Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Game Over

Saw the doctor this morning. Not Prof Hashim though. Apparently he's out of the country. Just as well. If it were Prof I think I might just break down and cry in front if him.

Anyway, so I told the other doctor (Dr Mohan) about the dark brown discharge. He looked hopeful that it wasn't fresh blood that I almost felt sorry for him. With all due respect doc, I've been through this before. I know what a miscarriage looks like. I know the difference between AF and a miscarriage bleeding. You don't see tissue that might have been your embryo sliding out of your body when AF comes for a visit. Apparently my uterus lining is perfect. My problem is the quality of my embryos. I had one grade 1 (blast) and three grade 3 embryos for this cycle. He'd like to see a lot more grade 1 embryos. Yes doc, you and me both. Still being hopeful he ordered a scan for me. After waiting for almost an hour for the scan we were called in. The nurse looked at my chart and asked me if there was bleeding. I told her that I've been having dark brown discharges since last Wednesday. She then took a look at my vajayjay and at that very moment, fresh blood decided to come out. Nice. Obviously we couldn't do a vaginal scan so she scanned my tummy. After five minutes she told me there's nothing there. Hooya! Tell me something I don't already know please.

Then I was called back in to see Dr Mohan and Dr. Natasha. This time it was Dr. Natasha who explained to me on the next move. I really wish that they'd stick to assigning just one doctor for me. Anyway, she repeated that the scan showed nothing (duh). She said she will change my protocol and prescribe Gonal F for the next round. I was trying to hold back my tears and I managed to do so until she told me to be patient and that we will try again after Raya. I swear I couldn't get out of the room fast enough. I quickly mumbled "thanks" and practically fled the room. I told DH that I needed some air and went out. That was when the tears started to fall. Seriously, does this have to be more painful than it already is? I commend my BBC friends, Princess, Melissa, Mandy and all the other fighters for having the courage to go through multiple losses and still forge on, but at that moment I felt as if I had no more strength in me left. DH showed me the protocol paper and what was written on top of the sheet of paper was "cycle No. 3". How depressing is that?

When DH came to get me he told me that he already booked an appointment with Prof on June 7. Again, with all due respect to Dr Mohan and Dr Natasha, it's not that I don't trust their judgement, but I trust Prof's more. So we're going in to see him to ask him if he agrees with the new protocol, and if that is his recommendation, we will try again after Eid, or until I'm strong enough emotionally to go through this again.

I'm at home now, sitting in front of the telly, watching MTV as I type this (and alternating between doing office work). I decided against going to the office today coz the slightest thing could make me burst into tears. Plus I have a headache (yo Paracetemol, why aren't you working yet?) Some of my buttcheeks have sent me whatsapp messages to ask me how I'm doing. I've been ignoring their messages. I just need to be alone. For now.

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