Hello!

Boy, have I been a slacker. Hello beautiful people! *wave*

So my AF this month came 4 days late. A bit unusual since it always arrives on time. What's even more unusual was my reaction. I used to be excited and would rush off to the pharmacy to get HPTs, but this time I was very indifferent. Probably because I've always been disappointed in the past and I was setting myself up for another disappointed. So I waited. I even ran a 10 km marathon on Saturday night. And guess what? AF came in full force this morning. I think I have resigned myself to the fact that I can never get pregnant without any medical or scientific assistance.

Also, Stirrup Queens put up a blog post a couple of days ago on pregnancy loss which I thought was very well written. I think the reason why it spoke to me is because when I miscarried both times, I really didn't know how to grieve. How do you grieve over someone whom you've never met and didn't exist except in your womb and in your mind? For all you beautiful ladies (and gents) who have experienced pregnancy loss, check the post out.

Anyway, what have I been up to lately? Let's see. I ran and completed two 10 km marathons in two months. The first was the Standard Chartered KL Marathon last month and the BSN Putrajaya Night Marathon last Saturday night. I enjoyed myself tremendously both times, although I'm not too happy with my running time. The night marathon was especially fun coz it was my first time running at night, plus the atmosphere at the event was electric, complete with fire breathers! As usual DH voiced his regret in not signing up. I swear I'm gonna sign him up for every marathon that I sign up next year LOL.

Some pictures from both marathons:

        Almost at the finishing line! (Standard Chartered)

               Us with our finisher's medals (Putrajaya)

               Me & my number one supporter

In other news, our Japan trip is two weeks away yipee! DH and I are basically all set and ready to go. All our hotels are booked and I already bought our Disneyland tickets. The only thing left to do is to get our JR passes. I told DH that after this trip, I'm gonna retire from doing itineraries. Seriously folks, doing itineraries is no small feat. I practically cracked my head thinking of what we're going to do, where we're going to go, looking at train schedules etc. I had to force DH to read Japan's Lonely Planet and tell me where he wants to go. Men!

So, we'll be going to Tokyo, Mt Fuji, Hiroshima, Kyoto and Osaka during our ten day trip. Booking hostels for all these places was a nightmare. We had to cancel our booking for the hostel in Hiroshima coz we realized that we will only reach Hiroshima at 7 a.m. from Mt Fuji instead of the night before, and since we'll be sleeping in the train, there's no point in booking a hostel. And then we decided to add another day in Kyoto, so I had to book an extra day at the hostel and cancel a booking for one night in Tokyo. I think by the end of this trip I will be so exhausted that I'll probably another holiday to recuperate. I will try to post entries on what we're up to at the end of each day (thank God for WiFi at the hostel) although by the end of each day I'll probably collapse on the tatami mat in exhaustion LOL.

Things that I'm excited to do in Japan:
1. watch the tuna auction at Tsukiji Market (if we manage to get a place since only 120 visitors are allowed each day to watch the auction)
2. go hiking at Mt Fuji
3. take a dip a the Onsen in Mt Fuji
4. cry at the A-Bomb Dome and Peace Memorial
5. try and catch a glimpse of geishas in Kyoto
6. Disneyland!!!

But right now, I've gotta finish off as much work as I can. Sure I have someone covering for me while I'm gone, but I'd hate to burden her when she also has things to do.

Till next time, ciao!

Should I or Shouldn't I?

So yesterday, out of the blue I thought of my two angel babies. The ones that I will get to meet in heaven InsyaAllah. And then my thoughts turned to the two tickers I have on my blog to remind me of them. It's been 1 year and 9 months since DH and I said goodbye to our first angel, and 1 year 3 months to our second angel. (For some reason I always thought of my angels being a pair of a boy and a girl. Huh). And it got me thinking, is it time for me to take down those tickers? A part of me tells me not to, and that just thinking about it makes me feel guilty. But a part of me knows that I need to do it some day. Does taking them down mean that I'm forgetting? I want to move on but I never want to forget. We'll be doing our IVF #3 hopefully in January and I don't want to be plagued with worries and fear from my miscarriages. So...any thoughts on this?

Also, I was reading blogs from my blog lists and one blogger put up a link to this story on Facebook. It's just so sad and yet so beautiful and gives me such hope.

"We are warriors of angels" ~ Jessica Lyn

The Next Step and My Awesome RE

So DH and I have been talking about when our next IVF will be and DH thinks that we should go see Dr. Adilah in December and probably go through with IVF early next year. Can I just say that I'm not overly excited about this? I mean, I am a pleased with the fact that he has thought of the plan, but I'm also a bit afraid. Okay a lot afraid. Judging from the last two miscarriages, the thought of going through another round kinda scares the shit out of me. But this is something we have to do, and do it we will.

