I Will Survive

Yesterday was my first day back at work after the miscarriage. I have to admit, it was tough. There were times especially in the morning, when I couldn't stop tears from falling (while I'm drafting agreement I might add). I was chatting with my buttcheek who's now 4 weeks pregnant from her first IVF. I've been avoiding talking to any of my buttcheeks coz I was still hurting. I still am. But I just needed to know that she's doing okay. It was probably a mistake coz she was talking about already being nauseous. I felt sad for me when I heard that. I would give anything to feel a smidgen of nausea. I have never in both my pregnancies felt that. Maybe that's why I feel that my pregnancies were doomed from the start. For me, nausea = pregnant. I know it's silly coz not everyone will experience it, but for me it's a confirmation that you are pregnant. So yeah, it was a bit depressing talking to her.

I'm better today I think. I haven't cried yet and I don't plan to. Not if I can help it. Despite my anger, I know deep down that this is just a hurdle in my life that I have get through. I don't know what the future holds for me. I know that there will be bad days when I think about all that I've lost, but there will also be good days. I have an awesome husband, a great family and wonderful friends. I still hold myself back with a few of my friends. I know they mean well when they keep asking me if I'm okay. Obviously I'm not, but I will be. Some days I feel as if I'm the strongest person I know, that I can bounce back from this. Other days I feel so depressed it suffocates me.

I don't need people to tell me to be patient and be strong. I don't need people to tell me that they understand what I'm going through. For me, unless you've been through multiple losses after struggling with infertility for so many years, you don't get to tell me that you understand how I feel or what I'm going through. I think I respond better with laughter. DH, my colleagues at the office and my friend in Singapore whom I speak to on a daily basis keep me laughing. Thank God for that coz I think that's what gets me through the day.

It's almost the end of the day at the office. DH will pick me up in half hour. Another day gone and a brand new day will come tomorrow. I survived yesterday and today, and I will survive tomorrow.

Wordless Wednesday

Game Over

Saw the doctor this morning. Not Prof Hashim though. Apparently he's out of the country. Just as well. If it were Prof I think I might just break down and cry in front if him.

Anyway, so I told the other doctor (Dr Mohan) about the dark brown discharge. He looked hopeful that it wasn't fresh blood that I almost felt sorry for him. With all due respect doc, I've been through this before. I know what a miscarriage looks like. I know the difference between AF and a miscarriage bleeding. You don't see tissue that might have been your embryo sliding out of your body when AF comes for a visit. Apparently my uterus lining is perfect. My problem is the quality of my embryos. I had one grade 1 (blast) and three grade 3 embryos for this cycle. He'd like to see a lot more grade 1 embryos. Yes doc, you and me both. Still being hopeful he ordered a scan for me. After waiting for almost an hour for the scan we were called in. The nurse looked at my chart and asked me if there was bleeding. I told her that I've been having dark brown discharges since last Wednesday. She then took a look at my vajayjay and at that very moment, fresh blood decided to come out. Nice. Obviously we couldn't do a vaginal scan so she scanned my tummy. After five minutes she told me there's nothing there. Hooya! Tell me something I don't already know please.

Then I was called back in to see Dr Mohan and Dr. Natasha. This time it was Dr. Natasha who explained to me on the next move. I really wish that they'd stick to assigning just one doctor for me. Anyway, she repeated that the scan showed nothing (duh). She said she will change my protocol and prescribe Gonal F for the next round. I was trying to hold back my tears and I managed to do so until she told me to be patient and that we will try again after Raya. I swear I couldn't get out of the room fast enough. I quickly mumbled "thanks" and practically fled the room. I told DH that I needed some air and went out. That was when the tears started to fall. Seriously, does this have to be more painful than it already is? I commend my BBC friends, Princess, Melissa, Mandy and all the other fighters for having the courage to go through multiple losses and still forge on, but at that moment I felt as if I had no more strength in me left. DH showed me the protocol paper and what was written on top of the sheet of paper was "cycle No. 3". How depressing is that?

