Coup d'etat

Yup. This is what I am feeling right now. Three days ago for some reason what I thought was AF made an appearance. It was 7 days too early. And it came in streaks. TMI, I know. Yesterday was the most blood I got, and it didn't even fill one napkin. Today it decided to come in streaks again. It seems like my body has done a coup d'etat on me. So I texted Dr Adilah to tell her about my traitorous body and whether I should take progynova after all this madness has stopped. You see, during our last visit to the doctor, she suggested that I do a mock cycle and prescribed progynova to see how my endometrium responds to it. It appears that during that visit, she wasn't too happy with the thickness of my endometrium, hence the mock cycle. But now with the coup d'etat she suggested that I wait for my next cycle to start my progynova. I'm then asked her if this is normal after IVF, and she said that some people go through this and I don't stop bleeding she'll prescribe some antibiotics. My body is plotting something. I know it.

Anyway, yesterday I went to Meridians Japanese healing centre. Big sis suggested it to me, telling me that her friend did acupuncture there and is now 7 weeks pregnant. Since we didn't have anything to lose anyway, we decided to give it a go. And I'm glad we did. Japanese acupuncture is different from Chinese acupuncture. There's more detail to it. And we loved our therapist, a British bloke who has done this for so long. We went for a consult first and he asked us a lot of questions to find out what we really want out of the therapy. And then he examined me, pressing my abdomen and my legs, taking my pulse etc. And from our previous IVF experience and from his examination, he gathered that my qi is concentrated on my upper body, and does not distribute evenly to my whole body. My pulse is also a bit on the weak side. He then did a moxa treatment where he placed tiny cones on my body and lit them up, sun Uffington out the flame just before it hit my skin. And then he did acupuncture on my back and another round of moxa, which was quite lovely. After the session he felt my pulse again and seemed quite happy with it, which made me happy. He told us that he prefers for me to do a weekly session for three months, by the end of which hopefully I can get pregnant naturally. The session itself is quite expensive, with RM160 per visit, but we thought that's a small price to pay compared to RM30k on a round of IVF. We were quite happy with the session and already made an appointment for next weekend. I mean, I love Dr Adilah. She's the best. But if I can get pregnant naturally without IVF, I sure as he'll am gonna try.

For anyone interested in doing the Japanese acupuncture, you can visit this website. They don't do walk-ins, so it's best for you to make an appointment. Give it a go. It may or may not help, but it doesn't hurt to try, eh?

The interior of Meridians. It's got quite a zen vibe to it. I nicked this from another blog coz I forgot to take a picture of it. What can I say? I was nervous :P

Also, I also would like you, my darling chickadees to say a prayer for my good friend (let's call her Ms. I), who is now pregnant. She's having a tough pregnancy and her doctor says that it may not be a viable one, so keep her in your thoughts, will you? She's a tough cookie, this one, having gone through a lot to have a baby, but that's a story I'll tell in another post.

Till next time, hope you chickadees had a lovely weekend, and those on the other side of the world, have a good one ok?

Even the Strongest Break

I broke. I've been putting on a brave front these past couple of days, convincing myself that I was alright. And then on Friday while I was in the shower, I cried. Like really cried. The kind that makes you cry so hard it gives you hiccups and your chest hurts. And then I performed the Asar prayer and cried to Him. So I guess the strongest breaks sometimes.

While having dinner tonight with hubs, I told him that this year we'll have our baby. And he smiled at me. He told me that the fact that we don't have a baby yet does not mean that it's not our rezeki. Well, not entirely. It's because God is testing us, to see how strong we are when faced with His tests. I reminded him that this is our fourth IVF fail, and he smiled at me and reminded me that it means that we're really strong then. My husband is a rock star.

In other news, I told a friend about our IVF fail and she said,"well it's not like you failed an exam." She is the shittiest of all shitheads. She is also now dead to me.

Bruises, and no baby

So I'm in bed watching the series finale of Parenthood (for the second time) as I write this. Have you seen it by the way? It's really good. Had me cry buckets. Anyway, I had my FET ET last Wednesdsy. Everything looked perfect. We transferred two blastocysts, and both of the have hatched.

