wait for this), and then go shopping to drown my sorrows. 

And then we'll try again. 

C.O.N.S.T.I.P.A.T.E.D

My God have I been constipated since ER. It was just so awful I don't even know how to explain. Bottom line, I haven't been able to "go" since ER. Disgusting I know. I don't know if it's the anesthetic gas or the drugs that I've been taking, but it's gotten so bad that my tummy was in pain. I mentioned about it to the doctor and she said it could be a symptom of OHSS. Crap. Although I don't think it is coz I haven't gained any significant weight not have my abdominal girth expanded significantly. I know coz I've been weighing and measuring myself everyday as instructed by the doctor. Anyway, I told the doctor about it again this morning and she told me to take Duphalac. And whaddaya know, two hours after taking 15ml of Duphalac I cleared my bowel. Hooray!

Also, I've been texting the doctor about my daily fluid intake and urine output. Again, disgusting I know. Even writing about it makes me cringe. I'm supposed to take a minimum of 2L of fluid a day, and can I just say that right now, I can't even look at a glass of water without wanting to throw up. And speaking of throwing up, you guessed it. I threw up every day for the last two days. 

I'm not complaining but this is way harder than my last two IVFs. But I'm taking all this in my stride. Hopefully this is a sign that I'm responding to the treatment. 

Tomorrow is ET day and I still haven't packed my bag. I just finished doing my office work to make my colleagues' jobs easier in my absence. I'm supposed to call the clinic first tomorrow before coming over. ET is at 3 pm do my guess is that they don't want me to waste my time by coming early. But as usual, we IVF patients are all kinds of crazy. When I got the call from the nurse telling me to call the clinic first, my brain started telling me that maybe there's something wrong. Maybe the embies haven't grown to the point that they could be transferred. Crazy right?

Anyway, I gotta get my things ready for tomorrow. Talk to you guys soon. Hope you had a lovely weekend :)

Embabies!

So Wednesday was ER day. This time the doctor put me under general anesthetic which meant that I had to stay at the hospital a little bit longer. I won't bore you with details of the hospital stay. I will say that we managed to get 13 eggs! We could've gotten more except that I started bleeding so 13 was what we had. Came back home late in the evening with my body feeling like it had been run over by a bus. 

We went back to the hospital this morning for a follow up and out of 13 eggs, 7 of them became mature. Yay! Alhamdulillah. The doctor said that she will only transfer one in and the rest will be frozen, and we're fine with that. I'm not hoping for multiples, although that would be great. What I want is a good embryo to be transferred in that will grow into a beautiful baby InsyaAllah. 

So on Monday I'll have to be admitted to stay for 2 nights or so and for ET. I love that the doctor insists on me being admitted so that she can monitor my progress. Sure we're paying a lot more for this treatment this time, but we feel like we're being really looked after.

I brought home work to finish off this weekend so that come Monday I can rest and relax the entire 3 weeks that the doctor has given me MC.

So here's to hoping that everything goes well on Monday InsyaAllah.

Have a good weekend everyone!

Three Things

9 a.m: One spot of brown discharge

2 p.m: Collected these from the nurse *faint*

7.30 p.m: texted RE. Will most probably start stims on Sunday. 

I need to lie down and take this all in.

D for Determination

So since I had some bleeding last Saturday, the doctor told us to come in to the clinic yesterday for a scan. So we did and met the transvaginal wand. Everything looked okay. My uterus showed that AF will be coming real soon and she predicted to come tomorrow, which woul make our plan right in track. There was a small 3cm cyst though on my right ovary but she didn't think it was a cause for concern. If my period comes tomorrow then I will start taking my stims on Monday and ER will be on 14/5. Wow. This is really happening people! I cannot bloody wait. 

In other news, we got back my vitamin D blood test and thyroid result and...drum roll please! My result came back at 175 which was really good! Even the doctor was pleasantly surprised and even told us that it's very rare that her patients show her this kind of result *pattting myself on the back* Looks like religiously taking my multivitamins is paying off. Thank you Blackmore multivitamins. You may test awful but damn you're good! This time around I'm being very diligent in taking my supplements. Every little thing helps right? And I'm very determined to do every thing I can to make this cycle work. 

I'm supposed to collect my stims tomorrow and my next appointment is on 10/5. I feel good about this. InsyaAllah this is it. 

Happy Labour Day friends!

