Am I Bad Person?

So DH just told me that MIL was gonna stay the night at our place last Friday. I was kinda dreading it actually. That was the first time I saw her after the miscarriage. We're not close, my MIL and I. My fault partly coz for some reason I put up a barrier between me and my in laws. And who can blame me? The first thing that she said when she came to our house was that I have gained weight. Ermm hello. I was pregnant you know. That made me so annoyed but I held it in. I know I should have said something to DH but I just kept quiet.

I have been avoiding going back to DH's hometown and any gatherings that his siblings organized and so far he has not pushed me to go. But now I'm thinking I'm gonna have to go back to DH's hometown next weekend and DH hinted that I will have to. I'm kinda dreading that too coz I know I'll be seeing DH's new nephew who was born days apart from my m/c. It's gonna hurt. I'm sure of it. I know it's unfair of me but I can't help it when the feeling of sadness and depression surface.

So my question is, is avoiding seeing my in laws make me a bad person? How long do I have to keep feeling this way?

Enough Already

With the AF. Ever since the
miscarriage my cycle has gone haywire. AF came last month for a few days, stopped and came back after seven days. And it stayed for 12 friggin' days before it disappeared. And the the day after (which was yesterday) it came back! What the fish? I'm starting to get really pissed off coz I want to get on the BD and try for a baby naturally as soon as I can, and my body's not making it any easier. You hear me body? You suck!

I texted my Prof to get his advice and he told me to stop taking aspirin (which I took to thin out my blood so there would be no clots after the m/c). I stopped taking them yesterday but AF still hasn't stopped. I think I'm gonna for this AF to stop and if it comes again I'm gonna see Prof to schedule an u/s to find out what's going on. I need answers dammit!

Ok enough venting for today heheh. Much love :)

Male vs Female. And Other Unimportant Stuff

So there was a debate going on on my twitter timeline last Friday on whether a male obgyn is better than a female one. It all started when a news came out in the papers that a male obgyn was brought to court for molesting his pregnant patient. A friend twot (yup that's an actual past tense of tweet people) that she would never go to a male obgyn because of this and that we're not living in a darurah (emergency) state so why should we go to a male obgyn? This sparked some tension among my friends whom I know to have male obgyn/fertility specialists. Heck my fertility specialist is also a male and I love him! He was always there when I needed him.

I don't think my friend meant any harm when she started the whole thing off. But for us infertiles, I can see how it made my other friend upset. People who do not have to go through the whole TTC journey are not like us. They don't get us. They have a choice. We don't. At least not in my country. There are only a handful of female fertility specialists and a lot more males. I have had experience going to female doctors for my pap spears and I just plain hate female doctors. They're rough and you leave the clinic with your vajayjay sore. And I never want to go through that again. Nope. No way. Na-ah.

I guess whether you get a good obgyn/fertility specialist or not, it all comes down to luck. That idiot doctor in the news happens to be one in a million. For me, just because of that one bad apple, you can't generalize and say that all male doctors are perverts.

Ok, enough about my twitter drama. Today was a bad day. It started off okay until I went to a meeting and saw that the lady who organized the meeting is pregnant. She's about 4 months pregnant I think and seeing her belly was painful for me. It took me great effort to remain calm and be all smiley when inside I was weeping. As soon as the meeting was over I ran to the bathroom and cried. It's been 2 months since I lost my little peanut and it still hurts. When does it end? Will it ever end? If anyone can give me an answer to this, that would be awesome. Sigh...

Anyway, has anybody read "A Game of Thrones" by George R. R. Martin? OMG it's awesome. I've never seen the series on HBO but the book is so captivating. I couldn't stop reading it. I'm halfway through and I already have an itch to get the second book "A Clash of Kings." It's that good. I also have an itch to hide in the toilet with my book right now. If you need a book recommendation, here's one for you. Go get "A Game of Thrones" now!

Much love

Lucky You Say?

So today is the first day of school. I logged into my Facebook this morning and saw loads of pictures of my friends sending their kids to school, some of them for the first time. I then typed my status which went something Iike this "so many photos on FB of friends sending their kids to school for the 1st time. When I send mine InsyaAllah one day, they'll already be in high school!" and hit the "send" button. Fifteen minutes after that someone commented that I should feel lucky that I don't have to go through the hassle of dealing with crying kids.

Question is am I really lucky? I think not. I'd give anything to experience sending my kids to school. In fact if given the opportunity when I have kids, I'd send them to school every day. I'd like to give the commenter the benefit of the doubt and think that she probably doesn't know that I'm struggling with infertility. And yes I replied to her comment and said "for someone struggling with infertility I think you're the lucky one" which she indeed is.

So many of us forget about the blessings that's been given to us that we sometimes moan and complain about petty things. I hope that when the time comes for me to send my kids to school or to do things for them, I will always remember this day as be thankful that Allah has given me the opportunity to do so.

A friend told me that when the day comes for her kids to go to high school I'll be cuddling my own sweetie pie while she deals with snarky teenagers (my own words, not hers. But you get the gist :P). She also said that by then I'll have plenty of friends to refer to and she's probably right and that made me feel better (she has a way of looking at things from another perspective. It's a gift I tell you) so thank you for that.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is be grateful for what you have. Some people may not have the same luxury and blessings.

Much love...