I Hate My Job

There. I said it. I hate it to the point that waking up in the morning takes me half an hour, and by the time I'm up I'm already exhausted. I hate it so much that walking through the door at the office fills me with such dread. Every day I come in to the office expecting shit to happen. The office used to bring me joy. There was a time when the idea of tackling contracts excite me. Not anymore. Now I feel like throwing those damn contracts in a bonfire and dance around it. I'm not really sure what is it exactly that makes me hate it so much. I think it's a combination of many things.

1. I've been here for almost 5 years. Too damn long if you ask me

2. I miss my old big boss. Sure he breathed down our necks at times, but at least he was fun

3. No career prospect

4. No promotion and/or increment. Big boss said that she would talk to HR about this. That was in March. Nothing is happening
5. Being in the office pisses me off for no other reason than the fact that I'm there
6. Too many red tapes and too many people playing the blame game

All this anger and frustration cannot be good for my FET in November, can it? But until I have another job or open my big plan of opening a bookshop, I guess I'll just have to suck it up. Blurgh. Can't wait for my holiday next month. 37 days to be exact. Yup, it's come to a point that I count the days to my big holiday. I hate my job.

Understand Before you Speak

So something annoyed me today and I can't get it out if my head. I was scrolling my Fakebook (silly me) and a friend reposted someone's advice about not to keep asking a couple when they are going to have children. Well that is all fine and dandy but what annoyed me is that she commented on the advice. And this is what she said:

"I'm aware of this. But sometimes it's the reason you gave at the beginning of your marriage that people keep asking. Like nak enjoy dulu lah, not planning one yet lah. If everyone could give an honest answer there will be less people asking kot?"

So bloody what? Just because you gave those reasons, people have the right to butt in and ask things which are none of their business in the first place? And yes, I commented as much on her post. And may I just add that this girl is now pregnant with baby #2 so what the bloody hell does she know about being childless? I swear to God sometimes people say things or comment on things that they have absolutely no clue about. My advice is keep your trap shut.  

I found this on Fakebook yesterday. 

Basically what it says is that only God knows what He has planned for us. We don't know the trials that people who are unmarried or childless go through so stop judging the unmarried or the childless couple. I think the advice is so spot on. 

So guys, think before you speak. You may hurt people's feelings, although it may be unintentional.

Happy Eid!

Hello my chickadees. How's everyone's Eid so far? And to those who don't celebrate, how are you? Good I hope. I'm enjoying Eid but I have to admit, the excitement kinda wanes a bit the older I get. When I was a kid, Eid was all about getting those green Raya packets. Now it's about keeping my faith in check, performing my ibadah and spending time with my loved ones. This year I got to make lemang at DH's kampung. I've done this a couple of times already and Baba is already pestering me about making lemang in Kajang next year LOL. We spent four days in Kuala Pilah before going back to Kajang to spend second day of Eid with my family. And since little sister is back, it made celebrating Eid a lot more fun. We even lit up an 8 ft Chinese firecrackers at the playground in front of my parents' house LOL! Other than that there's not much to talk about Eid.

Aside from Eid, I feel like I must also address the killings in Gaza and the war between Hamas and Israel. This is because I keep thinking about my BBC friends and I don't want them to think that I'm being disrespectful to their religion or country or anything like that. I hope I'm not. My anger is directed at the government, not the people, and of course at Israel. I have been quite active posting about it on my Facebook and I have stayed away from posting and including religious sentimens in my posts.  For me, the killings in Gaza has nothing to do about religion and has everything to do with humanity. I've read books about the genocide of the Jews by Hitler and I think what Hitler did was beyond reprehensible. Again, because it's put it simply, murder. It's the act of taking away someone's life. How can you stand by and watch thousands of innocent civilians, most if them children and babies, being killed on daily basis and not say anything about it? 

So I'm hope I'm not stepping on anyone's toes on this. If I am please let me know. 

Other than that, it's the weekend! Get out. Have fun outside. It's such a lovely day to be out (though it's a bit hot here LOL). I'm heading out to dinner with the family in a bit. Hopefully you guys are having a grand time with your families and friends too. Take care my chickadees!

Confused x10

Hello wonderful people. How have you been? Good? Great. Me? Not too bad considering all that's been going the last couple of months. I've been in an out of the hospital more times than I can count in the last couple of months, went under general anesthetic twice and still no baby in my belly. And since IVF #3 didn't work and the hysteroscopy showed nothing unusual, my doctor is also at a loss. It was actually pretty funny seeing her reaction when she told us the news. That incredulous look that says "what the hell is going on with this girl?" LOL. After the hysteroscopy she asked me whether any of my family members has arthritis and since my mom has osteoarthritis she ordered another round of bloodwork to see if I have any autoimmune disease and some other tests that she had to refer to in her big book of all the blood tests in the world. I think I must have done every blood test known to man for infertility. And guess what? All the tests came back negative. LOL! I'm laughing but weeping inside mind you. Seriously though, what the hell is going on here?

She asked us that since all is clear whether we would like to do our FET #1 during the next cycle. Had a quick discussion with DH and we decided to wait until we come back from our holiday in October. Plus our doctor will be on pilgrimage leave in October and I would really hate for her not to be around during my treatment. I mean come on, what other REs have you text her on anything that you're concerned with while on treatment? So we'll wait, most probably for my November cycle. That leaves me plenty of time to enjoy Eid, spending months leading to October planning for my big holiday with DH and my little sister, and enjoying it in October. We're in no hurry for now. Them embabies will still be throwing each other snowballs in the freezer when we get back from our holiday. And while we wait for November to come, I'm on aspirin to think my blood. Doctor's orders. Just when I think I'm done with meds for now. 

