The Long Weekend

So here's what happened over the weekend:

Saturday, 26 November 2011
DH decided to take me away to a hotel in a city for the weekend. I loved the idea. Two days and one night of hanging out in a fancy hotel room and sleeping on a bed so comfortable you never want to wake up. Who wouldn't love the idea? So we packed our bags and headed to the city.

The hotel was nice enough but it was under renovation do there was a lot of noise during the day from the construction work. But the bed and pillows were awesome so I didn't complain. We forgot to pack socks in our suitcase so DH made a pair using the hotel bathroom hand towels. It was really sweet of him to do that.

The hotel room. Nice eh?

That night we went to a friend's house for her daughter's birthday party. I like to think of them as my second family. Apart from my own family and buttcheeks, they are always there for me and DH. The theme was anything Mickey Mouse and I enjoyed myself. I laughed a lot, something that I thought I would never do after the miscarriage. My friend's mum, Aunty Yam and her friend Aunty Nonie gave me some advice on how to take care of myself and I took them to heart.

Me as Minnie Mouse. That's DH grinning at the back

We spent the night at the hotel. A lot of snuggling and cuddling with DH and for the first time since the miscarriage happened, I felt okay.

Sunday, 27 November 2011

DH's dad and stepmom came to KL and they were supposed to have lunch together with DH's sister and her family. I told DH that I wasn't ready to see them and he understood. I was grateful that he didn't push me to come along.

Monday, 28 November 2011


It was a public holiday so went to The Gardens Mall to get my wheatgrass, barley grass and chlorella supplement. A friend of mine said that they were good to cleanse the body and that a few months after she started taking them, she conceived and carried the baby full term after miscarrying a few months before. I figured it was worth a shot but damn! Those things are expensive! We spent RM259 for the whole package. DH fixed me a concoction of the wheatgrass, barley grass and chlorella and my first thought on taking the first sip was that it tasted like the seaweed in a sushi restaurant. It was bearable though it took me a while to get everything down my throat. Please please let this work.

I felt like a scientist mixing the powder to make the concoction

Then we went to the Big Bad Wolf Aftermath Sale (coz one can never have enough books). Bought 10 book for RM50 and got one free. Was that a really good deal or what? All in all it was quite a good weekend. Just what I needed before I start work again. Nt sure how I'm gonna handle work after all that happened so we'll see. Till the next update, be well peeps!

I really need a new bookcase. Fast!

It's Funny. Only It's Not

Isn't it funny that just when you're starting to get used to tell yourself that you're pregnant, getting used to the feel of the word "pregnant" rolling in your mouth, you miscarry. Wait that's not funny. At all. Sometimes I feel like the whole universe is against me and my uterus. Just when I think that I've come to terms with losing my baby, I fall apart all over again. It's depressing. I'm depressed. There. I said it. I'm depressed and angry.

You know the five stages of grief? I think I'm going through depression and anger simultaneously. Most of the time I feel like punching someone in the face. Anybody will do at this point. And in super clingy. I can't have DH out of my sight or I'll freak out. I wonder how I will do when I start working next week. And that's another thing. I don't think I can take it if anyone asks me how I'm doing. I think I'll fall apart. I don't have an answer to that question. But we'll cross the bridge when we get there.

DH and I will be going away this weekend. He's taking me to a nice hotel in the city. No chance of doing the BD coz I'm still bleeding but at least I get to spend time with him and only him. For now it's all I ever need. I know that deep inside I'm a strong person but I want to grieve. I want to be sad for the baby that we lost. And I'm doing my grieving on my own terms.

