Thursday, November 11, 2010

Breaking Down is OK Sometimes

I watched Giuliana & Bill last night. The episode after she had a miscarriage and it broke my heart. Watching her cry reminded me of the time I broke down in the car in the hospital parking lot after my second attempt at IUI failed. Hubs and I have been trying to get pregnant since we got married five years ago and so far nothing has worked. We've gone through a few rounds of clomid and nothing happened. We then tried IUI twice and still my period came right on dot like clockwork. The red spots were to me a reminder that I have failed yet again.

It's amazing how similar Guliana's reaction and my reaction were. We were both afraid to as they say "get back on the saddle". The treatment itself was emotionally and physically draining. The hormone medications made me cry out of the blue, much to the consternation of my husband. It's well and good if the treatment is successful but if it's not, it's not something that I want to go through again.

I feel  Giuliana when she wept and wondered out loud why this happened to her and Bill, that they are good people and do not deserve this. I feel her when she said she felt guilty for the miscarriage. What she went through, I experienced it myself not too long ago (although not the miscarriage part). I too felt guilty for not the IUI not being successful. Sometimes I feel like I've let my husband down (although being the sweetheart that he is, he assured me that all this is beyond our control and that no one is to blame). Being a woman is hard. It comes with a certain expectation especially when you are married. And by expectation I mean being pregnant right after you're married. Sounds ridiculous and stupid but I get asked "when are you gonna have a baby" a lot. At times I feel like punching the utterer of those idiotic words in the face. But human being human, you can't control what people think or say.

Oh well, idiots will be idiots. There's nothing you can do about it. Life goes on. I will try again with the fertility treatment, be it another round of IUI or IVF. I will cry out of the blue again. I will have mood swings. And I will breakdown if it doesn't work Nauzubillah. But heck it, it's okay to breakdown sometimes. And if people tell you otherwise, tell them to sod it :)

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