TGIF!

Hello chickens! TGIF! Oh yeah! Gosh, it's been a while hasn't it? A lot has happened in the last couple of months. Not all of them interesting. Good news. My cyst has gone completely so I'm back at the gym trying to keep in shape in preparation of our next IVF, whenever that may be. We were initially planning to do a fresh cycle after Eid, which would be this month. But since we're going on our annual long holiday in November, it's not really a good time to do it. So hopefully we'll do it when we come back in December.

My period was late this month by two days, which gave me hope. And then it came. I haven't felt this depressed in a long time and this month I broke. I haven't been feeling all that good mentally the last month or so. The postponement of our IVF contribute I think. I remember yesterday I was sitting in front of my laptop at the office and suddenly my eyes were welling with tears. Sigh...

Anyway, I think I've gotten quite good with my yoga practice. On Wednesday I went for my advanced yoga flow class and we were practising our inversions, headstands, handstands and arm balances with the wall. I used to struggle a lot even with the wall and now I feel like I'm struggling a lot less and I'm getting a lot stronger. I've read that doing inversions help with infertility, so I'm hoping going for my yoga classes will do me a world of good. 

Alright then. I should get back to work. Have a good weekend my chickens! 

And The Drama Continues

Hello chickadees. Guess what? My life has suddenly become much more interesting than it already is because of the drama that unfolded this morning. What drama you ask? Let me tell you.

It all began on a dark stormy night yesterday when I went to the loo and noticed that there was blood in my panty. Very weird considering I just had my AF two weeks ago, if you remember my last post. So I texted my RE who told me to go see her for a scan this morning, and I told her I would. And that was that, so far. And then last night after I finished my yoga classes at the gym. I was looking for hubs and couldn't find so I texted him to ask where he was. He told me that he skipped gym and was sleeping in the car. He said that  didn't feel too good. Apparently a certain part of his anatomy is in pain. What now??? But I let it go coz I thought it was nothing. And then at 3 a.m. today I woke up to the sound of him going to the loo. I asked him if he was okay and he told me that he was really in pain. He couldn't sleep and couldn't even walk properly by then. So I took a look at the said anatomy and found a bump the size of a thumb.

I was beginning to freak out by then and told him to get dressed and let me take him to the clinic, and he quickly did as he was told. This further freaked me out because he never agrees to see the doctor for anything, so I was guessing by then that he was really, really in pain. So I drove him to the clinic at 3 in the morning, when nary a soul was awake except us, the nurse and the doctor at the clinic. The doctor took one look at the bump and told us with a straight face that there is puss inside i.e. bisul. Whadahel??? He said that it's pretty common among guys, and the only thing he could do was take a truckload of antibiotics and some pain killers and pray that it goes down in a couple of days. So we took the meds and went on our merry way back home. After taking the pain killer and putting the antibiotic ointment on the bump, he was sleeping soundly after 5 minutes. Me on the other hand couldn't sleep a wink.

After four hours of battling with insomnia, I got out of bed and got ready for my emergency appointment with Dr. Adilah. I was driving on the highway (since hubs was still in pain and couldn't move) and singing at the top of my lungs when hubs texted me and told me that his bisul ruptured. Whaaaaat??? I called him (using bluetooth of course) since I detest people who text when they're driving (come on guys, I don't care about your life, since you obviously don't, but have a care for the other people on the road you're endangering) and he repeated that his bisul ruptured and that he was "feeling so much better". I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

Aaaaaanyway, I reached the hospital, told her nurse like the boss that I am (yeah right), that Dr. Adilah told me that I didn't have to make an appointment since this was an emergency when 5 minutes later Dr. Adilah came strolling in and asked me to come in side her clinic. We chatted for a few minutes, I told her what the blood from my bleeding looks like and before long she had me lying on the bed with the transvaginal wand in her hands. She showed me the screen and what did we see? A bloody 6mm cyst. Whaaaat??? I have never had a cyst in my entire life and here it is the size of a golf ball (on the screen anyway. I'm exaggerating here but you get the picture). The good news is that we can get rid of it with the help of meds, but if it doesn't shrink by the time of my next appointment at the end of the month, I'm looking at surgery to remove. The bad news is, it could rupture and then the doctor is gonna have to perform an emergency surgery. Oh hell to the no! I'm supposed to go to Krabi with my girlfriends on Thursday! She did say that I could go provided I don't go swimming and to minimize my movement. That means that I won't be going to the gym for the next couple of weeks (a little bit of my soul died then) and even have to perform prayers while sitting on a chair.

