Of Being Sad and Coping

Yesterday, on my way to work, a good friend of mine texted me and told me that she needed to tell me something. In my heart I already knew what she was going to say. That she was pregnant. Again, while I'm over the moon about her being pregnant, I was extremely sad for me. I told her truthfully that I was crying while we were texting and she understood. Knowing my fertility struggles, she also understood how difficult it would be for me if she announced it to our group of friends, so she decided to tell me personally first. At that moment, I felt such gratitude for this friend thinking about how considerate she was.

I've been having my "alone time" lately after I found out about my BFN. I didn't feel like socializing much. While I know that it's not healthy, I've also been staying away from my closest friends. Our daily conversations will be peppered with stories about babies and pregnancies, and I cannot deal with that right now. It's something that I need to do. Do I miss them? Sure I do. But I miss my old self more. And I want to be my old self again. I want to be happy and to be ready for our next IVF. I think I deserve to be selfish once in a while, for me and DH's sake. Speaking of DH, since he was next to me when my friend texted me, I asked him if guys are affected by pregnancy announcements too? He told me that he does get affected, although he doesn't show it, most probably because he doesn't want me to be more sad that I already am by those announcements. And that made me sad. Most of the time we tend to feel that all these struggles are mostly about us, the wives, and we sometimes forget that our husbands are in the same position as we are.

And speaking of being sad, I recently read Imam Khalid Latif's article in Huffington Post. Reading it felt like such a comfort to me. In his article he says that there is nothing wrong about being sad. It's what makes us human. Even the Prophet pbuh shed tears upon the death of his son, Ibrahim. I'll leave you with a quote from the article.

"I don't think being sad is necessarily an indication of one's faith, especially not a weakness of it" ~ Imam Khalid Latif

Have a good day!

Shine On

Thank you so much Melissa for nominating me for the Shine On Award. So apparently there are rules to follow when you are nominated.

Rules:

1. Display the award logo on you blog
2. Link back to the person who nominated you
3. State 7 things about yourself
4. Nominate 15 other bloggers for this award and link to them

So, 7 boring things about myself LOL:

1. I am a Sagittarius
2. I'm a lawyer but my dream is to open a cozy cafe bookshop
3. I love going for runs to clear my head and to think
4. I'm a kid at heart. I love to watch cartoons. My favourites include Kim Possible and Totally Spies. And has anyone seen Despicable Me 2? Aren't the minions adorable? :D
5. I love to read books. Before I start reading a new book, I always sniff the pages first
6. I'm a couch potato
7. I'm not a crier but when I do cry, I do it alone. Don't want anyone to see snot running down my face, eh? :P

I nominate these awesome bloggers (not quite 15 :P):

1. http://chroniclesoftheconceptionallychallenged.wordpress.com/

2. http://foxinthehenhouse.wordpress.com/

3. http://matasipit.blogspot.com/

4. http://janetoffkilter.blogspot.com/

5. http://onemunchkin.blogspot.com/

6. http://nowandevermore.wordpress.com/

7. http://stupidstork.blogspot.com/

8. http://the2weekwait.blogspot.com/

9. http://ryanbreport.blogspot.com/

10. http://whoshotdownmystork.blogspot.com/

11. http://damnthatstork.blogspot.com/

I Cried. So What?

I haven't cried in the toilet for a long while now, not since IVF #2 ended with a miscarriage, but this morning I gave in to my emotions. I cried when I found out my BFF is pregnant via IVF #2. Don't get me wrong. I'm over the moon for her. But I'm also sad for me. So I cried because of my failed IUI. I cried because of a yet another broken dream of me becoming a mother. I cried because a meeting I had this morning went badly. I cried because a twat told me to adopt because that will guarantee me being pregnant. I cried because a blogger I follow had a chemical pregnancy at 4 weeks. I cried reading encouraging words from my friends. I cried because sometimes I feel unappreciated as a friend (a simple "how are you" goes a long way). I cried because I'm grateful for my friends who do appreciate and care for me.