A friend sent me this and it really tickled me LOL! 

In other news, apparently someone thinks I don't have kids because I don't want them. Well, that's a first. I wonder where she got that idea from? Maybe I should show her all our hospital bills from 2007 through 2014 *blink blink*

Right then. I'm heading off to bed. I'm back at work after my two week medical leave and I had at least twelve things on my to do list at the office today. And so far I have only ticked off two. I'm already so tired thinking about what's waiting for me at the office tomorrow LOL. And I have to wake up at 5 am to prepare for sahur. By the way, how's everyone's Ramadhan so far? Good? Alhamdulillah. 

Have a good week ahead my chickadees!

Polyp? Autoimmune disease? What?

So I had my hysteroscopy on Thursday evening and my RE found that everything is A-ok. Surprise surprise. I think she's a a bit at loss as to how to fix me. She did find a small polyp though, removed it and sent it to the lab for testing. She also asked if anyone in my family has a history of arthritis and I told her no. She seemed a bit concerned about arthritis which made me concerned. As soon as she stepped out of the room I remembered that my mom had her kneecaps replaced due to osteoarthritis. I texted her and told her but have not received a reply yet. Oh well. My next appointment is next Friday. We'll see what she says and we'll go from there, yes? And hopefully the small polyp is nothing to worry about.

And here's DH exhausted keeping me company at the hospital after a day's work. Poor guy. Too bad the hospital didn't have single rooms available or he could have spent the night in my room :(

In other news, me being stubborn went to the gym this morning and joined the body step class. Told a white lie to DH and fold him that I walked on the treadmill. And whaddaya know, when I came home this evening I started bleeding again. So ladies, lesson number one, no exercise so soon after a hysteroscopy procedure. Lesson number two, never ever tell a white to your husband. Ever.

Also, do people who just had babies only ever talk about their babies in conversations? Must learn to tune this out. I have enough heartaches to last me a lifetime. Yes, this is the bitter me speaking. La di da.

Well, hope you guys had a great weekend!

I'm Pissed

So earlier this week a friend from school texted me out of the blue. After exchanging pleasantries she suddenly asked me how infertility affects my marriage. I told her that Alhamdulillah DH has been very supportive. In fact he was the one who suggested we get checked up 7 years ago.

And then my friend told me that she's also TTC and it's put a strain on her marriage. She said that her husband, like her wants a baby but he doesn't want to get himself checked out, nor does he want to have anything to do with getting treatment from an RE. Now wouldn't that just annoy you? I was downright pissed! Of course I didn't tell her about my feelings and just listened as she poured her heart out. The poor girl really wants to get help and yet she feels so utterly helpless. I suggested that she go see my awesome RE and get herself checked first. And then go home and talk to her husband and persuade him to do the same. Sometimes men just need a little push eh?

I guess I'm really lucky that DH is my biggest cheerleader in our TTC journey. He's never missed an appointment, always been there with me everytime I get my blood tested and keeps me company when I have to stay overnight at the hospital, no matter how uncomfortable the bed is. I'm not saying that a husband has to do all these, but just show support damn it! Your wife is trying to have a baby and it's your damn baby too!

I could tell from the tone of the texts that my friend was on the verge of crying. Maybe she already did and it was so heartbreaking. And it bummed me that I couldn't help her except refer her to my RE and to listen as she told her story. 

I wish there was more awareness about infertility so people know that they can get help. And speaking of, I really wanted to go a fertility forum at Pantai Hospital this morning which my RE is the presenter. I think these forums is a good place to start if you are hesitant to see a doctor for a check up. Know about infertility and find out how the doctor can help. Knowledge is key, people. And guys, if you can't show support for your wives, let me know. I have my fist ready to punch you in the face. 

Hello Friends!

Hello friends! First of all, thank you so much for your prayers and kind notes. They got me through the BFN. Speaking of BFN, I've been a real busy bee since we got the test result. Not only busy with trying again but also busy with doing my own stuff which is long overdue. First I got a haircut and put highlights to cover up my mushrooming white hair. They're horrendous! The white hair, not the highlights hehe. Then I registered with a gym and have been going three times so far. And I'm loving it! I've forgotten how good it feels to really sweat. Plus I need to lose 6kg and I need to start training for the Standard Chartered marathon in October. Thank goodness I don't mind working out. And I'm thinking of getting hubs to register at the gym too. We'll see how well that turns out hehe.

I also made a new TTC friend! While I was doing IVF #3 all we've ever done was text each other and since IVF #3 didn't work out, we arranged to meet a couple of weeks ago. And she's lovely!! So glad for the day that she first sent me an e-mail saying hello :)

Speaking of TTC, I've also been seeing the RE to follow up on our next plan. We did a whole bunch of blood tests, some of them I couldn't even pronounce. We haven't gotten the results yet though. The RE has also arranged me to do a hysteroscopy next week, so it looks like I'm gonna have to spend a couple of nights again at the hospital. Oh well. Whatever it takes to find out what's wrong with me right? 

So that's what's up with me. How are you guys doing? :)