Lightbulb Moment

I'm a planner. I like to plan ahead. When it comes to holidays I'll be the one preparing the itinerary six months before the actual holiday. So naturally when it comes to IVF #3, I want to make sure that everything is in order. When I had some spotting on Saturday it kind of threw me out of whack. I wasn't expecting AF to arrive till end of the month. Plus the Dr had instructions on the stim meds that we need to get and we haven't gotten them yet. And so I got a bit flustered.

When I told DH about the stims he told me to ask the Dr whether we should get them now or wait. So I asked and she said to get them now. And even then DH was hesitant to get them and told me to wait for the scan on Wednesday. By this time I was getting really annoyed. I didn't want to wait till AF arrives in full flow to get the stims. I really don't want to rush this. So I told him fine, if he wasn't going to call the nurse to order the stims I'll do it myself. Seeing that he had already pissed me off I think he felt a little guilty so he called the nurse. While he was talking to the nurse to place our order it suddenly dawned on me why he was hesitant to get the stims. He was actually hoping that I'd get pregnant naturally! I wanted to laugh but didn't have the heart to. Knowing my past and my inability to conceive (come on, we've been trying for a baby for 9 friggin' years) I really didn't think that it's possible. 

He told me that the nurse will call him on Friday to confirm our order. I think he was a bit relieved coz that would mean that we will getting the stims only after my scan LOL. 

So anyway we'll be going to the clinic this Wednesday just to make sure that everything is ok, and I guess we'll go from there. 

Have a great week, friends!

Confusion

So yesterday while I was getting ready to hit the road with my mom to Melaka for a weekend with my cousins, I skipped to the loo and almost immediately saw that I had some spotting. Predictably I panicked coz my period wasn't due till end of the month and Dr Adilah is still out of the country. I left the piece of paper with the list of questions that I was supposed to ask her when AF comes at home so DH had to go home and snap a picture of the list and send it to me. So I asked her if I should stop my meds and whether we're still on schedule for a scan on 10/5. A couple of hours later she texted me back and told me to come in next Wednesday for a scan, earlier than planned. Sigh...so much for being a veteran at IVF. No matter how many times you do this, there will still be uncertainties. The stopping has since stopped which adds to my confusion. Toilet paper wipe shows zero stain. What the hell is going on? I'll just have to wait for Wednesday for answers. Ho hum.

In other news, my super cute vein is giving me and the nurses problems again. Because my veins are super small and I had to draw some blood last Friday for a vitamin D and thyroid test, the nurse poked me twice to find my vein and guess what? They couldn't find it! So they had to resort to using a butterfly needle. Fun stuff!

I'm back at mom and dad's place from my Melaka trip, sans DH. I'm now waiting for him to pick him up. Missing him terribly too. We are seldom apart. To be honest I can count with my fingers the number of times that we were apart. Le sigh...

Anyway, I'm gonna take a nap while waiting for him. Hope you guys had a good weekend!

Of Blood Test and the TTC Community

This is my RE. She's awesome. She appeared on the telly on Monday to talk about infertility and what couples can do to have babies of their own. At the end of the segment when she was asked what advice would she give to hopeful couples, one of the things she said was "don't give up". I like that. I know that that that's what we have to do, to not give up. But it's comforting to hear her say it.

On Monday I got a text from her asking me to come into the clinic to do a vitamin D blood test. I like that knowing that she's not even in the country right now, she still takes time to communicate with her patients. I adore this lady. So on Friday DH and I are gonna pop into the lab for a blood test. Needles and blood. Fun stuff!

A couple of days ago I received an e-mail from a stranger telling me that she read my blog and that our TTC journey are almost the same. But when she told me about her TTC journey, there was nothing similar about them at all. Sure I failed my two IVFs but this girl lost her baby at 21 weeks. My goodness. My heart broke reading about it and I could feel my eyes welling with tears. She was telling me how strong I am going through this long and uncertain journey. But seriously, my strength is nothing compared to hers. Sometimes I forget that in my heartbreak, that there are people who's had it worse than me. I wish you well for your third IVF my new friend. You know who you are.

I wrote a couple of times about how important my BBC friends are to me in this journey. Like any other support groups, the TTC community is awesome. I know how hard it is to talk about your TTC journey with close friends and even families. Heck, I only tell my friends and family of this third IVF on a need to know basis only. Sometimes you can't get the support you need from friends and families. Sometimes it's easier to talk strangers. They give you a different perspective and keep things in check for you, which is what I like. How I stayed strong after my two failed IVFs was largely because of my BBC friends and I'm forever grateful to them.

