Bittersweet

So last night me and DH (DH and I?) had dinner with my BFF and her family who would be performing their umrah in Mecca this morning. I always have a grand time with them, whom I consider my second family. There is no shortage of laughter when I'm around them. As I heard stories of their trip, it made me long to perform my own umrah with DH. DH and I have actually talked about this and we initially planned to go end of this year, but then I heard my BFF's sister's FIL (confusing much?) telling us that the Saudi govt will close off umrah for major renovation works from Hajj this year to Hajj next year.

Oh dear. One of the decisions that we had to make after the m/c was when do we start IVF #3, and we thought that if we could go for umrah end of this year then IVF #3 will start right after that. But now that we can't even go until end of next year, we're back to square one. Do we start IVF #3 first and then perform our umrah? What happens if I do get pregnant, then what do we do? Leave the baby? Granted we shouldn't be thinking that far ahead, knowing our history of "failed successful" IVFs. It looks like we have some thinking to do, although I'm leaning towards doing IVF #3 first. One year seems like such a long time to wait for our next cycle to start, don't you think?

Anyway, one of my buttcheeks who's pregnant via her first IVF is scheduled for her u/s today. I can't help but feel depressed although I'm also so happy for her. Can you be happy and depressed at the same time? I'm praying that the u/s will go smoothly for her and her DH, but at the same time I feel like a part of me is dying inside. Remember my post "Disconnected"? Now I feel disconnected more than ever. I want to reach out for her and tell her that I wish her all the luck in the world, but it's killing me softly. Great. Now I sound like Roberta Flack. I think I'm officially losing it.

I already feel guilty about being jealous of her pregnancy and I admitted it to her. I know that she understands how I feel and I know that it's not right. She is my buttcheek after all.

I sent her a present last week. I bought her the What To Expect When You're Expecting online and had it delivered to her home as a surprise. It's the least I can do to show her my support. As I'm writing this, I can already feel tears welling up (damn it!). My dearest friend, if you're reading this, know that I love you with all my heart. That will never ever change. I will always be your buttcheek and twinnie and although I may not always say it, I wish you all the luck in the world with your pregnancy. Nothing would make me happier than seeing you with a baby in your arms. I may not always be there for you physically, but I'm with you in spirit, praying for you from afar.

Great. Now I'm crying. Goodbye.