Taking Control

I haven't been feeling like myself lately, especially since after the failed IUI #3. To top it all off, two of my friends are pregnant about the same time my IUI failed. It was no longer like a punch in the gut. It was like my whole body was  being punched to a pulp.

Yesterday I left my group chat simply because the conversation revolved around which stroller/baby carrier/cot is the best in the market. It's not something that I can deal with right now. I've said this before and I will keep saying it until I'm blue in the face, lest some people have the wrong impression of me. I am happy, so happy for you pregnant ladies out there, especially those who have been TTC. But  talking about which baby carrier is the best in the market is not something I want to do, nor is it a conversation I can contribute to. It is never my intention to take away anybody's happiness about the little peanut growing in her womb. But it is a tad insensitive to be talking about babies in a room while fully aware that I'm the only one without children and the only one still trying to get pregnant. We're all adults. We do not need to be taught how to behave appropriately. It's common sense. I may be selfish here but I'm not gonna apologize for it. Removing myself from the things that depress me or are a constant reminder of my failure to conceive is one of the ways I know how to help me move on. I've kept quiet all this while because I don't want to offend anybody. But I cry when I hear people talk about their pregnancies and babies and I can't keep on doing that to myself anymore. A wise friend told me that God is the best listener, so yesterday after prayer I spoke to Him, all the while crying my eyeballs out. I had to stop reading the Qur'an because I was crying so hard the words were barely audible and comprehensible. 

People may say that I'm a bit bitter/immature/jealous, and maybe I am. I'm only human after all. I already feel awful about myself and I don't need people to tell me that. My friends tell me that they miss me. Well, guess what? I miss me too. More than anything I miss the old me. The old me would talk about babies without going to the loo and crying her eyes out. The old me would be over the moon about a pregnancy news and not think "when is my turn?" The old me was happy. 

I'm hoping that I will become my old me again, but maybe I never will. This TTC journey has changed me, for the better and for worse. I've met wonderful friends along the way. My outlook on life and family has changed. My take on what and who is important in my life has changed. And I will keep on changing as I travel on this sometimes lonely journey. I'm not going to apologize for it. Life happens. Shit happens. Some people are strong and brave and take on tragedies by the horn, and I applaud that. Good for you. But not everyone is built that way. I'm not built that way. Life would be dull if God intended for everyone to behave the same way, wouldn't it?

I don't need drama and I don't need stress. I need people to understand. Empathy is key. You may not know the pain us infertiles are going through, but I'm pretty sure you do know what pain feels like. Any kind of pain, it hurts. The degree of pain may be different but it hurts all the same. I don't need people feeding me advice on what supplements/food to take to make me more fertile. Believe you me, I have done my fair share of research and I've had more than enough advice I feel like I can make a book out of it. And just because your fertility doctor got you pregnant after the tenth try, it does not mean that I'm ready to change doctor. What works for you may not work for me. I don't need people to dictate when I should move on. It's my life. I dictate how I live it. I will move on when I'm ready, and not a second sooner. People think that they have the right to hand out advice, even when it's not needed. The general rule on advice is, if it's not asked for, don't give it. It may come off as insensitive and rude. 

So there. I've said my piece. I may sound like a broken record but this has to be said. I'm taking control of my life. I am the captain of my ship. Deal with it.