Lightbulb Moment

I'm a planner. I like to plan ahead. When it comes to holidays I'll be the one preparing the itinerary six months before the actual holiday. So naturally when it comes to IVF #3, I want to make sure that everything is in order. When I had some spotting on Saturday it kind of threw me out of whack. I wasn't expecting AF to arrive till end of the month. Plus the Dr had instructions on the stim meds that we need to get and we haven't gotten them yet. And so I got a bit flustered.

When I told DH about the stims he told me to ask the Dr whether we should get them now or wait. So I asked and she said to get them now. And even then DH was hesitant to get them and told me to wait for the scan on Wednesday. By this time I was getting really annoyed. I didn't want to wait till AF arrives in full flow to get the stims. I really don't want to rush this. So I told him fine, if he wasn't going to call the nurse to order the stims I'll do it myself. Seeing that he had already pissed me off I think he felt a little guilty so he called the nurse. While he was talking to the nurse to place our order it suddenly dawned on me why he was hesitant to get the stims. He was actually hoping that I'd get pregnant naturally! I wanted to laugh but didn't have the heart to. Knowing my past and my inability to conceive (come on, we've been trying for a baby for 9 friggin' years) I really didn't think that it's possible. 

He told me that the nurse will call him on Friday to confirm our order. I think he was a bit relieved coz that would mean that we will getting the stims only after my scan LOL. 

So anyway we'll be going to the clinic this Wednesday just to make sure that everything is ok, and I guess we'll go from there. 

Have a great week, friends!

Confusion

So yesterday while I was getting ready to hit the road with my mom to Melaka for a weekend with my cousins, I skipped to the loo and almost immediately saw that I had some spotting. Predictably I panicked coz my period wasn't due till end of the month and Dr Adilah is still out of the country. I left the piece of paper with the list of questions that I was supposed to ask her when AF comes at home so DH had to go home and snap a picture of the list and send it to me. So I asked her if I should stop my meds and whether we're still on schedule for a scan on 10/5. A couple of hours later she texted me back and told me to come in next Wednesday for a scan, earlier than planned. Sigh...so much for being a veteran at IVF. No matter how many times you do this, there will still be uncertainties. The stopping has since stopped which adds to my confusion. Toilet paper wipe shows zero stain. What the hell is going on? I'll just have to wait for Wednesday for answers. Ho hum.

In other news, my super cute vein is giving me and the nurses problems again. Because my veins are super small and I had to draw some blood last Friday for a vitamin D and thyroid test, the nurse poked me twice to find my vein and guess what? They couldn't find it! So they had to resort to using a butterfly needle. Fun stuff!

I'm back at mom and dad's place from my Melaka trip, sans DH. I'm now waiting for him to pick him up. Missing him terribly too. We are seldom apart. To be honest I can count with my fingers the number of times that we were apart. Le sigh...

Anyway, I'm gonna take a nap while waiting for him. Hope you guys had a good weekend!

Of Blood Test and the TTC Community

This is my RE. She's awesome. She appeared on the telly on Monday to talk about infertility and what couples can do to have babies of their own. At the end of the segment when she was asked what advice would she give to hopeful couples, one of the things she said was "don't give up". I like that. I know that that that's what we have to do, to not give up. But it's comforting to hear her say it.

On Monday I got a text from her asking me to come into the clinic to do a vitamin D blood test. I like that knowing that she's not even in the country right now, she still takes time to communicate with her patients. I adore this lady. So on Friday DH and I are gonna pop into the lab for a blood test. Needles and blood. Fun stuff!

A couple of days ago I received an e-mail from a stranger telling me that she read my blog and that our TTC journey are almost the same. But when she told me about her TTC journey, there was nothing similar about them at all. Sure I failed my two IVFs but this girl lost her baby at 21 weeks. My goodness. My heart broke reading about it and I could feel my eyes welling with tears. She was telling me how strong I am going through this long and uncertain journey. But seriously, my strength is nothing compared to hers. Sometimes I forget that in my heartbreak, that there are people who's had it worse than me. I wish you well for your third IVF my new friend. You know who you are.

I wrote a couple of times about how important my BBC friends are to me in this journey. Like any other support groups, the TTC community is awesome. I know how hard it is to talk about your TTC journey with close friends and even families. Heck, I only tell my friends and family of this third IVF on a need to know basis only. Sometimes you can't get the support you need from friends and families. Sometimes it's easier to talk strangers. They give you a different perspective and keep things in check for you, which is what I like. How I stayed strong after my two failed IVFs was largely because of my BBC friends and I'm forever grateful to them.