This Is Gonna Be A Long One

So I started having brown discharges on Saturday and thought nothing of it coz I wasn't cramping or anything. But the next day there was more discharge so I told DH that I needed to go to the ER to get it checked out. I was freaking out by that time. I specifically asked for one particular obgyn whom I know to be very good. I was told that I was to be admitted while waiting for him. We didn't have to wait long when we were called to see Dr. Ashar. I've heard a lot about this guy and he's supposed to be one of the best. He asked for my history and after telling him about the IVF treatment he told me to lie down for a scan. He confirmed what I already knew, that my gestational sac was too small for a six week pregnancy. When he pulled out the transvaginal wand I could see blood. He seemed unfazed. He asked me to do a beta test to see if my number goes up and sent us back to my room. Another prick of needle on my left arm and a vial of blood later, there was nothing I could do but wait for the result the next day.

I told my buttcheeks except for one what happened and they came to visit. I was torn between telling them and keeping it quiet. I knew that as soon as I saw them I would cry. I was right. As soon as I saw their faces I started crying. I didn't tell my other buttcheek, Bella, coz I knew that she was doing her own IVF treatment this month and I didn't want to worry her. It was a difficult choice to make coz I really needed her with me but at that time I thought it was probably for the best. I did tell her eventually.

The next day came with more bad news. My beta went down to 140. My embaby was definitely not growing. And when I went to the toilet something came out. TMI I know. But I think it was my embaby. I knew that it was over then but my doctor told me to wait for the next beta result. I was ready to go home then. The hospital room made me even more depressed but the doc told me to stay another night. DH, bless him, decided to take me home for a while before going back to the hospital for another night.

Early the next morning the nurse came to draw more blood. The result came a few hours later. The doc delivered the news. My beta went down to 59. That was it. No more baby. I held it it when he told me the news but as soon as he left I started crying.

One of my buttcheeks, Taka came to bring me food despite my insistence that she didn't have to. I started sobbing when I saw her. She cried with me. After that there was nothing left to do but go home.

I think despite our loss, DH and I are lucky. We have each other. We love each other. After six years of marriage we're still in love with each other. And if you look at it from another perspective, the IVF worked. The embaby implanted. Perhaps my body wasn't quite ready to accept it. But we decided that whenever I'm ready we'll try again. InsyaAllah Feb/March next year. There are a lot of things I will do differently next time. More bedrest. More time off from work. More healthy food. More us time with DH.

I've been crying since the weekend and DH lets me. He tells me its okay to grieve. He grieves too. DH keeps telling me that God will not test anybody who can't take it. We're tested because we're special. I believe him. I called my buttcheek, Bella to break the news to her last night. We both cried. And at one point we both laughed. I love you Bella.

I'm grateful that I have DH, my parents and family, my buttcheeks, my friends and my Babycenter IVF buddies for their support. I'm staying positive. I still cry but I know that one day InsyaAllah we will have our beautiful babies.

I Have Decided...

...that anybody who tells me I'm not pregnant will get their asses kicked. Sure my gestational sac may be small and my hcg level is pretty low but there's an embryo in my uterus and I have faith that my embaby will grow into a healthy baby.

Just because my hcg is low does not mean that it's bad. 82.7 means that I'm pregnant and I'm holding in to that. We went to MAC again this morning to give my blood sample for another beta test. I know that it will increase. I just know it. We're not giving up. Not in a million years. InsyaAllah everything will be okay. Amiiinn

Update - What did I tell you? My baby is a fighter. My beta went up from 82.7 to 182.9. I don't know whether that number is ok for this stage but I'm still so relieved. It means that my baby is growing. I'm praying and hoping that the number will keep increasing. Prof did not tell me to do another test so I guess we'll just have to wait till my appointment on the 29th. Boo. In the meantime I'll have to continue with my daily intake of Duphaston and my twice weekly progesterone shots. To be honest, I don't really mind the pain of having a needle up my ass twice a week. All I want is a healthy baby. InsyaAllah me and DH will have our miracle baby. I've also decided to leave my lilypie ticker for the time being coz right now, I'm not sure how far along I am. I have a suspicion that on the day of the ET my embabies have not finished splitting cells which makes the calculation of the due date a bit weird. I hope that Prof will have me do another scan on the 29th. I really want to see my baby's growth and I know he will. He has DH's strength. I'm not worried. I have faith in all three of us :)

