Wednesday, July 17, 2013

I Cried. So What?

I haven't cried in the toilet for a long while now, not since IVF #2 ended with a miscarriage, but this morning I gave in to my emotions. I cried when I found out my BFF is pregnant via IVF #2. Don't get me wrong. I'm over the moon for her. But I'm also sad for me. So I cried because of my failed IUI. I cried because of a yet another broken dream of me becoming a mother. I cried because a meeting I had this morning went badly. I cried because a twat told me to adopt because that will guarantee me being pregnant. I cried because a blogger I follow had a chemical pregnancy at 4 weeks. I cried reading encouraging words from my friends. I cried because sometimes I feel unappreciated as a friend (a simple "how are you" goes a long way). I cried because I'm grateful for my friends who do appreciate and care for me.

I must have stayed in the toilet for a good 20 minutes sobbing and crying my heart out. Did I feel better after that? A little bit. But the sadness and pain are still there. They will always be there. And that "why me?" question will always be lingering in my head. I've carried that sadness with me for 8 years and I will continue to carry it until the day God decides that I've been sad long enough. 

One of my BBC friends told me today that "God is still perfecting all the right parts and making sure everything is right. When it's ready He will ship the most beautiful baby to us when the time is ideal." Another BBC friend said, "it takes an incredible person to go through what we've been through and to keep going." Those beautiful words brought tears to my eyes. So I thank you Princess and Mandy for reminding me of this and of what I'm fighting for. 

And my best friend's text telling me that "God will never break his promise, so long as we keep praying and hoping" had me bawling.

But I am incredible and I am strong. Sometimes I forget that. Sometimes I need to be reminded. So I will not give up, and I will not lose hope. I will however have a mini Magnum and a bar of chocolate for dinner and a cuddle with DH for dessert tonight.


  1. Omg, sending you oooodles of more hugs!!!!


    1. I'll take 'em Princess! Thanks sweetie :D