When DH came to get me he told me that he already booked an appointment with Prof on June 7. Again, with all due respect to Dr Mohan and Dr Natasha, it's not that I don't trust their judgement, but I trust Prof's more. So we're going in to see him to ask him if he agrees with the new protocol, and if that is his recommendation, we will try again after Eid, or until I'm strong enough emotionally to go through this again.

I'm at home now, sitting in front of the telly, watching MTV as I type this (and alternating between doing office work). I decided against going to the office today coz the slightest thing could make me burst into tears. Plus I have a headache (yo Paracetemol, why aren't you working yet?) Some of my buttcheeks have sent me whatsapp messages to ask me how I'm doing. I've been ignoring their messages. I just need to be alone. For now.

Untitled

I can't think of a title to this post. There are so many emotions I'm feeling right now. Angry. Sad. Bitterness. Frustration. It started on Wednesday afternoon when I went to the toilet just before leaving the office for the day and saw brownish stain on my pants. Surprisingly, I remember being quite calm when I saw it and simply went down to the lobby where DH was waiting for me. I calmly told him what happened and sent a text to Prof to tell him and to ask him what to do. He told me that he feared that I was miscarrying. I wanted to go to the hospital and do a scan but figured that if I was meant to miscarry, there was nothing a scan could do, and decided to wait till Tuesday for our appointment with Prof.

That night I couldn't hold it in any longer and cried. It was painful to know that I was losing another baby. It was even more painful to see DH cry when he saw that I was in pain. He held me the entire time and we both talked it through, what we're gonna do if it really was a miscarriage, what our next plan is, whether DH should re-marry (this came from me and DH warned me not to even think about it). His main concern was that it's my body. I'm the one who have to go through the shots, take the hormone pills, feel the loss when I miscarry. So I told him that I want to take some time off. Probably we'll go to Mekah for our umrah first. Or we could wait till after Eid to start again.

I also told DH that I need the Prof to tell me what to do to make the baby stick. I know that these things are beyond anybody's control, but he's a specialist damn it and he should be able to tell me what went wrong and what he plans to do with me next. I also told DH that I will not accept "I do not know what went wrong" and I will not accept going through the same protocol again. Something has got to change and Prof has to figure it out. We also talked about getting a second opinion, but that means going to a private hospital, which then means that we will have to fork out at least RM10,000 more.

I pulled a sickie and took Thursday and Friday off and got some bed rest. At the back of my mind, I was still hopeful that this could probably mean implantation bleeding or that it was old blood. At times I felt positive that it was nothing to be worried about. There wasn't much discharge anyway. Just small streaks which didn't even fill my pantyliner.

And then this afternoon I started cramping. And then came the blood. And I knew it was over. Now every time I look at the stain I would break down and cry. Sometimes I feel that God is playing a cruel joke on me, although it's not even remotely funny. Yes I'm sad. But I'm even more angry. I'm angry with my body for not being able to sustain a pregnancy. I'm angry that God keeps doing this to me.

They say that God will not test a person who cannot handle His tests. Well, guess what? I cannot handle it anymore. Enough is enough. There is so much crap that one person can handle. Two miscarriages in six months. That's gotta be a record.

I also found out today that one of my buttcheeks got her positive beta today. It's her first beta and it's 246. 246 on her first IVF! I'm so happy for her coz I know that like me, she's struggling with infertility, but I can't help but feel sad for myself.

It's not fair. It's just not.

A Night For Celebration

So tomorrow I'm gonna start work again after a three week break. I'm not sure how I'm gonna handle the pressure at work but InsyaAllah I'll manage. Tonight I took DH out for dinner, in celebration of the wonderful human being that he is. No, it's not his birthday and it's not our anniversary. I just feel so grateful for having him in my life and for taking care of me during our IVF journey. I sometimes forget that I'm not the only going through this. Any good news is our good news to share. And any bad news is our bad news to mourn.

