Taking Control

I haven't been feeling like myself lately, especially since after the failed IUI #3. To top it all off, two of my friends are pregnant about the same time my IUI failed. It was no longer like a punch in the gut. It was like my whole body was  being punched to a pulp.

Yesterday I left my group chat simply because the conversation revolved around which stroller/baby carrier/cot is the best in the market. It's not something that I can deal with right now. I've said this before and I will keep saying it until I'm blue in the face, lest some people have the wrong impression of me. I am happy, so happy for you pregnant ladies out there, especially those who have been TTC. But  talking about which baby carrier is the best in the market is not something I want to do, nor is it a conversation I can contribute to. It is never my intention to take away anybody's happiness about the little peanut growing in her womb. But it is a tad insensitive to be talking about babies in a room while fully aware that I'm the only one without children and the only one still trying to get pregnant. We're all adults. We do not need to be taught how to behave appropriately. It's common sense. I may be selfish here but I'm not gonna apologize for it. Removing myself from the things that depress me or are a constant reminder of my failure to conceive is one of the ways I know how to help me move on. I've kept quiet all this while because I don't want to offend anybody. But I cry when I hear people talk about their pregnancies and babies and I can't keep on doing that to myself anymore. A wise friend told me that God is the best listener, so yesterday after prayer I spoke to Him, all the while crying my eyeballs out. I had to stop reading the Qur'an because I was crying so hard the words were barely audible and comprehensible. 

People may say that I'm a bit bitter/immature/jealous, and maybe I am. I'm only human after all. I already feel awful about myself and I don't need people to tell me that. My friends tell me that they miss me. Well, guess what? I miss me too. More than anything I miss the old me. The old me would talk about babies without going to the loo and crying her eyes out. The old me would be over the moon about a pregnancy news and not think "when is my turn?" The old me was happy. 

I'm hoping that I will become my old me again, but maybe I never will. This TTC journey has changed me, for the better and for worse. I've met wonderful friends along the way. My outlook on life and family has changed. My take on what and who is important in my life has changed. And I will keep on changing as I travel on this sometimes lonely journey. I'm not going to apologize for it. Life happens. Shit happens. Some people are strong and brave and take on tragedies by the horn, and I applaud that. Good for you. But not everyone is built that way. I'm not built that way. Life would be dull if God intended for everyone to behave the same way, wouldn't it?

I don't need drama and I don't need stress. I need people to understand. Empathy is key. You may not know the pain us infertiles are going through, but I'm pretty sure you do know what pain feels like. Any kind of pain, it hurts. The degree of pain may be different but it hurts all the same. I don't need people feeding me advice on what supplements/food to take to make me more fertile. Believe you me, I have done my fair share of research and I've had more than enough advice I feel like I can make a book out of it. And just because your fertility doctor got you pregnant after the tenth try, it does not mean that I'm ready to change doctor. What works for you may not work for me. I don't need people to dictate when I should move on. It's my life. I dictate how I live it. I will move on when I'm ready, and not a second sooner. People think that they have the right to hand out advice, even when it's not needed. The general rule on advice is, if it's not asked for, don't give it. It may come off as insensitive and rude. 

So there. I've said my piece. I may sound like a broken record but this has to be said. I'm taking control of my life. I am the captain of my ship. Deal with it.

Addiction

Hi, my name is Aiza and I'm a book addict.

Those of you who know me well can attest to this. I'm a book addict and I'm not ashamed to admit it. I have about twenty unread books on my bookshelves, but that doesn't stop me from buying at least one new book a month. I love everything about books. I'm a book sniffer. Before I start reading a new book, I always pick it up, turn the pages and bring it to my nose for a good sniff. You may find this weird, but I love now different paper smells differently. I love the woody, oaky smell. Don't believe me? Try it yourself.

I have to thank my dad for this addiction. Since me and my sisters were little, he would always bring us to bookstores and book fairs, and I loved it. I would find a spot in a bookstore, pick up a random book from the shelf and sit down to devour it. I now return the favour by bringing to the bookstores and buying him books. One of my favourite memories of school is going to the library during free periods. I was a frequent borrower. I would dread the time when I had to return the library books that I borrowed at her counter coz that meant the book and I had to part ways. Suffice to say, I always returned the books late. I often ignored the evil eye the librarian gave me. I also didn't mind when my dad picked me up late from school, coz that would mean more time for me spend at the library.

Unfortunately, now that I'm all grown up, have a sometimes stressful job and am married, I have less time to read. But that doesn't stop me from buying books. Oh no siree. During the last Big Bad Book sale (one of the biggest book fairs in the country) I spent about RM800 on books for me and dad. Money well spent I say.

I discovered Book Depository a couple of years and am now a frequent buyer. I love buying books online. Whenever I got a call from the mailing room at the office to pick up a parcel, my heart will skip in anticipation of tearing the package up to get to the book that I ordered. The coolest thing about Book Depository is that the books are super cheap and they offer free shipping to anywhere in the world. Their catalogue is huge and you can find almost any book there.

If you're an avid reader and a book addict, I seriously recommend going to the website and browse. You can click on the link above or the banner on my blog page. You can spend hours browsing, I can assure you. Try it, and you might find something you like. I know I always do. Happy browsing!

Of Being Sad and Coping

Yesterday, on my way to work, a good friend of mine texted me and told me that she needed to tell me something. In my heart I already knew what she was going to say. That she was pregnant. Again, while I'm over the moon about her being pregnant, I was extremely sad for me. I told her truthfully that I was crying while we were texting and she understood. Knowing my fertility struggles, she also understood how difficult it would be for me if she announced it to our group of friends, so she decided to tell me personally first. At that moment, I felt such gratitude for this friend thinking about how considerate she was.