That's not even the best part. She then asked me, "how sure are you that you're pregnant?" Whaaaaat??? (this counts as No. 4, right?) I told her that I wasn't sure but I also told her that it's unlikely since I had my period two weeks ago. But she ordered a beta anyway while I looked at her like she was an alien from Planet Areyoucrazy. Her rationale was that if by a miniscule chance (my words, not hers) that if I'm pregnant, I cannot take Norcolut, a drug to stop my bleeding and shrink the cyst because it's not suitable for pregnant women and I have to take Duphaston instead. Being the good patient that I am, I went to the lab and had my blood sample taken. At 2 p.m. her nurse called and told me my beta is <2. Bahahahahaha!!! Sister, I could have saved RM168 and told you that myself! So Norcolut it is!

So that was the drama ladies and gentlemen. We'll see how it goes in a couple of weeks. Hopefully my cyst behaves and shrinks itself into oblivion soon. I swear it felt like I was in a comedy the whole morning.

What was your morning like? LOL!!!

Coup d'etat

Yup. This is what I am feeling right now. Three days ago for some reason what I thought was AF made an appearance. It was 7 days too early. And it came in streaks. TMI, I know. Yesterday was the most blood I got, and it didn't even fill one napkin. Today it decided to come in streaks again. It seems like my body has done a coup d'etat on me. So I texted Dr Adilah to tell her about my traitorous body and whether I should take progynova after all this madness has stopped. You see, during our last visit to the doctor, she suggested that I do a mock cycle and prescribed progynova to see how my endometrium responds to it. It appears that during that visit, she wasn't too happy with the thickness of my endometrium, hence the mock cycle. But now with the coup d'etat she suggested that I wait for my next cycle to start my progynova. I'm then asked her if this is normal after IVF, and she said that some people go through this and I don't stop bleeding she'll prescribe some antibiotics. My body is plotting something. I know it.

Anyway, yesterday I went to Meridians Japanese healing centre. Big sis suggested it to me, telling me that her friend did acupuncture there and is now 7 weeks pregnant. Since we didn't have anything to lose anyway, we decided to give it a go. And I'm glad we did. Japanese acupuncture is different from Chinese acupuncture. There's more detail to it. And we loved our therapist, a British bloke who has done this for so long. We went for a consult first and he asked us a lot of questions to find out what we really want out of the therapy. And then he examined me, pressing my abdomen and my legs, taking my pulse etc. And from our previous IVF experience and from his examination, he gathered that my qi is concentrated on my upper body, and does not distribute evenly to my whole body. My pulse is also a bit on the weak side. He then did a moxa treatment where he placed tiny cones on my body and lit them up, sun Uffington out the flame just before it hit my skin. And then he did acupuncture on my back and another round of moxa, which was quite lovely. After the session he felt my pulse again and seemed quite happy with it, which made me happy. He told us that he prefers for me to do a weekly session for three months, by the end of which hopefully I can get pregnant naturally. The session itself is quite expensive, with RM160 per visit, but we thought that's a small price to pay compared to RM30k on a round of IVF. We were quite happy with the session and already made an appointment for next weekend. I mean, I love Dr Adilah. She's the best. But if I can get pregnant naturally without IVF, I sure as he'll am gonna try.

For anyone interested in doing the Japanese acupuncture, you can visit this website. They don't do walk-ins, so it's best for you to make an appointment. Give it a go. It may or may not help, but it doesn't hurt to try, eh?

The interior of Meridians. It's got quite a zen vibe to it. I nicked this from another blog coz I forgot to take a picture of it. What can I say? I was nervous :P

Also, I also would like you, my darling chickadees to say a prayer for my good friend (let's call her Ms. I), who is now pregnant. She's having a tough pregnancy and her doctor says that it may not be a viable one, so keep her in your thoughts, will you? She's a tough cookie, this one, having gone through a lot to have a baby, but that's a story I'll tell in another post.