So for those who are in this journey, I encourage you to find a group or community that you are comfortable with and hop on board. You'll be pleasantly surprised. Or if you are not comfortable with that, I'll be happy to talk to you (if you need someone to talk to). To be honest, I'm a bit dismayed that where I live, infertility is not advocated enough, unlike in the US. It's a shame really, because infertility is a medical disease and people need to be more aware and talk about it. So, if you need someone to talk to, just e-mail me ok? You are not alone.

Have a good week everyone!

And the Waiting Game Begins

So normally when this happens, my crazy self will rummage through my drawer looking for that HPT, hoping against hope that this time two blue lines will magically appear. Alas, this isn't the case this month. Knowing my inability to conceive on my own and the fact that Dr Adilah prescribed Norcolut to suppress my period this month, I knew that I would be wasting my time. 

So, this Norcolut stuff is really messed up, huh? I've been taking it for a couple of weeks now and I think my body is super confused. AF was supposed to come two days ago (see picture) and it didn't. I think my body is thinking "what the hell is going on here???" I have cramps, not unlike period cramps but so far I haven't had any emotional outbursts thank God. The good doctor has timed AF to come end of the month, just in time for her to be back from Germany so I'm just waiting for that to happen. And that's when all the fun starts. Bring on the needle I say! Fun stuff. Fun fun stuff *crying inside*

Have a good weekend everyone!

Tick Tick Ticker

Hello friends! So in the last post I mentioned that Dr Adilah questioned whether I was really pregnant during my two IVFs, and what she said really stuck in my head until today. It made me doubt my "pregnancies". Because of that doubt and because we're now moving towards our third IVF, I have taken down the two baby tickers from this blog. It took me a while to gather up the courage to take them down. I guess I was afraid that I would forget. Sure I doubted whether I was pregnant or not but I didn't want to forget that it may have happened. Does that make sense? Anyway, when I finally did find the courage and clicked the "remove" button, I felt a semblance of peace. I can now look ahead and look forward to this third IVF and the only ticker I want to put up on this blog for now is the ticker to countdown the days till DH and I will get to hold our baby (or babies) in our arms. 

Speaking of third IVF, I cannot wait to start. I can't say whether I have good vibes about this yet, but at least we're on that road of trying again. Plus I'm looking forward to staying at home for a couple weeks without thinking about work LOL. 

And that's all folks! Have a great day (or what's left of it)

Information Overload

So DH and I just came out from Dr. Adilah's clinic and wow, was there a lot of information to be processed. We got our IVF schedule, but not before she studied our file from our HUKM days. A bit troubling actually coz she wasn't too happy with our previous protocols at HUKM. Timing was all wrong with our OPU and procedures and all that. And biggest news of the day. Drumroll please! I might not have even been pregnant the last 2 IVFs! Because of the high dosage of hcg that the previous doctor prescribed, it could have been a false positive. Thinking back it makes sense coz when I had my first "miscarriage" Dr Asha didn't find any gestational sac when he scanned me. Hmmm...

Anyway, those are in the past. Moving forward, I'm on track for IVF in May. Because Dr Adilah will be going to Germany end of this month, she wants to prolong my cycle so that AF will come just before she comes back from Germany. She and I both agree that we want her to be involved in this IVF from start to finish. No stand in for me. I'm a bit worried that my AF will be pushed back. Me and suppressed AF don't get along LOL. She gave us a list of meds to get and the schedule, plus her contact details for me to contact her as soon as AF comes to schedule my stims intake. I've got a whole list of stuns to take this time around. Fun stuff!

Hey ho let's go!

Because Dr Adilah is very thorough with her work we are hoping that InsyaAllah this will work for us. She's even keeping aside our file to study as she thinks our case is very "interesting" LOL. And she's only a whatsapp away if we ever need anything. Have I mentioned that we absolutely love her? Yes we do! 

Well, I gotta get back to the office. Dang that was a long appointment! I'm exhausted!

Have a good week!

IVF #3: Day 1

So today I start taking Pyrogynova to relax my uterus. Tomorrow is our second appointment date with Dr. Adilah. I'm not sure what to expect tomorrow. I think she wants to do another scan to make sure that everything is ok before I start taking injections. We're taking it slow this time and keeping it under wraps except for a few people whom I've told, so we'll see how that plays out. 

