Yesterday was my first day back at work after the miscarriage. I have to admit, it was tough. There were times especially in the morning, when I couldn't stop tears from falling (while I'm drafting agreement I might add). I was chatting with my buttcheek who's now 4 weeks pregnant from her first IVF. I've been avoiding talking to any of my buttcheeks coz I was still hurting. I still am. But I just needed to know that she's doing okay. It was probably a mistake coz she was talking about already being nauseous. I felt sad for me when I heard that. I would give anything to feel a smidgen of nausea. I have never in both my pregnancies felt that. Maybe that's why I feel that my pregnancies were doomed from the start. For me, nausea = pregnant. I know it's silly coz not everyone will experience it, but for me it's a confirmation that you are pregnant. So yeah, it was a bit depressing talking to her.
I'm better today I think. I haven't cried yet and I don't plan to. Not if I can help it. Despite my anger, I know deep down that this is just a hurdle in my life that I have get through. I don't know what the future holds for me. I know that there will be bad days when I think about all that I've lost, but there will also be good days. I have an awesome husband, a great family and wonderful friends. I still hold myself back with a few of my friends. I know they mean well when they keep asking me if I'm okay. Obviously I'm not, but I will be. Some days I feel as if I'm the strongest person I know, that I can bounce back from this. Other days I feel so depressed it suffocates me.
I don't need people to tell me to be patient and be strong. I don't need people to tell me that they understand what I'm going through. For me, unless you've been through multiple losses after struggling with infertility for so many years, you don't get to tell me that you understand how I feel or what I'm going through. I think I respond better with laughter. DH, my colleagues at the office and my friend in Singapore whom I speak to on a daily basis keep me laughing. Thank God for that coz I think that's what gets me through the day.
It's almost the end of the day at the office. DH will pick me up in half hour. Another day gone and a brand new day will come tomorrow. I survived yesterday and today, and I will survive tomorrow.