Till next time, hope you chickadees had a lovely weekend, and those on the other side of the world, have a good one ok?

Even the Strongest Break

I broke. I've been putting on a brave front these past couple of days, convincing myself that I was alright. And then on Friday while I was in the shower, I cried. Like really cried. The kind that makes you cry so hard it gives you hiccups and your chest hurts. And then I performed the Asar prayer and cried to Him. So I guess the strongest breaks sometimes.

While having dinner tonight with hubs, I told him that this year we'll have our baby. And he smiled at me. He told me that the fact that we don't have a baby yet does not mean that it's not our rezeki. Well, not entirely. It's because God is testing us, to see how strong we are when faced with His tests. I reminded him that this is our fourth IVF fail, and he smiled at me and reminded me that it means that we're really strong then. My husband is a rock star.

In other news, I told a friend about our IVF fail and she said,"well it's not like you failed an exam." She is the shittiest of all shitheads. She is also now dead to me.

Bruises, and no baby

So I'm in bed watching the series finale of Parenthood (for the second time) as I write this. Have you seen it by the way? It's really good. Had me cry buckets. Anyway, I had my FET ET last Wednesdsy. Everything looked perfect. We transferred two blastocysts, and both of the have hatched.

See?

Before the ET I had to take Orgalutron and Proluton shots. As I said, they hurt like a bitch. And they gave me bruises.

See??

So after ET I was on bed rest, eating mostly rice with fish and vegetables, nothing spicy until my beta on Wednesday. And guess what? My beta is 3. 3!!! 2 more points to being pregnant. Laughable really. It really felt like the universe was mocking me. Dr. Adilah however told me my progesterone level looks good and asked me to stay on my progesterone pills and comeback for beta on Friday, which is today. So I went again for beta, waited till 12 pm to text the doctor to ask her my result and her reply was, "beta is <2. Stop medication. Call for appoint on day 12." 

So that's it folks! We're done for this cycle. 

I have to say though, that me and DH did really well emotionally this time. We didn't cry when we found out the result. I cried buckets over Parenthood finale and none when I found out our beta result both times. We took it in our stride. I suppose you can say for me especially, too much disappointments have made me a little bit indifferent. Am I disappointed? Of course I am. Am I giving up? Hell to the no. I guess I'm more accepting this time. I mean, DH, our RE and I have done all we could and we left it all to Him. And He is saying it is not our time yet, so me and DH accept that. We're already talking about our plans for our 5th IVF, whether it's a via a fresh cycle or FET. We still have two morulas left, so we'll see.

Do I feel like I've been punched in the gut and roll my eyes to high heaven when I see my friends post photos of their perfect babies on my Instagram feed? Of course I do. Come on guys. I'm only human. But I'm accepting it.

I'm going on a holiday in Krabi with my best girlfriends and their families in March, and then DH wants us to go on a holiday just the two of us after that. I suggested we get our diving certificates, something that I have always wanted to do, and he is open to it. And then we'll start trying again Insha Allah.

In the meantime, since I'll be returning to the office next Wednesday, I'm gonna spend the rest of my break finishing watching Parenthood reruns with a box of Kleenex next to me. Seriously guys. Go watch it. One of the best, if not the best TV shows ever, after Friday Night Lights. And we know how I feel about Friday Night Lights :D

And We Have Blood

So I had my last Orgalutron shot for this cycle 19 minutes ago. And I drew blood. What a nice send off. Hubs looked like he could faint. Men. Tough on the outside but gooey on the inside. Like marshmallows. LOL.

There. It doesn't look that bad, does it? Hurts like a b***ch though LOL. Anyway, that's done. I'm already on Femoston which I have take vaginally. Speaking of...

See, sometimes the only things that will get you through all this hardship and ordeal are (a) praying, and (b) a truck load of humour. 