So to celebrate this wonderful man who holds my hand when we sleep, we went out for dinner at a Thai restaurant, Sri Ayutthaya. I have to say that I have a hate relationship with rice at the moment. I can't seem to stomach more than five mouthfuls but for DH, I made an exception tonight. We ordered the chicken soup with coconut milk (yummy), steamed fish (yummy) and petai (stinky beans) with prawns (yummy). I'm so glad DH enjoyed dinner. We both did actually. Although I didn't eat much of the rice, but I devoured the rest.

 My handsome soulmate 

 Stinky beans with prawns

Chicken soup with coconut milk

I swear I took a photo of the steamed fish but it seems to be missing from my phone. Oh well. We certainly had fun tonight. The food was awesome. Thanks Idrina for the recommendation!

Anyway, tonight is for DH. I know that from hereon, whatever happens, good or bad, I will always have him by my side. Alhamdulillah.

Much love,

First Nosebleed

I had my first nosebleed this morning. Although I know that nosebleeds is a pregnancy symptom, I'm not too excited about it. I had nosebleeds everyday during IVF #1 and look how well that turned out. AF still hasn't showed so that counts for something. Right now I'm just taking it one day at a time. I figured that if I'm meant to be pregnant, I'll be pregnant.

I asked DH the other night that if I couldn't have babies at all, would he be alright with it, and his answer gave me goosebumps. He said, "we have each other, and that's enough." Aaaand cue the waterworks. It's so like DH to say that and make me feel better and warm all over.

So this week is my last week at home. I'm gonna start work next week after a three week break. I can't say I'm excited about it. I'm definitely not excited about dealing with difficult people at the office. I'm pretty comfortable with my routine now:

6.45 a.m - get up for prayers. And then go back to sleep
8.00 a.m - get up for my pills. Breakfast and see DH off to work. And then go back to sleep
11.00 a.m - shower. Prepare lunch (if I'm up to it)
12.00 p.m - 5.30 p.m - catch up on TV shows until DH gets back from work. Prayer in between.

DH won't' let me do any house work while I'm on this break, so I've really been a lady of leisure. Now you see why I'm not too excited about going back to work. Must.get.myself.mentally.prepared.for.next.week. Oh well, I'll do that on Sunday. Right now, I'm gonna continue snuggling under my blanket.

Much love,

It's Happening Again

My beta #2 result came back today. I was expecting it to be in the region of 300 and above but it came back at 24, down from 55. At this point in time I don't know what to feel. I'm preparing myself for the worse. Surprisingly I didn't cry. I don't know whether I'm in shock or I'm probably on the verge of a nervous breakdown (highly likely). Maybe I have no more tears left in me to cry anymore. I know one thing. If this cycle doesn't work out, I'm done. I'm done with the needles, I'm done with the ER, the ET, the hope that I'm finally gonna have a successful pregnancy. I might change my mind a few months down the line, but right now I'm done. Too much money spent, too much expectation, too many tears, too many bloods drawn and I'm done.

DH texted Prof to ask him what this means. Prof replied by saying that if the number goes down, it's normally not a good sign (big surprise here) but he has asked me to continue with the medication and shots and just wait for the ultrasound on the 29th. Am I still hopeful? Maybe just a little bit. As long as AF doesn't show up, I'll consider myself pregnant. But right now I'm thinking it's a chemical pregnancy, which is even worse coz it means that it's over before it even begins. AF is not due till tomorrow so we shall see. But like I said, if it does show up, I'm done. For now.

This sucks.

Last Night

I dreamed about my old school, BBGS a.k.a Bukit Bintang Girls School a.k.a the best school in the world. I don't what made me dream of it but it was like I was back in school, walking along the pathway from the gym to the labs. I can still remember where every room in the school were. The libraries (yes we had two. The bigger one for the seniors and the smaller one for the juniors), the teachers' room, the prefects' room, the science labs, the art rooms, my own classrooms from Form 1 to Form 5. I still remember the school moto. Nisi Dominus Frustra. Without God all is in vain. Very apt indeed and it's something I hold on to, especially now.

