Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Disconnected

I don't know if it's a normal phase for a "miscarrier" to go through, but sometimes I feel disconnected from the people that I were close to before the miscarriage. I think this stems from my disappointment that the people who I love and trust let me down so bad during this cycle that I now view our friendship differently. It also could be that they have kids or are pregnant that I feel that I'm the odd one out. Maybe the fault also lies with me.

I was invited to join my close friends for lunch this Saturday and I declined, telling them I'm not ready to face them and that I might cry when I look at their faces. While all this is true, what I didn't tell them is that I already feel disconnected. All of a sudden, I feel like we don't have anything in common anymore. I'm afraid that if I do go out with them, I will be the silent one with nothing to say, while the rest talk about what's going on in their lives, their kids and their pregnancies. I feel like I don't belong anymore. Maybe this is my sadness and disappointment talking, but it is what it is.

I love my friends, I really do but maybe being disconnected is what I need to put things into perspective. I need to focus on me, DH and our journey towards having our own baby. I need to focus on what's important in my own life. I need to be selfish. After all that I have been through, I think I have the right to, don't I?

This is part of the beauty of literature. You discover that your longings are universal longings, that you're not lonely and isolated from anyone. You belong.

Do I really belong?
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3 comments:

  1. UnknownJune 14, 2012 at 11:00 AM

    Forgive me if i say this the wrong way, but don't put yourself down for feeling that way. If I were in your place most probably i'd be doing the same thing. Cuma, don't forget that they are your friends, and will forever be yours whether you realize it or not. I think they will understand, tp jangan la nampak sgt mcm you are avoiding them. If tak boleh face to face, then maybe a telephone call will do.
    Whatever it is, you are in charge of your own life.. so do whatever you want that can make you become stronger again to face all this..
    Sorry kalau i salah cakap ya..

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    Replies
    1. A Few Good EggsJune 14, 2012 at 11:17 AM

      Tu la, I think this is just my sadness talking. I think I just need time to get past all this. Thanks Ninie :)

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  2. AnonymousJune 18, 2012 at 7:31 AM

    I totally understand how you feel, coz I'm feeling the same thing~

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