On another note, I've been going to the gym for a couple of months now and I've only recently started joining the Body Balance class. It's a combination of yoga, Pilates and tai chi and I have to say, the class is so good and the instructor is way awesome. I've heard and read people say that yoga is good for fertility so I'm giving it a go. And if you guys are thinking of taking up yoga, try Fitness First at Avenue K and keep a lookout for classes conducted by one Nick Heng. Love the dude!

Right. Off to bed now. Good night my chickadees!

Happy New Year!

Hello lovelies. How's 2015 treating you so far?  Good I hope, unlike mine. I slept through the fireworks. No surprise there. The first couple of days of 2015 have been a bit bumpy for me. AF came, which means that I had to start taking my Orgalutron shots and my Progynova pills. For some reason, this time the idea of giving myself shots terrified me. I am suddenly afraid of needles. WTH??? I had to take a couple of breaths before giving myself my first shot, and the needle didn't seem to want to pierce my tummy. So I had to try again. And it hurt like hell. I even shed a few tears. WTH??? That has never happened before. I used to be okay with needles. Needles and me? We used to be buddies.

The second shot I had to give myself, I had to do it without hubs sitting next to me. He had to go back to his hometown in Kelantan to clean up his dad's house which was hit by the recent flood. Not the best time for him to go back, but it was something he had to do. And I cried buckets when I sent him to the airport, you would think I wouldn't see him for a year hen in fact he was only gone for one night. Thank God a good friend called to ask if I was okay and asked me out for brunch. We had a good laugh and for a while I forgot how lonely I was without hubs. Thanks Intan! You saved me from a day of wallowing :P That night, I had hubs on speaker the whole time I gave myself the shot. 

3rd shot tonight he was at already at home with me holding my hand. He turned away of course. He can't stand needles and seeing me in pain is something he cannot do. And boy did it hurt. I bled a little and it hurt bad that my teeth chattered for a good few minutes after that. 

So that was my 2015 so far. Fun stuff. I'm supposed to go easy and not strain myself too much. Nurse's order. I'm still gonna do my Pilates and yoga for a bit before I have to stop going to the gym for a while. Tomorrow's gonna be a lazy day. If we wake up early we might go for a morning walk, walk to the market, make lunch and then spend the afternoon on the couch watching DVDs. And then I need to psyche myself up to take the 4th shot at night. I'm already gritting my teeth at the thought.

Until the next update, I hope you are having a lovely weekend my chickadees!

I'm Alive!

Hello beautiful people! No I did not fall of a cliff. Nothing much happened since my last post warranted an update, hence the silence. Well, except for my Istanbul holiday in October, which was a blast. Some photos from the trip :)

            The gorgeous Blue Mosque

Tableware and decorations with Iznik motifs. We managed to snag a few from the Grand Bazaar

Us at Topkapi Palace. You cannot not spend at least 2 hours at this beautiful palace

The Grand Bazaar. We bought quite a few things here at great prices. And we met some of the nicest sellers here

Me and hubs at Galata Bridge. In the background is Galata

Best Turkish coffee can be found at Mandabatmaz in Istiklal. We had two cups each of the strong brew.

Uncle Altan here is definitely my favourite seller in Istanbul. His shop sells the yummiest candies and Turkish delights (lokum)

We saw the whirling dervish show here. Amazing.

Our favourite carpet sellers. Such nice people

Us in front of Dolmabahce Palace. A magnificent monument. Attaturk used to live here. He also died here

Another amazing building, Hagia Sophia. A church turned into a mosque turned into a museum. I must have stood at this spot for a good few minutes with my mouth open, gaping at its splendor.

We shopped. We ate. We walked. We went on ferry trips. We made new friends. We had the time of our lives. Cannot wait to start planning our holiday for next year. 

Hubs and I also celebrated my birthday last weekend with a bang. He took me to Mamma Mia the Musical on Friday (I took the day off), brought me to the Big Bad Wolf Book Sale and got me a mountain of books (in addition to the haul which I already got a couple of weeks ago) and treated me to Japanese food at Kampachi. Good stuff.

In other news, I'm seeing Dr. Adilah tomorrow. If everything goes well, we'll do FET Insha Allah in January. I've missed my doctor. Seeing her face always gives me comfort. I'll have more updates after tomorrow.