BBGS 20 years ago

What's become of BBGS now

It really is a shame that my future kids will not be able to go to my old school. They can't anyway. The school is long gone. What is in its place is a big modern shopping mall. I don't know what to make of this dream. Could it be that I worry about which school my kids will be going to? My fear for the education system that pales in comparison to what I had 20 years ago? Whatever it is, I think it is wise not to dwell too much on what our dreams mean. It still doesn't make it less fun to chronicle it though. Especially after my dream of my school last night, the face of my childhood crush appeared LOL. I wonder what happened to him. Maybe I should look him up on Facebook. Hmmm...

Anyway, it's 12dp5dt today. We've decided to wait till tomorrow to do our beta #2. I'll be going to a seminar that my parent company is organizing, and after two weeks of being at home and on the bed, it will be good to go out and see the world again. I'm really hoping for good numbers tomorrow. Wish me luck!

In other news, I now have an aversion towards rice. The mere thought of eating those white grains turn me off. Now what do I do? And my b***bs are starting to hurt, a pain which I welcome. Come to think of it, I welcome every ache, every pain, every nausea and every morning sickness (I haven't had any yet, though). Bring it on!! After all it's nothing I can't take after 7 years of TTC, right?

Much love,

Weird Dreams

So I haven't had a dreamless night in over a week. I can't remember what those dreams were about but the one I had last night and the night before? Those I remember and they were weird. Really weird. The previous night I dreamed I was in a car driving along a road I didn't recognize and then a faceless woman with long hair rode past me on a bicycle. Freaky right?

And then last night I had the weirdest dream ever. I dreamed that my aunt asked me to squeeze milk out of a goat (what?) so I went outside and put a bottle underneath the goat and milk came out! (what??) And then all of a sudden I was searching for a pair of shoes in my shoe box and I couldn't find it and I was so frustrated that I cried. The next thing I knew DH shook my shoulder to wake me up coz I was crying in my sleep. What the???

I've read that having dreams at night is one of pregnancy symptoms. Really? Hahahah. I think I should chronicle my dreams in this blog. Sounds like a fun thing to do. Although a bit creepy LOL.

Ok I'm gonna get back to watching the finale of The Amazing Race. The racers had to play a game in Japan called "Bring The Chicken Home." What??? Hahahah!!

Much love,
XOX

First Beta

And it's 55! I'm not even sure why I put an exclamation mark there since I don't know what to make of the number. I was actually hoping for at 100 but hey, at least it's a confirmed pregnancy. Alhamdulillah. I have scoured the internet for beta reading indicator after DH told me the result and it looks like I'm in the normal range, bearing in mind that today is only 9dp5dt. According to a website that I found, here's what the range looks like:

hCG Levels

Days from LMP	Weeksfrom LMP	Events	Avg hCG mIU/ml	Range hCG mIU/ml
26	3w+5d		25	0-50
27	3w+6d		50	25-100
28	4w+0d	Missed period	75	50-100
29	4w+1d		150	100-200
30	4w+2d		300	200-400
31	4w+3d		700	400-1,000
32	4w+4d		1,710	1,050-2,800
33	4w+5d		2,320	1,440-3,760
34	4w+6d		3,100	1,940-4,980
35	5w+0d		4,090	2,580-6,530
36	5 1/7		5,340	3,400-8,450
37	5 2/7		6,880	4,420-10,810
38	5 3/7	yolk sac appears	8,770	5,680-13,660
39	5 4/7	yolk sac appears	11,040	7,220-17,050
40	5 5/7	yolk sac appears	13,730	9,050-21,040
41	5 6/7	yolk sac appears	15,300	10,140-23,340
42	6	heartbeat appears	16,870	11,230-25,640
43	6 1/7	heartbeat appears	20,480	13,750-30,880
44	6 2/7	heartbeat appears	24,560	16,650-36,750
45	6 3/7	embryo appears	29,110	19,910-43,220
46	6 4/7	embryo appears	34,100	25,530-50,210
47	6 5/7	embryo appears	39,460	27,470-57,640
48	6 6/7	embryo appears	45,120	31,700-65,380
49	7		50,970	36,130-73,280
50	7 1/7		56,900	40,700-81,150
51	7 2/7		62,760	45,300-88,790
52	7 3/7		68,390	49,810-95,990
53	7 4/7		73,640	54,120-102,540
54	7 5/7		78,350	58,200-108,230
55	7 6/7		82,370	61,640-112,870
56	8		85,560	64,600-116,310