So to prepare me for the next round I hopped on over to Dr. Adilah's blog and in one of her posts where she laid down the statistics of her IVF programme, she was talking about how she's now mulling over her plan to reimburse the IVF cost if the patient's IVF fails, PROVIDED she keeps up her successful pregnancy rate of 40%-50%. For a moment there I was speechless. Here is a doctor who spends every day helping women get pregnant (and she's good at it too) and now she wants to reimburse her patients who are not successful? And I thought of how blessed I am to have found this wonderful wonderful doctor. May Allah bless her and all the other fertility specialists for helping and continuing to help women like me get pregnant.

Now I'm gonna hide in the toilet while I cry tears of joy.

Let's Celebrate!

Right. Enough of angry posts. Lets move on shall we? Cool. So DH and I celebrated our 8th anniversary two weeks ago. It was pretty low key, in a good way. DH is never one for grand gestures, so I know not to expect any, and that's totally fine by me. He had already gotten me a pair of diamond earrings a month in advance. I'm still trying to figure what to get for him. I'm a terrible wife, I know. The thing is, it's very difficult to get him a present. He's very picky and if he doesn't like it, it will stay in our dressing table drawer for eternity. Oh well, I'll figure something out, hopefully before next year's anniversary :P

He took me out to a Korean dinner at Koryo-won, which I have been craving for for so long. We had bulgogi and BBQ meat wrapped in lettuce. Awesome awesome stuff. 

Little sister also came home from Sabah for her Eid holiday, albeit a week after we celebrated Eid. But no matter, we still had tremendous fun when she was around as always. Us sisters took mom put for a dim sum lunch. Dad was out of town so that was a bummer. Again, awesome awesome food (I love food. Can you tell?) 

A day before little sister flew back to Sabah, we met up for lunch. This time the whole family (minus husbands and kids) were there. 

Next was a friend's wedding last Saturday. I had great great fun at the wedding. After the stressful week I had, that wedding was all I needed. My best friend flew home from Jakarta to attend the wedding and as usual when she's around, hilarity ensues. Lots of laughs, lots of giggles. Just perfect. 

The wedding cake. Isn't it gorgeous? Made by my best friends's sister :)

While waiting for the solemnization ceremony, we painted our nails. Because why not :P

Best friends

With the gorgeous bride and her new husband

On Sunday DH and I celebrated his 35th birthday. I took him out for dinner at La Risata and my goodness, the food was truly to die for.

This sea bream with spinach and mascarpone cheese was truly to die for

Zuppa de pesce. Very light but quite filling. I die.

So that's what I've been up to last two weeks. Oh and DH and I finally made our hotel bookings for our Japan holiday, but that's another story for another entry.  Till more updates, toodles!

Taking Control

I haven't been feeling like myself lately, especially since after the failed IUI #3. To top it all off, two of my friends are pregnant about the same time my IUI failed. It was no longer like a punch in the gut. It was like my whole body was  being punched to a pulp.

Yesterday I left my group chat simply because the conversation revolved around which stroller/baby carrier/cot is the best in the market. It's not something that I can deal with right now. I've said this before and I will keep saying it until I'm blue in the face, lest some people have the wrong impression of me. I am happy, so happy for you pregnant ladies out there, especially those who have been TTC. But  talking about which baby carrier is the best in the market is not something I want to do, nor is it a conversation I can contribute to. It is never my intention to take away anybody's happiness about the little peanut growing in her womb. But it is a tad insensitive to be talking about babies in a room while fully aware that I'm the only one without children and the only one still trying to get pregnant. We're all adults. We do not need to be taught how to behave appropriately. It's common sense. I may be selfish here but I'm not gonna apologize for it. Removing myself from the things that depress me or are a constant reminder of my failure to conceive is one of the ways I know how to help me move on. I've kept quiet all this while because I don't want to offend anybody. But I cry when I hear people talk about their pregnancies and babies and I can't keep on doing that to myself anymore. A wise friend told me that God is the best listener, so yesterday after prayer I spoke to Him, all the while crying my eyeballs out. I had to stop reading the Qur'an because I was crying so hard the words were barely audible and comprehensible. 

People may say that I'm a bit bitter/immature/jealous, and maybe I am. I'm only human after all. I already feel awful about myself and I don't need people to tell me that. My friends tell me that they miss me. Well, guess what? I miss me too. More than anything I miss the old me. The old me would talk about babies without going to the loo and crying her eyes out. The old me would be over the moon about a pregnancy news and not think "when is my turn?" The old me was happy. 

I'm hoping that I will become my old me again, but maybe I never will. This TTC journey has changed me, for the better and for worse. I've met wonderful friends along the way. My outlook on life and family has changed. My take on what and who is important in my life has changed. And I will keep on changing as I travel on this sometimes lonely journey. I'm not going to apologize for it. Life happens. Shit happens. Some people are strong and brave and take on tragedies by the horn, and I applaud that. Good for you. But not everyone is built that way. I'm not built that way. Life would be dull if God intended for everyone to behave the same way, wouldn't it?