Have a good day chickadees!

I Hate My Job

There. I said it. I hate it to the point that waking up in the morning takes me half an hour, and by the time I'm up I'm already exhausted. I hate it so much that walking through the door at the office fills me with such dread. Every day I come in to the office expecting shit to happen. The office used to bring me joy. There was a time when the idea of tackling contracts excite me. Not anymore. Now I feel like throwing those damn contracts in a bonfire and dance around it. I'm not really sure what is it exactly that makes me hate it so much. I think it's a combination of many things.

1. I've been here for almost 5 years. Too damn long if you ask me

2. I miss my old big boss. Sure he breathed down our necks at times, but at least he was fun

3. No career prospect

4. No promotion and/or increment. Big boss said that she would talk to HR about this. That was in March. Nothing is happening
5. Being in the office pisses me off for no other reason than the fact that I'm there
6. Too many red tapes and too many people playing the blame game

All this anger and frustration cannot be good for my FET in November, can it? But until I have another job or open my big plan of opening a bookshop, I guess I'll just have to suck it up. Blurgh. Can't wait for my holiday next month. 37 days to be exact. Yup, it's come to a point that I count the days to my big holiday. I hate my job.

Understand Before you Speak

So something annoyed me today and I can't get it out if my head. I was scrolling my Fakebook (silly me) and a friend reposted someone's advice about not to keep asking a couple when they are going to have children. Well that is all fine and dandy but what annoyed me is that she commented on the advice. And this is what she said:

"I'm aware of this. But sometimes it's the reason you gave at the beginning of your marriage that people keep asking. Like nak enjoy dulu lah, not planning one yet lah. If everyone could give an honest answer there will be less people asking kot?"

So bloody what? Just because you gave those reasons, people have the right to butt in and ask things which are none of their business in the first place? And yes, I commented as much on her post. And may I just add that this girl is now pregnant with baby #2 so what the bloody hell does she know about being childless? I swear to God sometimes people say things or comment on things that they have absolutely no clue about. My advice is keep your trap shut.  

I found this on Fakebook yesterday. 

Basically what it says is that only God knows what He has planned for us. We don't know the trials that people who are unmarried or childless go through so stop judging the unmarried or the childless couple. I think the advice is so spot on. 

So guys, think before you speak. You may hurt people's feelings, although it may be unintentional.

Happy Eid!

Hello my chickadees. How's everyone's Eid so far? And to those who don't celebrate, how are you? Good I hope. I'm enjoying Eid but I have to admit, the excitement kinda wanes a bit the older I get. When I was a kid, Eid was all about getting those green Raya packets. Now it's about keeping my faith in check, performing my ibadah and spending time with my loved ones. This year I got to make lemang at DH's kampung. I've done this a couple of times already and Baba is already pestering me about making lemang in Kajang next year LOL. We spent four days in Kuala Pilah before going back to Kajang to spend second day of Eid with my family. And since little sister is back, it made celebrating Eid a lot more fun. We even lit up an 8 ft Chinese firecrackers at the playground in front of my parents' house LOL! Other than that there's not much to talk about Eid.

Aside from Eid, I feel like I must also address the killings in Gaza and the war between Hamas and Israel. This is because I keep thinking about my BBC friends and I don't want them to think that I'm being disrespectful to their religion or country or anything like that. I hope I'm not. My anger is directed at the government, not the people, and of course at Israel. I have been quite active posting about it on my Facebook and I have stayed away from posting and including religious sentimens in my posts.  For me, the killings in Gaza has nothing to do about religion and has everything to do with humanity. I've read books about the genocide of the Jews by Hitler and I think what Hitler did was beyond reprehensible. Again, because it's put it simply, murder. It's the act of taking away someone's life. How can you stand by and watch thousands of innocent civilians, most if them children and babies, being killed on daily basis and not say anything about it? 

So I'm hope I'm not stepping on anyone's toes on this. If I am please let me know. 

Other than that, it's the weekend! Get out. Have fun outside. It's such a lovely day to be out (though it's a bit hot here LOL). I'm heading out to dinner with the family in a bit. Hopefully you guys are having a grand time with your families and friends too. Take care my chickadees!