See?

Before the ET I had to take Orgalutron and Proluton shots. As I said, they hurt like a bitch. And they gave me bruises.

See??

So after ET I was on bed rest, eating mostly rice with fish and vegetables, nothing spicy until my beta on Wednesday. And guess what? My beta is 3. 3!!! 2 more points to being pregnant. Laughable really. It really felt like the universe was mocking me. Dr. Adilah however told me my progesterone level looks good and asked me to stay on my progesterone pills and comeback for beta on Friday, which is today. So I went again for beta, waited till 12 pm to text the doctor to ask her my result and her reply was, "beta is <2. Stop medication. Call for appoint on day 12." 

So that's it folks! We're done for this cycle. 

I have to say though, that me and DH did really well emotionally this time. We didn't cry when we found out the result. I cried buckets over Parenthood finale and none when I found out our beta result both times. We took it in our stride. I suppose you can say for me especially, too much disappointments have made me a little bit indifferent. Am I disappointed? Of course I am. Am I giving up? Hell to the no. I guess I'm more accepting this time. I mean, DH, our RE and I have done all we could and we left it all to Him. And He is saying it is not our time yet, so me and DH accept that. We're already talking about our plans for our 5th IVF, whether it's a via a fresh cycle or FET. We still have two morulas left, so we'll see.

Do I feel like I've been punched in the gut and roll my eyes to high heaven when I see my friends post photos of their perfect babies on my Instagram feed? Of course I do. Come on guys. I'm only human. But I'm accepting it.

I'm going on a holiday in Krabi with my best girlfriends and their families in March, and then DH wants us to go on a holiday just the two of us after that. I suggested we get our diving certificates, something that I have always wanted to do, and he is open to it. And then we'll start trying again Insha Allah.

In the meantime, since I'll be returning to the office next Wednesday, I'm gonna spend the rest of my break finishing watching Parenthood reruns with a box of Kleenex next to me. Seriously guys. Go watch it. One of the best, if not the best TV shows ever, after Friday Night Lights. And we know how I feel about Friday Night Lights :D

And We Have Blood

So I had my last Orgalutron shot for this cycle 19 minutes ago. And I drew blood. What a nice send off. Hubs looked like he could faint. Men. Tough on the outside but gooey on the inside. Like marshmallows. LOL.

There. It doesn't look that bad, does it? Hurts like a b***ch though LOL. Anyway, that's done. I'm already on Femoston which I have take vaginally. Speaking of...

See, sometimes the only things that will get you through all this hardship and ordeal are (a) praying, and (b) a truck load of humour. 

On another note, I've been going to the gym for a couple of months now and I've only recently started joining the Body Balance class. It's a combination of yoga, Pilates and tai chi and I have to say, the class is so good and the instructor is way awesome. I've heard and read people say that yoga is good for fertility so I'm giving it a go. And if you guys are thinking of taking up yoga, try Fitness First at Avenue K and keep a lookout for classes conducted by one Nick Heng. Love the dude!

Right. Off to bed now. Good night my chickadees!

Happy New Year!

Hello lovelies. How's 2015 treating you so far?  Good I hope, unlike mine. I slept through the fireworks. No surprise there. The first couple of days of 2015 have been a bit bumpy for me. AF came, which means that I had to start taking my Orgalutron shots and my Progynova pills. For some reason, this time the idea of giving myself shots terrified me. I am suddenly afraid of needles. WTH??? I had to take a couple of breaths before giving myself my first shot, and the needle didn't seem to want to pierce my tummy. So I had to try again. And it hurt like hell. I even shed a few tears. WTH??? That has never happened before. I used to be okay with needles. Needles and me? We used to be buddies.

The second shot I had to give myself, I had to do it without hubs sitting next to me. He had to go back to his hometown in Kelantan to clean up his dad's house which was hit by the recent flood. Not the best time for him to go back, but it was something he had to do. And I cried buckets when I sent him to the airport, you would think I wouldn't see him for a year hen in fact he was only gone for one night. Thank God a good friend called to ask if I was okay and asked me out for brunch. We had a good laugh and for a while I forgot how lonely I was without hubs. Thanks Intan! You saved me from a day of wallowing :P That night, I had hubs on speaker the whole time I gave myself the shot. 