Letter To Baby

Dear baby,

Me and your Daddy went to the clinic yesterday to see you for the first time. We saw a very tiny you but the doctor was concerned that you were a wee bit too small. So please grow baby. Mama promise to eat healthily and listen to Daddy no matter how bossy he is, but you have to grow (your Daddy is very bossy by the way Just a little head's up to you). Mama will do whatever it takes to keep you. Mama and Daddy have been waiting for you for six years and we can't wait to see you in eight months. Be healthy and hang in there okay. And that's an order. Or you're grounded.

Love,

Your Mama

Today Sucks

You've seen in the movies when a girl gets called to her boss's room and she is excited coz she thinks that she might get a raise or a promotion only to be told that she's fired. That's kind of how I felt this morning. Today was my appointment day with Prof Hashim. We went early and were the first one there. The nurse asked me if I had my period and I told her no. So she said that I was to do an ultrasound to see my gestational sac. Since it was better to do a transvaginal ultrasound with a full bladder I thought we should have breakfast first. All that time I was fidgety and couldn't wait for the scan. After breakfast we went straight to the ultrasound waiting room and a few minutes later my name was called. I was told to lie down so they could do an abdominal scan first. I was excited. And then I saw the frowns. I should have known that the frowns on the nurse's first meant something. And the fact that she actually had to call the Doctor Mac was a cause for concern for me. I asked her what was wrong and she said that she couldn't really see my sac. Then she said that she would do a transvaginal scan to see better. So I was poked and prodded and saw more frowns on the faces of the nurse and Doctor Mac. Doctor Mac then called DH and showed him the screen. Apparently there was one gestational sac but it was small which was a cause for concern for him and that I probably would have to do a HCG blood test to confirm that I was really pregnant. At that time I felt as if the world collapsed on my shoulder. Here I was hoping to see my embabies for the first time only to be told that my sac was too small. He then told us to wait until I was called.

More waiting. More peeing. More reading the book that I brought. I had a suspicion that Prof Hashim was not around coz I could see a lot of newbie doctors walking around the clinic so I told Wan to check with the nurse if the Prof was around to see me. True enough he was in Kota Bharu. When I was finally called to see the doctor, it was Doctor Mac and another doctor dude I didn't know who saw me. I was already upset that Prof was not there to explain to me the result of my scan, but what was I to do? Doc Mac repeated his finding, that my sac was a bit small and filled in a form for me to do a bloodtest. He said that I could call tomorrow to get the result. At that point I was already numb with fear and disappointment. All I could do was nod and bite my lips. I was scratching the edge of the doctor's table so much that I think I left a dent. DH asked if it was normal for the sac to be small at this stage and Doc Mac said that it happens sometimes. That it takes a while for the embryo to grow full swing but the fact that I had not gotten my period and that there was no bleeding was a good sign. And then he went on to say that if my HCG level is high there's a good chance that my pregnancy would be okay but if it's too low the pregnancy may not be a viable one. At that point I was ready to burst into tears. I think I would feel so much better if Prof was there. And I didn't like the other doctor dude. Doc Mac then set my appointment in two weeks to see my progress.

While waiting to do my blood test I glanced at DH and saw the worry in his face. Although he didn't say it, I knew that he was scared too. I could feel myself ready to cry so I told him I was going to the loo. Once I got there I cried my eyes out. I felt so angry and frustrated but I knew that there was no one I could blame. My buttcheeks gave me comforting and encouraging words which only made me cry harder. I had done all I could. I followed the doctor's orders to the T. I stayed away from spicy food. I didn't know what else to do. Once I calmed myself down I returned to the clinic and gave my blood for the blood test. And then there was nothing we could do but leave.