Confused x10

Hello wonderful people. How have you been? Good? Great. Me? Not too bad considering all that's been going the last couple of months. I've been in an out of the hospital more times than I can count in the last couple of months, went under general anesthetic twice and still no baby in my belly. And since IVF #3 didn't work and the hysteroscopy showed nothing unusual, my doctor is also at a loss. It was actually pretty funny seeing her reaction when she told us the news. That incredulous look that says "what the hell is going on with this girl?" LOL. After the hysteroscopy she asked me whether any of my family members has arthritis and since my mom has osteoarthritis she ordered another round of bloodwork to see if I have any autoimmune disease and some other tests that she had to refer to in her big book of all the blood tests in the world. I think I must have done every blood test known to man for infertility. And guess what? All the tests came back negative. LOL! I'm laughing but weeping inside mind you. Seriously though, what the hell is going on here?

She asked us that since all is clear whether we would like to do our FET #1 during the next cycle. Had a quick discussion with DH and we decided to wait until we come back from our holiday in October. Plus our doctor will be on pilgrimage leave in October and I would really hate for her not to be around during my treatment. I mean come on, what other REs have you text her on anything that you're concerned with while on treatment? So we'll wait, most probably for my November cycle. That leaves me plenty of time to enjoy Eid, spending months leading to October planning for my big holiday with DH and my little sister, and enjoying it in October. We're in no hurry for now. Them embabies will still be throwing each other snowballs in the freezer when we get back from our holiday. And while we wait for November to come, I'm on aspirin to think my blood. Doctor's orders. Just when I think I'm done with meds for now. 

A friend sent me this and it really tickled me LOL! 

In other news, apparently someone thinks I don't have kids because I don't want them. Well, that's a first. I wonder where she got that idea from? Maybe I should show her all our hospital bills from 2007 through 2014 *blink blink*

Right then. I'm heading off to bed. I'm back at work after my two week medical leave and I had at least twelve things on my to do list at the office today. And so far I have only ticked off two. I'm already so tired thinking about what's waiting for me at the office tomorrow LOL. And I have to wake up at 5 am to prepare for sahur. By the way, how's everyone's Ramadhan so far? Good? Alhamdulillah. 

Have a good week ahead my chickadees!

Polyp? Autoimmune disease? What?

So I had my hysteroscopy on Thursday evening and my RE found that everything is A-ok. Surprise surprise. I think she's a a bit at loss as to how to fix me. She did find a small polyp though, removed it and sent it to the lab for testing. She also asked if anyone in my family has a history of arthritis and I told her no. She seemed a bit concerned about arthritis which made me concerned. As soon as she stepped out of the room I remembered that my mom had her kneecaps replaced due to osteoarthritis. I texted her and told her but have not received a reply yet. Oh well. My next appointment is next Friday. We'll see what she says and we'll go from there, yes? And hopefully the small polyp is nothing to worry about.

And here's DH exhausted keeping me company at the hospital after a day's work. Poor guy. Too bad the hospital didn't have single rooms available or he could have spent the night in my room :(

In other news, me being stubborn went to the gym this morning and joined the body step class. Told a white lie to DH and fold him that I walked on the treadmill. And whaddaya know, when I came home this evening I started bleeding again. So ladies, lesson number one, no exercise so soon after a hysteroscopy procedure. Lesson number two, never ever tell a white to your husband. Ever.

Also, do people who just had babies only ever talk about their babies in conversations? Must learn to tune this out. I have enough heartaches to last me a lifetime. Yes, this is the bitter me speaking. La di da.

Well, hope you guys had a great weekend!

I'm Pissed

So earlier this week a friend from school texted me out of the blue. After exchanging pleasantries she suddenly asked me how infertility affects my marriage. I told her that Alhamdulillah DH has been very supportive. In fact he was the one who suggested we get checked up 7 years ago.

And then my friend told me that she's also TTC and it's put a strain on her marriage. She said that her husband, like her wants a baby but he doesn't want to get himself checked out, nor does he want to have anything to do with getting treatment from an RE. Now wouldn't that just annoy you? I was downright pissed! Of course I didn't tell her about my feelings and just listened as she poured her heart out. The poor girl really wants to get help and yet she feels so utterly helpless. I suggested that she go see my awesome RE and get herself checked first. And then go home and talk to her husband and persuade him to do the same. Sometimes men just need a little push eh?

