I can't think of a title to this post. There are so many emotions I'm feeling right now. Angry. Sad. Bitterness. Frustration. It started on Wednesday afternoon when I went to the toilet just before leaving the office for the day and saw brownish stain on my pants. Surprisingly, I remember being quite calm when I saw it and simply went down to the lobby where DH was waiting for me. I calmly told him what happened and sent a text to Prof to tell him and to ask him what to do. He told me that he feared that I was miscarrying. I wanted to go to the hospital and do a scan but figured that if I was meant to miscarry, there was nothing a scan could do, and decided to wait till Tuesday for our appointment with Prof.
That night I couldn't hold it in any longer and cried. It was painful to know that I was losing another baby. It was even more painful to see DH cry when he saw that I was in pain. He held me the entire time and we both talked it through, what we're gonna do if it really was a miscarriage, what our next plan is, whether DH should re-marry (this came from me and DH warned me not to even think about it). His main concern was that it's my body. I'm the one who have to go through the shots, take the hormone pills, feel the loss when I miscarry. So I told him that I want to take some time off. Probably we'll go to Mekah for our umrah first. Or we could wait till after Eid to start again.
I also told DH that I need the Prof to tell me what to do to make the baby stick. I know that these things are beyond anybody's control, but he's a specialist damn it and he should be able to tell me what went wrong and what he plans to do with me next. I also told DH that I will not accept "I do not know what went wrong" and I will not accept going through the same protocol again. Something has got to change and Prof has to figure it out. We also talked about getting a second opinion, but that means going to a private hospital, which then means that we will have to fork out at least RM10,000 more.
I pulled a sickie and took Thursday and Friday off and got some bed rest. At the back of my mind, I was still hopeful that this could probably mean implantation bleeding or that it was old blood. At times I felt positive that it was nothing to be worried about. There wasn't much discharge anyway. Just small streaks which didn't even fill my pantyliner.
And then this afternoon I started cramping. And then came the blood. And I knew it was over. Now every time I look at the stain I would break down and cry. Sometimes I feel that God is playing a cruel joke on me, although it's not even remotely funny. Yes I'm sad. But I'm even more angry. I'm angry with my body for not being able to sustain a pregnancy. I'm angry that God keeps doing this to me.
They say that God will not test a person who cannot handle His tests. Well, guess what? I cannot handle it anymore. Enough is enough. There is so much crap that one person can handle. Two miscarriages in six months. That's gotta be a record.
I also found out today that one of my buttcheeks got her positive beta today. It's her first beta and it's 246. 246 on her first IVF! I'm so happy for her coz I know that like me, she's struggling with infertility, but I can't help but feel sad for myself.
It's not fair. It's just not.