I must have stayed in the toilet for a good 20 minutes sobbing and crying my heart out. Did I feel better after that? A little bit. But the sadness and pain are still there. They will always be there. And that "why me?" question will always be lingering in my head. I've carried that sadness with me for 8 years and I will continue to carry it until the day God decides that I've been sad long enough. 

One of my BBC friends told me today that "God is still perfecting all the right parts and making sure everything is right. When it's ready He will ship the most beautiful baby to us when the time is ideal." Another BBC friend said, "it takes an incredible person to go through what we've been through and to keep going." Those beautiful words brought tears to my eyes. So I thank you Princess and Mandy for reminding me of this and of what I'm fighting for. 

And my best friend's text telling me that "God will never break his promise, so long as we keep praying and hoping" had me bawling.

But I am incredible and I am strong. Sometimes I forget that. Sometimes I need to be reminded. So I will not give up, and I will not lose hope. I will however have a mini Magnum and a bar of chocolate for dinner and a cuddle with DH for dessert tonight.

I Need To Vent

You know what bums me out? People's lack of empathy. And when people who are closest to you let you down? It sucks, and it hurts. I remember after my second IVF ended in a miscarriage, a friend told me to take a few days to to grieve and them move on. I'm sorry. What the bloody f***? Who the hell is she to tell me how long to grieve? Grieving is a process. You don't just snap out of it and "move on" in just a few days. I had a baby inside of me for 6 weeks and that baby died, and you're telling me to grieve for a few days? And when my recent IUI failed and I told a couple of friends that I'm taking a break from treatment and will be going to Japan in November, they told me that they're jealous about my trip. Ermmm...hello? My beta came back negative and you're jealous that I'm going to Japan? Again, what the bloody f***? What about me being jealous of you guys who have kids/pregnant? I get that maybe they mean well, but seriously folks, a little tact is much appreciated.

I can't begin to tell you how upset am I of this. I'm already beginning to feel distant and disconnected from the people I'm close to. Maybe it's just me being overly insensitive. Maybe I'm being a bit selfish in thinking that my feelings matter. But that's me. People who know me know how much I want a baby, how much I crave being a mom. A little support (with the right words) is all I'm asking for. I'm particularly sad about all this because I like to think that I'm a good friend. When my friends need encouragement, I try to be there on the sidelines cheering them on with imaginary pom-poms. One of my buttcheeks is currently pregnant via IVF #2, although it hurts me like crazy (we went for treatment at almost the same time), I am genuinely happy for her.

It's funny that at times like this, I find myself turning to strangers. Well, not exactly strangers, just people I know but have never met. I turn to my Babycenter friends for support, and they have been incredible. I cannot even begin to tell them how much their support means to me. I also turn to my Twitter friends, whom also I have never met. Their sense of humor gets me through days when I feel like banging my head against the wall.

So to my friends who have been there for me, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. If I could give each and every one of a you a hug, I would. To those who haven't, I hope that time will heal all wounds. I really do love you guys, but for now it hurts too much.

Boo

Went to the hospital yesterday for my beta. It was a BFN. I don't know how much more of this I can take. Have I mentioned that infertility sucks? 

5dpIUI

I'm in bed on doctor's orders. A much welcome break I must say. This time since Dr Adilah ordered just two days of bed rest, I decided not to tell my boss in advance, although I suspect that he kinda knows that I'm going through treatment right now. It's good not having to think about work. I have learned to ignore phone calls and e-mails from the office although I'm quite anxious to hear anything about the CADP. Oh, I've been selected to participate in the company's talent development program i.e CADP. So far I've had to take online tests and have nominated my peers to rate me. It will be awesome if I'm shortlisted coz it would be great for my career, but we'll see :D

Anyway, for the last two days I get really sleepy really early. On Tuesday I slept at 10pm and yesterday I crawled into bed at 9.30pm. I'm not sure if it's because of all the hormones or because I slept really late on Monday night. Two nights ago I dreamed that I was being locked up in a dark room and I screamed. Apparently I gave DH quite a fright coz I actually screamed in my sleep LOL. A friend casually mentioned that it could be a sign of pregnancy. I prefer not to believe that it is. I used to believe in signs in my last two IVF cycles and it didn't do me any good. Right now I'm just going with flow.