I guess I'm really lucky that DH is my biggest cheerleader in our TTC journey. He's never missed an appointment, always been there with me everytime I get my blood tested and keeps me company when I have to stay overnight at the hospital, no matter how uncomfortable the bed is. I'm not saying that a husband has to do all these, but just show support damn it! Your wife is trying to have a baby and it's your damn baby too!

I could tell from the tone of the texts that my friend was on the verge of crying. Maybe she already did and it was so heartbreaking. And it bummed me that I couldn't help her except refer her to my RE and to listen as she told her story. 

I wish there was more awareness about infertility so people know that they can get help. And speaking of, I really wanted to go a fertility forum at Pantai Hospital this morning which my RE is the presenter. I think these forums is a good place to start if you are hesitant to see a doctor for a check up. Know about infertility and find out how the doctor can help. Knowledge is key, people. And guys, if you can't show support for your wives, let me know. I have my fist ready to punch you in the face. 

Hello Friends!

Hello friends! First of all, thank you so much for your prayers and kind notes. They got me through the BFN. Speaking of BFN, I've been a real busy bee since we got the test result. Not only busy with trying again but also busy with doing my own stuff which is long overdue. First I got a haircut and put highlights to cover up my mushrooming white hair. They're horrendous! The white hair, not the highlights hehe. Then I registered with a gym and have been going three times so far. And I'm loving it! I've forgotten how good it feels to really sweat. Plus I need to lose 6kg and I need to start training for the Standard Chartered marathon in October. Thank goodness I don't mind working out. And I'm thinking of getting hubs to register at the gym too. We'll see how well that turns out hehe.

I also made a new TTC friend! While I was doing IVF #3 all we've ever done was text each other and since IVF #3 didn't work out, we arranged to meet a couple of weeks ago. And she's lovely!! So glad for the day that she first sent me an e-mail saying hello :)

Speaking of TTC, I've also been seeing the RE to follow up on our next plan. We did a whole bunch of blood tests, some of them I couldn't even pronounce. We haven't gotten the results yet though. The RE has also arranged me to do a hysteroscopy next week, so it looks like I'm gonna have to spend a couple of nights again at the hospital. Oh well. Whatever it takes to find out what's wrong with me right? 

So that's what's up with me. How are you guys doing? :)

Nada

So beta was this morning and as expected it was negative. In fact it was <2. It was pretty embarrassing really. I felt like failing an exam and I have never failed an exam in all my life. Well except for add math in Form Four but that was forgivable :P Expected because I've been testing from 6dpt until this morning and all of them were negative. DH couldn't understand why I kept testing every morning and not wait for beta. I told him that it was for my own sanity LOL. And I'm glad I did coz I wasn't taken by surprise when Dr told me the result. She immediately put a plan into action, which is why we adore her. The plan is to do a full antibody blood work this Thursday, see her next week and to do another hysteroscopy surgery in June. That's another two holes in my tummy to add to the existing four. I haven't even given birth and I have multiple scars on my tummy. Oh well, scars tell stories, don't they? Dr Adilah refused to do FET until she finds out what's wrong since my embryos, ovaries and uterus are all fine, which we are okay with. We'd rather find out and fix what's wrong than waste our embabies in a rush for FET.

So this is another test that He has thrown our way, one that we will persevere to overcome, or at least try to. Do I feel sad? Damn right I do. But I'm not giving up. If Dr Adilah is not giving up, we're not giving up. We are lucky that we have four embabies on ice. We are lucky that we have her as our RE. We are lucky that we still have money set aside to do FET this year. We are lucky to have each other.

We're going out to watch X-men in a bit. I'm going out for lunch with a newly made friend tomorrow (can't wait for this), and then go shopping to drown my sorrows. 

And then we'll try again. 