I was crying the whole ride home. DH told me to stay positive. He believes that everything is going to be okay. I wish I had some of his confidence. I know that it was too early to give up but sometimes giving up is all I want to do. This has been a very emotional journey and to be told to wait some more frustrates me beyond belief. I guess I should take down my lilypie sticker until I'm sure that I'm pregnant. There's no point of it being up there when the doctor could tell me zilch.

We'll see what happens tomorrow brings. Until then I think I'll just crawl into bed and sleep until the morning comes.

I'm Lucky

Some people dream of being treated like a princess by their husbands. Alhamdulillah I'm living that dream. DH has been wonderful throughout this whole procedure. True he could be a drill sergeant most of the time, watching me like a hawk to see what I'm eating and what I'm doing, but he really is a wonderful man. He has taken up most if the housework especially cooking and cleaning and for that I am truly grateful. I know being pregnant does not exempt me from doing my wifely duties but I'm glad he loves me that much to not let me strain myself too much.

I was talking to my embies last night and I told them how wonderful their daddy is and how great a dad he will make and how I can't wait for them to see him. I never thought in a million years that I would be lucky enough to blessed with DH. My parents have a less than perfect marriage and that scares me sometimes. But DH proved to be, well no words can describe him actually.

I hope to see my embabies for the first time tomorrow. I have this irrational fear that although I tested positive four times I could be not pregnant. I guess if I can actually see them on the scan it will be more real to me. It still feels surreal to even say it in my head that I'm pregnant. I don't think this state euphoria mixed with disbelief is gonna end until I give birth and I'm pretty sure it will continue once I have my baby(ies) in my arms. And I'm thankful that DH will be by my side the whole time.

Why Don't I Feel Different?

According to my calculation, my "non-confirmed pregnancy" should be in its 5th week. So why don't I feel different? Well except for my bulging tummy but I credit that to my huge appetite which then credit to my hormone pill popping self. Oh and my sore boobies. Why don't I feel nauseous at all? Isn't this supposed to be my best friend? Okay, that's a pretty creepy toilet bowl. Also kinda cool hehehe...

Other than the smell of a neighbour making Maggi at the condo a few days ago which made me gag a bit, that was it. See this is why I still cannot believe that I'm pregnant. I don't feel pregnant at all? Should I be worried about this? A friend of mine who just found out that she is 4 weeks pregnant tweets about her loss of appetite and craving for certain food. Me? Nada. Except for when DH forgot to get my Rocky biscuits and I bawled like a baby last week. Does that count? It's frustrating when you're pregnant for the first time and there's no one you can ask because you still want to keep it a secret until you've reached the first trimester hurdle.

Anyway, since I've been feeling hungry almost all the time (another pregnancy symptom?) and have been snacking on unhealthy food to satisfy my hunger (read nasi lemak at 5 pm), I decided to switch to the healthy way and made my own snack box last night for today. Looks yummy enough to eat? I hope so :) I'm gonna try to make this my snacking habit from now on.

Okay I'd better get back to my mountain of work to do before my boss screams bloody murder down my neck. Oh ok so he never does that but hey, I can be dramatic if I want to, can't I?

An Emotional Journey

My buttcheek's IVF date is drawing near and understandably she's very concerned about a lot of things. Plus she has PCOS which is a cause for concern. Apparently my problem was only my blocked tubes and even that gave me a lot to worry about. I suppose it's only natural when you know that there's nothing much you can do except for pray for the best.

There are no words that I can say to make her feel reassured. I can only speak from my experience and truth be told it was a very emotional journey to get to where I am now. The amount of tears that I've cried during this whole journey is unbelievable. And not to mention the waiting. It seems that you have to wait for everything. For the follicles to grow. For the follicles to mature. For the ER. For the ET. The dreaded two week wait. The appointment with the doctor. I didn't know until now the level of patience that I have in me. My hope for my buttcheek is that she will have a smooth IVF journey and I pray that she will have a happy outcome InsyaAllah.