3rd shot tonight he was at already at home with me holding my hand. He turned away of course. He can't stand needles and seeing me in pain is something he cannot do. And boy did it hurt. I bled a little and it hurt bad that my teeth chattered for a good few minutes after that. 

So that was my 2015 so far. Fun stuff. I'm supposed to go easy and not strain myself too much. Nurse's order. I'm still gonna do my Pilates and yoga for a bit before I have to stop going to the gym for a while. Tomorrow's gonna be a lazy day. If we wake up early we might go for a morning walk, walk to the market, make lunch and then spend the afternoon on the couch watching DVDs. And then I need to psyche myself up to take the 4th shot at night. I'm already gritting my teeth at the thought.

Until the next update, I hope you are having a lovely weekend my chickadees!

I'm Alive!

Hello beautiful people! No I did not fall of a cliff. Nothing much happened since my last post warranted an update, hence the silence. Well, except for my Istanbul holiday in October, which was a blast. Some photos from the trip :)

            The gorgeous Blue Mosque

Tableware and decorations with Iznik motifs. We managed to snag a few from the Grand Bazaar

Us at Topkapi Palace. You cannot not spend at least 2 hours at this beautiful palace

The Grand Bazaar. We bought quite a few things here at great prices. And we met some of the nicest sellers here

Me and hubs at Galata Bridge. In the background is Galata

Best Turkish coffee can be found at Mandabatmaz in Istiklal. We had two cups each of the strong brew.

Uncle Altan here is definitely my favourite seller in Istanbul. His shop sells the yummiest candies and Turkish delights (lokum)

We saw the whirling dervish show here. Amazing.

Our favourite carpet sellers. Such nice people

Us in front of Dolmabahce Palace. A magnificent monument. Attaturk used to live here. He also died here

Another amazing building, Hagia Sophia. A church turned into a mosque turned into a museum. I must have stood at this spot for a good few minutes with my mouth open, gaping at its splendor.

We shopped. We ate. We walked. We went on ferry trips. We made new friends. We had the time of our lives. Cannot wait to start planning our holiday for next year. 

Hubs and I also celebrated my birthday last weekend with a bang. He took me to Mamma Mia the Musical on Friday (I took the day off), brought me to the Big Bad Wolf Book Sale and got me a mountain of books (in addition to the haul which I already got a couple of weeks ago) and treated me to Japanese food at Kampachi. Good stuff.

In other news, I'm seeing Dr. Adilah tomorrow. If everything goes well, we'll do FET Insha Allah in January. I've missed my doctor. Seeing her face always gives me comfort. I'll have more updates after tomorrow.

Have a good day chickadees!

I Hate My Job

There. I said it. I hate it to the point that waking up in the morning takes me half an hour, and by the time I'm up I'm already exhausted. I hate it so much that walking through the door at the office fills me with such dread. Every day I come in to the office expecting shit to happen. The office used to bring me joy. There was a time when the idea of tackling contracts excite me. Not anymore. Now I feel like throwing those damn contracts in a bonfire and dance around it. I'm not really sure what is it exactly that makes me hate it so much. I think it's a combination of many things.

1. I've been here for almost 5 years. Too damn long if you ask me

2. I miss my old big boss. Sure he breathed down our necks at times, but at least he was fun

3. No career prospect

4. No promotion and/or increment. Big boss said that she would talk to HR about this. That was in March. Nothing is happening
5. Being in the office pisses me off for no other reason than the fact that I'm there
6. Too many red tapes and too many people playing the blame game

All this anger and frustration cannot be good for my FET in November, can it? But until I have another job or open my big plan of opening a bookshop, I guess I'll just have to suck it up. Blurgh. Can't wait for my holiday next month. 37 days to be exact. Yup, it's come to a point that I count the days to my big holiday. I hate my job.