I don't need drama and I don't need stress. I need people to understand. Empathy is key. You may not know the pain us infertiles are going through, but I'm pretty sure you do know what pain feels like. Any kind of pain, it hurts. The degree of pain may be different but it hurts all the same. I don't need people feeding me advice on what supplements/food to take to make me more fertile. Believe you me, I have done my fair share of research and I've had more than enough advice I feel like I can make a book out of it. And just because your fertility doctor got you pregnant after the tenth try, it does not mean that I'm ready to change doctor. What works for you may not work for me. I don't need people to dictate when I should move on. It's my life. I dictate how I live it. I will move on when I'm ready, and not a second sooner. People think that they have the right to hand out advice, even when it's not needed. The general rule on advice is, if it's not asked for, don't give it. It may come off as insensitive and rude. 

So there. I've said my piece. I may sound like a broken record but this has to be said. I'm taking control of my life. I am the captain of my ship. Deal with it.

Addiction

Hi, my name is Aiza and I'm a book addict.

Those of you who know me well can attest to this. I'm a book addict and I'm not ashamed to admit it. I have about twenty unread books on my bookshelves, but that doesn't stop me from buying at least one new book a month. I love everything about books. I'm a book sniffer. Before I start reading a new book, I always pick it up, turn the pages and bring it to my nose for a good sniff. You may find this weird, but I love now different paper smells differently. I love the woody, oaky smell. Don't believe me? Try it yourself.

I have to thank my dad for this addiction. Since me and my sisters were little, he would always bring us to bookstores and book fairs, and I loved it. I would find a spot in a bookstore, pick up a random book from the shelf and sit down to devour it. I now return the favour by bringing to the bookstores and buying him books. One of my favourite memories of school is going to the library during free periods. I was a frequent borrower. I would dread the time when I had to return the library books that I borrowed at her counter coz that meant the book and I had to part ways. Suffice to say, I always returned the books late. I often ignored the evil eye the librarian gave me. I also didn't mind when my dad picked me up late from school, coz that would mean more time for me spend at the library.

Unfortunately, now that I'm all grown up, have a sometimes stressful job and am married, I have less time to read. But that doesn't stop me from buying books. Oh no siree. During the last Big Bad Book sale (one of the biggest book fairs in the country) I spent about RM800 on books for me and dad. Money well spent I say.

I discovered Book Depository a couple of years and am now a frequent buyer. I love buying books online. Whenever I got a call from the mailing room at the office to pick up a parcel, my heart will skip in anticipation of tearing the package up to get to the book that I ordered. The coolest thing about Book Depository is that the books are super cheap and they offer free shipping to anywhere in the world. Their catalogue is huge and you can find almost any book there.

If you're an avid reader and a book addict, I seriously recommend going to the website and browse. You can click on the link above or the banner on my blog page. You can spend hours browsing, I can assure you. Try it, and you might find something you like. I know I always do. Happy browsing!

Of Being Sad and Coping

Yesterday, on my way to work, a good friend of mine texted me and told me that she needed to tell me something. In my heart I already knew what she was going to say. That she was pregnant. Again, while I'm over the moon about her being pregnant, I was extremely sad for me. I told her truthfully that I was crying while we were texting and she understood. Knowing my fertility struggles, she also understood how difficult it would be for me if she announced it to our group of friends, so she decided to tell me personally first. At that moment, I felt such gratitude for this friend thinking about how considerate she was.

I've been having my "alone time" lately after I found out about my BFN. I didn't feel like socializing much. While I know that it's not healthy, I've also been staying away from my closest friends. Our daily conversations will be peppered with stories about babies and pregnancies, and I cannot deal with that right now. It's something that I need to do. Do I miss them? Sure I do. But I miss my old self more. And I want to be my old self again. I want to be happy and to be ready for our next IVF. I think I deserve to be selfish once in a while, for me and DH's sake. Speaking of DH, since he was next to me when my friend texted me, I asked him if guys are affected by pregnancy announcements too? He told me that he does get affected, although he doesn't show it, most probably because he doesn't want me to be more sad that I already am by those announcements. And that made me sad. Most of the time we tend to feel that all these struggles are mostly about us, the wives, and we sometimes forget that our husbands are in the same position as we are.

And speaking of being sad, I recently read Imam Khalid Latif's article in Huffington Post. Reading it felt like such a comfort to me. In his article he says that there is nothing wrong about being sad. It's what makes us human. Even the Prophet pbuh shed tears upon the death of his son, Ibrahim. I'll leave you with a quote from the article.

"I don't think being sad is necessarily an indication of one's faith, especially not a weakness of it" ~ Imam Khalid Latif

Have a good day!