Smug IVFer

So I was watching The latest episode of Private Practice, the one where Addison is going for IVF with a sperm donor and I must say that it annoyed the heck out of me. There was a scene which showed Dr. What's-His-Face (Julia Robert's ex-boyfriend) scanning her for her follicle count and two minutes after that he said he was ready to extract the eggs. WTF? Is there an IVF marvel that I don't know about? That you can jump straight from follicle counting to ER?

And then it hit me. I'm becoming a smug IVFer. Smack me please. I made a vow with myself that I'm not gonna be one of those "smuggers". Smug married woman. Smug pregnant woman. Smug mother. Who knew that I'm becoming a smug IVFer. Dang! I guess I'm gonna have to bite my lips when I watch the next episode, but please Shonda, do your research first before you put pen to paper.

Eid Al-Adha

Yesterday we celebrated Eid and since DH doesn't want me to travel, we celebrated in Kajang. One of the perks of carrying embryos in my tummy :P Mama made pulut and bought lemang but I was a bit hesitant to have some. Some people say I shouldn't have pulut at this early stage and I prefer to be safe than sorry.

We went to visit Eon's family in Langat. They're like me and DH's adopted family and the minute I told Eon and her sister Kak Inn that I'm pregnant the tears started to follow. In that moment I realized how many people have been wishing and hoping for this miracle to happen and I'm truly blessed to have all these people in my life.

I couldn't ask for more this Eid except for my embryos to keep growing and keep holding on. We still have a long way to go. 244 days according to Baby Center :D I have a feeling that we're gonna see more than one sac next week at out appointment but I could be wrong. Even if there is only one I am thankful to the Almighty for this blessing. Salam Eid Al-Adha everybody!

Because I Am A Little Bit Insane

I took another HPT, this time a digital one and this is what I saw. I swear it's one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. Alhamdulillah :)

15dp5dt - An Update

So I took a HPT on Wednesday just for fun and whaddaya know, there was a very very faint positive line. Squint and you'll miss it. But then again I took it at night after I've chugged down copious amount of water and food. So I decided to take the test again the next morning and whaddaya know, this time the sign was clearer. DH was obviously ecstatic although he tried not to show it. I think he was more nervous about the test than I was. Funnily enough, I was very calm about the whole thing. I have imagined this scene so many times and being calm was never one of them. I blame it on being let down so many times before.

And then because we were still doubtful whether this is real or not we did the test again this morning. And holey cow! The positive sign was clear as day! Alhamdulillah. I think DH finally allowed himself to believe it and he broke down in tears. It was such an overwhelming experience coz we've waited so long for this. We kept checking back just to see the positive sign coz we've never seen it before!

I told three of my buttcheeks (heck I couldn't keep something this big a secret for long from them). It felt so surreal telling them I'm now pregnant. I still can't believe it. I told my mom and she gave me a list of things to eat/not to eat. Typical mom. Little sister practically screamed in my ears when I told her and big sis was ecstatic. I'm still very cautious since this is the first trimester. Plus until I see Prof Hashim on the 15th I'm treating this as an "unconfirmed pregnancy". I still talk to my tummy all the time, telling my babies to be strong and that Mama and Daddy can't wait to see them in 9 months.

Some people at the office have commented that I look pregnant coz of my bulging tummy. I'm not sure if it's because I've been eating like there's no tomorrow or if it's because of my babies. I choose to believe it's the latter.

One of my buttcheeks will be doing IVF this month and I'm praying that it will work out for her too InsyaAllah. Wouldn't it be great if we were to have kids together and our kids can be buttcheeks to? :) I went out for dinner with them justnow and oh my gosh I was exhausted by the time I got home. I think walking very slowly is taking a lot of my energy. I don't think I can do this again anytime soon.

Here's a picture of the latest test. I think I'm gonna do another one tomorrow. I'm insane, I know :P