* data taken from Babymed website

If calculating from LMP which was on 16/4, I'm at 3w+4d from LMP, and this website says that at at 3w+5d from LMP, the range is 0-50, so I'm good right? Right? Sigh...this is all so confusing. Anyhow, I texted Prof just now to tell him the result and I asked him if the number was ok and he didn't seem too concerned but he did tell me to do another blood test on Monday. Hopefully the number will rise. I'm hopeful that it will InsyaAllah.

In other news, I received my first blog award! Thanks Mel for the "One Lovely Blog Award"!

So here's what I gotta do:

1. Share who gave it to you with a link back to their blog.
2. Write down seven random facts about yourself.
3. Give this award to fifteen other bloggers.
4. Let them know they've won.
5. Pop the award on your blog.

Seven random facts about me. Let's see:

1. I had a cat called Schumi (after Michael Schumacher the F1) driver
2. I'm a gadget girl. I love love love gadgets.
3. I have a scar on my forehead from an accident when I was a kid.
4. My favorite subject in high school was English Literature.
5. When I was a kid, I wanted to be a judge when I grow up.
6. I'm a size 10. I used to be either 6 or 8 two years ago. Boo.
7. My favorite color is purple.

The blogs I'm awarding this to are:
1. Just A Little Off Kilter
2. Intrinsically Me
3. The Ryan Report
4. Storm In My Teacup
5. A Reason To Stay Alive
6. The Two Week Wait
7. My Lazy Ovaries

Errr...ok so I don't have 15 blogs. Will 7 do? :P

Much love,
xoxo

It's 8dp5dt...

And we have a BFP ladies and gentlemen!! We thought of waiting till Friday to poas but I was too impatient so we did it last night. Yup, that's how impatient I was that I tested at 11 p.m. What? I couldn't wait till the morning? Apparently not hehe. So here's what the tests look like, clear as day. Yes. Tests.

7dp5dt at 11 p.m

8dp5dt at 7.30 a.m.

I am so grateful for this second chance Alhamdulillah. I'm allowing myself to be a bit excited about this. I remember last time I saw a positive mark on a test I was like "meh" because I thought it was too good to be true (and it was). But this time is different. InsyaAllah I will carry my baby(ies) to term. We're going in for our beta test tomorrow. I need to pick up my meds anyway. I'm really hoping for the beta test to read at least 100 (it was 78 the first cycle) and maybe go for another test on Monday. Prof does not make it compulsory for us to do the test but I want to. And then we go again on the 29th for my scan. I'm terrified about this actually but I'm keeping positive.

To those who read my blog, please keep this quiet (I'm that delusional to think that I have many loyal readers :P). So far I have only told three of my best friends and of course my BBC girlfriends. One of my best friends reaction when I whatsapp-ed her went like this:

"OMG OMG OMG OMG OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG"

Not even my family knows about this. And those who know me on a personal basis (I'm looking at you, office colleagues) please do not ask me about this when I come back to work in one and a half week. I prefer to pretend that this is my little secret. 