C.O.N.S.T.I.P.A.T.E.D

My God have I been constipated since ER. It was just so awful I don't even know how to explain. Bottom line, I haven't been able to "go" since ER. Disgusting I know. I don't know if it's the anesthetic gas or the drugs that I've been taking, but it's gotten so bad that my tummy was in pain. I mentioned about it to the doctor and she said it could be a symptom of OHSS. Crap. Although I don't think it is coz I haven't gained any significant weight not have my abdominal girth expanded significantly. I know coz I've been weighing and measuring myself everyday as instructed by the doctor. Anyway, I told the doctor about it again this morning and she told me to take Duphalac. And whaddaya know, two hours after taking 15ml of Duphalac I cleared my bowel. Hooray!

Also, I've been texting the doctor about my daily fluid intake and urine output. Again, disgusting I know. Even writing about it makes me cringe. I'm supposed to take a minimum of 2L of fluid a day, and can I just say that right now, I can't even look at a glass of water without wanting to throw up. And speaking of throwing up, you guessed it. I threw up every day for the last two days. 

I'm not complaining but this is way harder than my last two IVFs. But I'm taking all this in my stride. Hopefully this is a sign that I'm responding to the treatment. 

Tomorrow is ET day and I still haven't packed my bag. I just finished doing my office work to make my colleagues' jobs easier in my absence. I'm supposed to call the clinic first tomorrow before coming over. ET is at 3 pm do my guess is that they don't want me to waste my time by coming early. But as usual, we IVF patients are all kinds of crazy. When I got the call from the nurse telling me to call the clinic first, my brain started telling me that maybe there's something wrong. Maybe the embies haven't grown to the point that they could be transferred. Crazy right?

Anyway, I gotta get my things ready for tomorrow. Talk to you guys soon. Hope you had a lovely weekend :)

Embabies!

So Wednesday was ER day. This time the doctor put me under general anesthetic which meant that I had to stay at the hospital a little bit longer. I won't bore you with details of the hospital stay. I will say that we managed to get 13 eggs! We could've gotten more except that I started bleeding so 13 was what we had. Came back home late in the evening with my body feeling like it had been run over by a bus. 

We went back to the hospital this morning for a follow up and out of 13 eggs, 7 of them became mature. Yay! Alhamdulillah. The doctor said that she will only transfer one in and the rest will be frozen, and we're fine with that. I'm not hoping for multiples, although that would be great. What I want is a good embryo to be transferred in that will grow into a beautiful baby InsyaAllah. 

So on Monday I'll have to be admitted to stay for 2 nights or so and for ET. I love that the doctor insists on me being admitted so that she can monitor my progress. Sure we're paying a lot more for this treatment this time, but we feel like we're being really looked after.

I brought home work to finish off this weekend so that come Monday I can rest and relax the entire 3 weeks that the doctor has given me MC.

So here's to hoping that everything goes well on Monday InsyaAllah.

Have a good weekend everyone!

Three Things

9 a.m: One spot of brown discharge

2 p.m: Collected these from the nurse *faint*

7.30 p.m: texted RE. Will most probably start stims on Sunday. 

I need to lie down and take this all in.

D for Determination

So since I had some bleeding last Saturday, the doctor told us to come in to the clinic yesterday for a scan. So we did and met the transvaginal wand. Everything looked okay. My uterus showed that AF will be coming real soon and she predicted to come tomorrow, which woul make our plan right in track. There was a small 3cm cyst though on my right ovary but she didn't think it was a cause for concern. If my period comes tomorrow then I will start taking my stims on Monday and ER will be on 14/5. Wow. This is really happening people! I cannot bloody wait. 

In other news, we got back my vitamin D blood test and thyroid result and...drum roll please! My result came back at 175 which was really good! Even the doctor was pleasantly surprised and even told us that it's very rare that her patients show her this kind of result *pattting myself on the back* Looks like religiously taking my multivitamins is paying off. Thank you Blackmore multivitamins. You may test awful but damn you're good! This time around I'm being very diligent in taking my supplements. Every little thing helps right? And I'm very determined to do every thing I can to make this cycle work. 

I'm supposed to collect my stims tomorrow and my next appointment is on 10/5. I feel good about this. InsyaAllah this is it. 

Happy Labour Day friends!