This afternoon I went out for lunch with my buttcheeks and can I just say that it felt weird sitting there among my closest friends. It was like there was a wall separating us and I didn't know what to talk about with them anymore except for the normal pleasantries. And when they start talking about their bundles of joy I felt lost, like I didn't belong. Maybe it's all in my head. Maybe I need to get used to the fact that I'm the odd one out now. Maybe.

Anyway, I should turn in early to get ready for our appointment tomorrow. Goodnight and have a great week ahead!

IVF #3: The Beginning

So this morning hubs and I went for our first IVF #3 consult with Dr. Adilah. It went great Alhamdulillah. No polyp in sight! I have to start taking Progynova this Sunday to relax my ovaries and go for a follow up consult next Monday. We're excited about this. I even bought a pillbox to keep all my meds. What can I say, Dr. Adilah's last words to me before we left her clinic were "don't forget to take your pills!" LOL!

So when everything goes to plan (I'm being very optimistic here), ER will be at the end April and ET in early May. Yay!

So now I have to let my boss know about my plan to take a long leave in May. For once I don't feel bad about taking leave. After all the stupid things the company did to screw up my raise, I can honestly say that I don't give a shit about work. I'm focusing all my energy towards this IVF and everything and everyone else can go fly kite, right? :P

So here's to IVF #3! I feel kinda bad for DH though. Knowing me and my relationship with hormone meds, I can be 99% sure that I'll be so weepy and clingy LOL. Well too bad hehehe. Wish us luck!

Have a good week everyone!

Holiday!

So Matta Fair started last Friday and DH and I have been talking about wanting to travel again this year. We agreed a city in Europe, and after calling the travel agent that we used last year for our Japan trip, we made our booking. I also managed to persuade little sister to join us on our adventure. I only get to see her a couple of times a year because of her work as a trauma doctor Sabah, which is not nearly enough, so to get her on board on our adventure is awesome. The original plan was for DH and I to go on our anniversary in August, but since since August is a bit too hot in that particular city we decided on October. And since we will be mostly walking around during the day and collapse at the end of the day and there won't be much of baby dance, if at all any, we thought it would be fun if little sister joins us. And if by chance that I am pregnant come October InsyAllah if our IVF is successful, having a doctor on the trip would be really helpful and reassuring.

DH originally planned to go for 7 nights which leaves us 6 full days to tour the city. Not nearly enough if you ask me. So on Sunday when we went to pay for the airline tickets, I managed to persuade him to extend another night. I mean, the original plan was to come back on Friday so we can rest on Saturday and Sunday, so why not extend another night and we can still rest on Sunday, right? :P

So now all that's left for me to do is make the booking for the hostel and plan the itinerary. Time to bring back out the itinerary goddess in me I say!

I know DH is a bit worried about me and baby if and when I do get pregnant, but hey, I've learned not to let my infertility and treatments get in the way of life. I'm having enough pressure as it is with friends being pregnant or giving birth and being blissfully happy with their child filled lives. I don't need to add to that pressure by planning my life around my infertility. And there's no point worrying about a pregnancy that's not yet happening. Plus, if my doctor says that she's not comfortable with me going on the trip if and when I do get pregnant, I don't think I'll be that irresponsible to insist on going.

So that's the plan. Here's to a fabulous October!

Have a good day everyone!
xoxo

Just For Giggles

I found this in my twitter timeline today and just thought that it's pretty funny. Fertility treatments are stressful enough, so let's just have a bit of a laugh about it every once in a while eh? :D

Now if only fertility treatments were this easy tihihi.

Happy Wednesday my lovely chickadees!

Planning for IVF

For those of you interested in doing IVF with Dr. Adilah Ahmat at Pantai Hospital KL, here's the link to her latest blog where she talked about planning for IVF. It's a short but detailed entry on what you can expect if you want to do an IVF cycle with her. DH and I like to think that our appointment with her last Friday triggered this post, coz we did ask a lot of questions on the procedure LOL. I love this post coz now I can really plan my days off from the office beginning from next month. Here's to starting IVF #3 InsyaAllah :)

Later, my chickens!

IVF #3

So DH and I went to see Dr Adilah on Friday to talk about IVF #3. She asked us when we plan to do it and we told her we'd like to start this month, bearing in mind that that day was CD17. She did a quick scan and she said I was already ovulating and she couldn't really see whether everything looked ok for IVF. So I guess we'll have to come again next month on CD12 and then we'll go from there. 