I started Utrogeston today. I have no problem inserting those pills in my lady part coz I'm used to using tampons when AF comes, but it sure is messy! Right now my lower abdomen feels a bit heavy. It has been that way since yesterday. Maybe it's because implantation is expected to happen right about now. I hope that it is because of that. I'm also having AF like cramps since yesterday although AF is only supposed to come in two weeks. 

I have a good feeling about this cycle, but I also know that my feelings cannot be trusted. I believe that Dr Adilah can help me get pregnant. If not this cycle, then one day. For now, I'm just gonna lay in bed, read a book or two and indulge in some online shopping. Hey, I gotta entertain myself right? :P

Till next time!

And The Swimmers Are In!

So after five days of my body being pumped with Pergoveris, I poked myself with a needle for the last time this cycle for my Ovidrel shot. I'm getting pretty good with needles yo! Last Saturday was our IUI day. We were there very early for DH to deposit his spermies to be washed. I had to drink four glasses of water to keep my bladder full. By 10.15 we were ready for the procedure. Dr Adilah took one look at the sperm analysis report and marveled at DH's seemingly super swimmers. We had 47 million of those beauties (after being washed) which was excellent according to her. So I laid down and got ready. Apparently I need to learn to relax my pelvis and knees as about 0.5ml of those swimmers trickled back out. Hopefully the rest of them got in safely and well on their way to meet my eggs. I'm under strict instructions from the doctor to be on complete bed rest on Thursday and Friday and to keep my movements to a minimum on Saturday and Sunday. We will have to go back to the hospital next Friday for my beta test. Yikes!

Last shot this cycle (I think) ~ Ovidrel

Post IUI my bladder felt really close to bursting. And by really close I meant if someone put his hand on my belly I would have peed right there and then. And having to wait 30 minutes after the procedure was agonizing. It got so bad that I could barely walk. I must have spent 10 minutes in the loo clearing my bladder LOL.

On the way back home we stopped by PWTC to collect my race kit for the Standard Chartered KL Marathon. Hopefully I won't be able to participate in the marathon in December (if you know what I mean:P) but since I already registered and paid for it, I'll be damned if I didn't collect my kit. Totally forgot that there was the Score expo at PWTC and there were all sorts of booths selling sports equipment. By this time I was starting to feel the cramps and walking like an old lady but then I came upon a booth selling Newton shoes at 30% discount. I swear I would have done backflips if I could (and if I knew how to). Got myself a pair of Newton shoes in pink, blue and yellow. I've had my eyes on these shoes for ages. If not for the price RM650 a pair (*faint) I would've gotten them much earlier. Also got myself a water bottle belt and shoelace lock. I would've loved to visit every booth if not for the cramps.

Question: is it safe to go for a run post IUI but before implantation date?

My race kit for SCKLM 

We got ourselves home and by that time the mother of all cramps made its appearance. DH persuaded me to go back to his hometown in Pilah with him since it was the last weekend before Ramadhan and all. I told him that he had to give me at least 2 hours to rest and nurse my cramps before we could go. After 2 hours the pain had subsided a bit although I was still in agony. So I gritted my teeth and went with DH back to Pilah. I managed to sit out on the BBQ that night coz of the pain. I sure as hell was in no position to mingle with people.

The next day, we had a lot of uncooked lamb leftovers from the night before and someone requested that I make lamb curry for lunch.

This I made while still nursing my cramps

So there you have it. The story of IUI #3 (hopefully our last one). I'll update more soon.

In other news, I mixed a packet of instant cereal and it turned out super frothy. Here's the photographic evidence. Doesn't that look disgusting? 

And then I checked the packet and it turns out that the cereal drink expired in 2011. Whaaaaaat?? LOL

Also, check this spinning Egyptian statue and tell me that's not freaky.

Till next time!