So here's to hopefully 9 months of bun(s) in the oven. I would really appreciate your prayers. Will update more soon. I'm gonna get back to watching Friends rerun now. 

Much love,

xoxo

What To Eat & What Not To Eat

Today is 6dp5dt and I'm in bed looking out the window at the world outside. Gosh it's been so long since I've been out. Except for my pregnyl jabs every Tuesday and Friday at the nearby clinic, my perimeter is limited to the front door of my house. I've been craving for a lot of things lately, most of them involving chili/spicy food. I'm not that naive to think that it's probably because I'm probably pregnant. It's most probably because I've been on a strict diet since the ET. You know what they say, you always want what you can't have.

I've been staying away from spicy food, fermented food and junk food. So basically what I eat every day is bread, rice with dull side dishes like fish in soy sauce (ikan masak kicap) and soups. I really don't know how much more of this I can take but I'm not complaining. Yet.

So Prof told me that he doesn't think I should be on any diet but the nurses seem to think that it's best to stay away from the food listed above. Me? I don't know what to think. Part of me think that there's no way eating fish in soy sauce every day is a balanced diet but then again, we've been trying so hard to be pregnant that it probably doesn't hurt to listen to the nurses.

I'm just wondering if it's maybe our culture to be on a strict diet. The kind that you adhere to right after you give birth. What are the things that you ladies stay away from after the ET? Maybe you can help me out here while I dream about having a steak sandwich with spicy samba on the side. Nope. Not weird at all :P

Sidenote: I decided to change things up a bit with my font. Do you like it? Does it make you dizzy? Do I change it back? Let me know what you think :)

Much love,
xoxo

I Think I'm Paranoid

Ok remember in my last post I mentioned that I was having cramps? I thought that was a good thing coz that means something is going on inside my tummy. But what about the absence of cramps? They have simply disappeared. Is that a bad sign? I broke a promise to myself and scoured the Internet for answers and most of the sites I found tell me that people who don't get cramps get BFN. And now I'm paranoid. Help!!!

Aaaaaaand They're In!

Yup my embies are safely inside. We went to the clinic pretty early and we had to wait for 2 hours for the Prof to be ready for us. And then we had to wait for a bit longer for the embryologist to do assisted hatching on the embies. When I walked into the procedure room I kinda panicked a little bit when I didn't see Prof anywhere. Instead there was another doctor. I asked the nurse where Prof was and she told me that he was doing an IUI procedure in the next room. A few minutes later he showed up. I swear to God I wanted to jump up from the stirrup and give him a big hug (if that weren't so inappropriate :P)

They called DH in and Prof explained that all four embies would be transferred. Three embies were pretty slow growing but the other one was already at the blastocyst stage, or as Prof put it, it was almost human hahaha. He was really happy with that one. And then he showed us all four embies on the screen, and all of them were beautiful. He then shooed DH out and told me to lie down and get comfortable on the stirrup. In a few minutes it was over. He seemed pleased and gave me a screenshot of the embies.

See that dot with the circle in pen? Those are my embies. So now I'm officially PUPO!! It turned out that we didn't have to decide on how many embies to be transferred coz Prof made the decision for us. I don't want to think about what happens if all embies turn out ok and I'm pregnant with multiples. If that is the gift that God is giving me, then I'll take it. He said that I can already do my beta next Wednesday which is really fast. I suppose coz one of my embies is already a blastocyst. Plus with the assisted hatching and all that jazz. But I think I'm gonna hold out until 9dpt. 

So now I'm lying in bed with all my provisions within reach. My Mac, my books, biscuits (I get hungry a lot) and my meds. I'm not missing the office one bit, although every now and then I do check my office e-mails, much to DH's annoyance. What can I say? I like to think I'm a responsible employee :P

I don't remember from the last ET whether I had cramps on my lower abdomen, but I do have them now. I'm not sure if that's a good sign or not. I like to think that it is. What do you think?