I like the fact that she needs to be really sure everything is perfect with my uterus etc before she gives the go ahead. I've had other REs who would just go ahead without checking. So that was comforting. 

We asked her for the cost and after a quick calculation it would come up to RM18K or so. Gulp! But InsyaAllah we can work it out. It does look like she'll be prescribing A LOT of medicines. My best friend in Jakarta who knows about this treatment even offered to help financially, and even though we declined the offer, I felt really grateful for her thoughtfulness. May He bless you always for your kindness, my friend. 

In other news, two of my buttcheeks gave birth recently, and one of them to an IVF baby. Looks like I'm the odd one out now. Sigh. 

Also in other news, I'm feeling really sad about the news of our MH370 airplane which went missing yesterday. I cannot imagine what the family members are feeling right now. My prayer goes out to each and every one of them. Though the odds are pretty slim, I like to think that there's still a sliver of hope. Let's hope that all will be well

#prayforMH370  

A Moment in Solitude. And a Plan!

So last Friday I found out from FB and Instagram that a friend is pregnant with her 6th child. 6th!!! Good on her. She posted a photo of the sonogram. I think I may have stared at the picture for a good couple of minutes, frozen. And as if on auto pilot I started walking to the toilet and started crying. Thankfully it was during lunch hour and after hiding in the toilet for about fifteen minutes, I cleaned up, got out, walked back to my cubicle, grabbed my purse and book that I was currently reading and went next door to Gloria Jean's. I placed my order for a tall caramel latte and found a seat in the corner, away from everyone else.

As I sipped my coffee I sat there thinking, "this is exactly what I need. A time away from everyone else, if only for half an hour." While I hid from everyone, I texted my best friend in Jakarta and told her what happened, and as usual she gave me encouraging words plus anecdotes in between which made me laugh, and everything seemed a bit better. Sometimes, a moment in solitude is what you need to put yourself back together and put things in perspective. 

Anyway, DH and I went to see an ustaz last weekend in Melaka, just to see whether there is 'anything' preventing us from getting pregnant and to treat that first before we proceed with IVF. The last ustaz we saw at Yashfien centre a couple of months ago told us that there was 'something attaching itself to DH' which prevents him from making me pregnant, Wallahualam. After DH went for a couple of treatments at the centre, we thought of giving this ustaz in Melaka a try and according to this ustaz there is nothing wrong with either of us, which got us confused! But he did advice DH to perform solat sunat every day at night and to recite the last verse in Surah Yasin 100 times after every solat sunat. We're hoping that whatever it is that was attaching itself to DH is now gone, if ever there was any. Hopefully after this everything will be smooth sailing, InsyaAllah.

So this afternoon I was visiting a friend at the hospital who gave birth to an FET baby yesterday and it just so happens that it's the same hospital where my RE is. DH and I talked about our next cycle this morning, and since the Melaka ustaz didn't find anything wrong with us and since I was already at the hospital, I made an appointment with the RE to discuss IVF No. 3. We're scheduled to meet her next Friday. So our March plan is a go. Yay! But before we start with IVF, we made plans to go for a short holiday just to wind down and relax before everything IVF starts going crazy, so tomorrow we're going to Lombok for a four day holiday. I'm pretty excited about this trip. I've heard that Lombok is a beautiful place and unlike Bali, is not too crowded. So that's where I will be for the next four days. Will try to post pictures when I get back. I know I've been really bad at posting entries on my Japan trip. Eeeek!!

Have a wonderful week guys!!!

Japan Day 4 & 5: Kyoto

After we returned from Hiroshima, we checked in at this lovely place in Kyoto called Piece Hostel. Although it's a hostel, it's very modern, very clean and its staff are awesome! We managed to arrive just before the reception closed at 11 p.m. and got our room key in a jiffy. The room itself is pretty small, just enough to fit in a sink and a double bed but we didn't mind. The bed was oh so comfortable that as soon as I landed my head on the pillow, I literally could just fall asleep. One downside of this hostel is that the showers are located only on the first floor, but I didn't see it as an inconvenience. We managed just fine. Plus the showers are awesome! All the cubicles are equipped with good quality shower liquid, shampoo and conditioner. The hostel also has one shower room with a bathtub if you and your partner would like to shower together. The bathtub is a bit weird because it's very square, unlike your ordinary curved bathtub. But fret not, if bathtubs are not your thing, there's also a shower head installed.