So for those who are in this journey, I encourage you to find a group or community that you are comfortable with and hop on board. You'll be pleasantly surprised. Or if you are not comfortable with that, I'll be happy to talk to you (if you need someone to talk to). To be honest, I'm a bit dismayed that where I live, infertility is not advocated enough, unlike in the US. It's a shame really, because infertility is a medical disease and people need to be more aware and talk about it. So, if you need someone to talk to, just e-mail me ok? You are not alone.

Have a good week everyone!

And the Waiting Game Begins

So normally when this happens, my crazy self will rummage through my drawer looking for that HPT, hoping against hope that this time two blue lines will magically appear. Alas, this isn't the case this month. Knowing my inability to conceive on my own and the fact that Dr Adilah prescribed Norcolut to suppress my period this month, I knew that I would be wasting my time. 

So, this Norcolut stuff is really messed up, huh? I've been taking it for a couple of weeks now and I think my body is super confused. AF was supposed to come two days ago (see picture) and it didn't. I think my body is thinking "what the hell is going on here???" I have cramps, not unlike period cramps but so far I haven't had any emotional outbursts thank God. The good doctor has timed AF to come end of the month, just in time for her to be back from Germany so I'm just waiting for that to happen. And that's when all the fun starts. Bring on the needle I say! Fun stuff. Fun fun stuff *crying inside*

Have a good weekend everyone!

Tick Tick Ticker

Hello friends! So in the last post I mentioned that Dr Adilah questioned whether I was really pregnant during my two IVFs, and what she said really stuck in my head until today. It made me doubt my "pregnancies". Because of that doubt and because we're now moving towards our third IVF, I have taken down the two baby tickers from this blog. It took me a while to gather up the courage to take them down. I guess I was afraid that I would forget. Sure I doubted whether I was pregnant or not but I didn't want to forget that it may have happened. Does that make sense? Anyway, when I finally did find the courage and clicked the "remove" button, I felt a semblance of peace. I can now look ahead and look forward to this third IVF and the only ticker I want to put up on this blog for now is the ticker to countdown the days till DH and I will get to hold our baby (or babies) in our arms. 

Speaking of third IVF, I cannot wait to start. I can't say whether I have good vibes about this yet, but at least we're on that road of trying again. Plus I'm looking forward to staying at home for a couple weeks without thinking about work LOL. 

And that's all folks! Have a great day (or what's left of it)

Information Overload

So DH and I just came out from Dr. Adilah's clinic and wow, was there a lot of information to be processed. We got our IVF schedule, but not before she studied our file from our HUKM days. A bit troubling actually coz she wasn't too happy with our previous protocols at HUKM. Timing was all wrong with our OPU and procedures and all that. And biggest news of the day. Drumroll please! I might not have even been pregnant the last 2 IVFs! Because of the high dosage of hcg that the previous doctor prescribed, it could have been a false positive. Thinking back it makes sense coz when I had my first "miscarriage" Dr Asha didn't find any gestational sac when he scanned me. Hmmm...

Anyway, those are in the past. Moving forward, I'm on track for IVF in May. Because Dr Adilah will be going to Germany end of this month, she wants to prolong my cycle so that AF will come just before she comes back from Germany. She and I both agree that we want her to be involved in this IVF from start to finish. No stand in for me. I'm a bit worried that my AF will be pushed back. Me and suppressed AF don't get along LOL. She gave us a list of meds to get and the schedule, plus her contact details for me to contact her as soon as AF comes to schedule my stims intake. I've got a whole list of stuns to take this time around. Fun stuff!

Hey ho let's go!

Because Dr Adilah is very thorough with her work we are hoping that InsyaAllah this will work for us. She's even keeping aside our file to study as she thinks our case is very "interesting" LOL. And she's only a whatsapp away if we ever need anything. Have I mentioned that we absolutely love her? Yes we do! 

Well, I gotta get back to the office. Dang that was a long appointment! I'm exhausted!

Have a good week!

IVF #3: Day 1

So today I start taking Pyrogynova to relax my uterus. Tomorrow is our second appointment date with Dr. Adilah. I'm not sure what to expect tomorrow. I think she wants to do another scan to make sure that everything is ok before I start taking injections. We're taking it slow this time and keeping it under wraps except for a few people whom I've told, so we'll see how that plays out. 

This afternoon I went out for lunch with my buttcheeks and can I just say that it felt weird sitting there among my closest friends. It was like there was a wall separating us and I didn't know what to talk about with them anymore except for the normal pleasantries. And when they start talking about their bundles of joy I felt lost, like I didn't belong. Maybe it's all in my head. Maybe I need to get used to the fact that I'm the odd one out now. Maybe.

Anyway, I should turn in early to get ready for our appointment tomorrow. Goodnight and have a great week ahead!