Another good thing about this hostel is that breakfast is provided. Breakfast is usually bread, potato salad (pretty good), instant miso soup and rice. Pretty decent breakfast I must say. We usually stuffed ourselves with loads of bread and potato salad and hearty bowl of miso soup before we started our day. I love the kitchen. It has a very communal atmosphere to it. Every morning, there will be groups of travelers, much like us getting their breakfast and sipping coffee. There are two long tables in kitchen so you have no choice but to sit with strangers, which is a good thing because it's a chance for you to share your travelling experiences. We got to know one couple from France and they told us which places to go to get the most of our Kyoto experience.

The kitchen area. Picture taken from the hostel's website. Lovely isn't it?

Another thing I love about this place is this huge map that they put up at the kitchen. It's basically a blown up map of Kyoto with popular tourist attractions highlighted. Very  helpful for us first time travelers. And did I mention that the staff were helpful? Well, they were wonderful. From the night we arrived (they actually waited for us before they closed the reception just so we could check in) until the day we checked out, they were incredible. 

Above is a picture of a blown up Kyoto map that the hotel puts up in the lounge. It shows the must-go places in Kyoto and how to get there. Cool isn't it?

We started the next day by visiting the Arashiyama Bamboo Forest. The forest is magnificent to say the least. Rows upon rows of bamboo trees lining up the path to the top. It was magical.

We stumbled upon this traditional looking entrance to a house

Gorgeous, isn't it?

From the Bamboo Forest, we went to the Iwatayama Monkey Park. We loved walking from the Bamboo Forest to the entrance of the monkey park. We had to cross the Togetsukyu Bridge to get to the monkey park from the bamboo, and the view was just beautiful. We took our time walking across the bridge, taking in the sights and sounds.

We didn't expect the hike to the monkey park was going to be challenging! It was quite a hike to get up to this monkey cage. Warning: parents who bring strollers are up for a challenge getting here.

The cool thing about this park is that the monkeys roam free while the visitors are in the cage, instead of the other way round. From inside the cage you can feed the monkeys with food bought only at the counter inside the cage. Be warned though that once the monkeys know that they'll be fed, they will become quite aggressive and impatient for the food. 

Feeding time!

From the monkey park we made our way back to Kyoto. I had the Nishiki market as one of the places that we were visiting in my itinerary and the market did not disappoint. The market is big and it will take some time to get from one end to the other, but it will be worth it I promise you. If you're curious to see what kind of things Japanese people eat, this will be the place to. You'll find gorgeous and fresh fish (they also sell sashimi to go), weird looking things you can't even begin to describe (see below picture) and of course, fresh oysters. 

DH had a ball at this stall eating fresh oysters. They were shucked right before our eyes!

From the market we thought of finishing the day off by visiting Gion, a place famous for its geishas. Since it was too early for geisha sighting (we were told that they only come out in late evenings), we walked around Kawaramachi to scour for late lunch. A friend who had been to Japan before told us that food markets in Japanese department stores would be a good place to look for food. And she was right. We spotted a huge Takashimaya and decided to venture there and was amazed when we entered the food market. There were so many food to see that we didn't know where to start! We decided to keep it simple and have the smoked salmon salad with Japanese dressing. I took the first bite and was in salad heaven. The salmon was so good and the salad so fresh that we were tempted to get more.

After that heavenly meal, we walked around Pontocho for a bit. Pontocho is a lovely lane or alley to the west of Kamogawa River. Walking through the alley will transport you back to the olden days Kyoto. The buildings still retain their traditional look and feel and it is advisable to visit this alley at night, where the lanterns lining the alley will be lit. If you are adventurous when it comes to food, this will be the place to go as there are plenty of restaurants lining the alley. 

Pontocho street 

From Pontocho we visited Gion. We were pretty disappointed with Gion I have to say. I would imagine that since Gion is one Japan's geisha's district, it would retain the old Kyoto feel, and we were surprised with how busy it was. We were hoping to catch a glimpse of geikos or geishas, and meikos (geisha apprentices) but we were unlucky. We did see people walking around in geisha costumes though. Apparently you can rent the costumes for the day.

We weren't sure if this "geisha" was the real deal

I did stumble upon Yojiya, a store which sells traditional cosmetics created in Kyoto itself. Since the products are not cheap, I only splurged on the hand cream, the face blotter (apparently the Japanese make the best face blotters) and lip balm, although truth be told I wanted to buy everything the store had to offer. 

So there you have it. A long overdue update on Day 5 of my Japan trip. 

Thanks for reading!