I've been having my "alone time" lately after I found out about my BFN. I didn't feel like socializing much. While I know that it's not healthy, I've also been staying away from my closest friends. Our daily conversations will be peppered with stories about babies and pregnancies, and I cannot deal with that right now. It's something that I need to do. Do I miss them? Sure I do. But I miss my old self more. And I want to be my old self again. I want to be happy and to be ready for our next IVF. I think I deserve to be selfish once in a while, for me and DH's sake. Speaking of DH, since he was next to me when my friend texted me, I asked him if guys are affected by pregnancy announcements too? He told me that he does get affected, although he doesn't show it, most probably because he doesn't want me to be more sad that I already am by those announcements. And that made me sad. Most of the time we tend to feel that all these struggles are mostly about us, the wives, and we sometimes forget that our husbands are in the same position as we are.

And speaking of being sad, I recently read Imam Khalid Latif's article in Huffington Post. Reading it felt like such a comfort to me. In his article he says that there is nothing wrong about being sad. It's what makes us human. Even the Prophet pbuh shed tears upon the death of his son, Ibrahim. I'll leave you with a quote from the article.

"I don't think being sad is necessarily an indication of one's faith, especially not a weakness of it" ~ Imam Khalid Latif

Have a good day!

Shine On

Thank you so much Melissa for nominating me for the Shine On Award. So apparently there are rules to follow when you are nominated.

Rules:

1. Display the award logo on you blog
2. Link back to the person who nominated you
3. State 7 things about yourself
4. Nominate 15 other bloggers for this award and link to them

So, 7 boring things about myself LOL:

1. I am a Sagittarius
2. I'm a lawyer but my dream is to open a cozy cafe bookshop
3. I love going for runs to clear my head and to think
4. I'm a kid at heart. I love to watch cartoons. My favourites include Kim Possible and Totally Spies. And has anyone seen Despicable Me 2? Aren't the minions adorable? :D
5. I love to read books. Before I start reading a new book, I always sniff the pages first
6. I'm a couch potato
7. I'm not a crier but when I do cry, I do it alone. Don't want anyone to see snot running down my face, eh? :P

I nominate these awesome bloggers (not quite 15 :P):

1. http://chroniclesoftheconceptionallychallenged.wordpress.com/

2. http://foxinthehenhouse.wordpress.com/

3. http://matasipit.blogspot.com/

4. http://janetoffkilter.blogspot.com/

5. http://onemunchkin.blogspot.com/

6. http://nowandevermore.wordpress.com/

7. http://stupidstork.blogspot.com/

8. http://the2weekwait.blogspot.com/

9. http://ryanbreport.blogspot.com/

10. http://whoshotdownmystork.blogspot.com/

11. http://damnthatstork.blogspot.com/

I Cried. So What?

I haven't cried in the toilet for a long while now, not since IVF #2 ended with a miscarriage, but this morning I gave in to my emotions. I cried when I found out my BFF is pregnant via IVF #2. Don't get me wrong. I'm over the moon for her. But I'm also sad for me. So I cried because of my failed IUI. I cried because of a yet another broken dream of me becoming a mother. I cried because a meeting I had this morning went badly. I cried because a twat told me to adopt because that will guarantee me being pregnant. I cried because a blogger I follow had a chemical pregnancy at 4 weeks. I cried reading encouraging words from my friends. I cried because sometimes I feel unappreciated as a friend (a simple "how are you" goes a long way). I cried because I'm grateful for my friends who do appreciate and care for me.

I must have stayed in the toilet for a good 20 minutes sobbing and crying my heart out. Did I feel better after that? A little bit. But the sadness and pain are still there. They will always be there. And that "why me?" question will always be lingering in my head. I've carried that sadness with me for 8 years and I will continue to carry it until the day God decides that I've been sad long enough. 

One of my BBC friends told me today that "God is still perfecting all the right parts and making sure everything is right. When it's ready He will ship the most beautiful baby to us when the time is ideal." Another BBC friend said, "it takes an incredible person to go through what we've been through and to keep going." Those beautiful words brought tears to my eyes. So I thank you Princess and Mandy for reminding me of this and of what I'm fighting for. 

And my best friend's text telling me that "God will never break his promise, so long as we keep praying and hoping" had me bawling.

But I am incredible and I am strong. Sometimes I forget that. Sometimes I need to be reminded. So I will not give up, and I will not lose hope. I will however have a mini Magnum and a bar of chocolate for dinner and a cuddle with DH for dessert tonight.

I Need To Vent

You know what bums me out? People's lack of empathy. And when people who are closest to you let you down? It sucks, and it hurts. I remember after my second IVF ended in a miscarriage, a friend told me to take a few days to to grieve and them move on. I'm sorry. What the bloody f***? Who the hell is she to tell me how long to grieve? Grieving is a process. You don't just snap out of it and "move on" in just a few days. I had a baby inside of me for 6 weeks and that baby died, and you're telling me to grieve for a few days? And when my recent IUI failed and I told a couple of friends that I'm taking a break from treatment and will be going to Japan in November, they told me that they're jealous about my trip. Ermmm...hello? My beta came back negative and you're jealous that I'm going to Japan? Again, what the bloody f***? What about me being jealous of you guys who have kids/pregnant? I get that maybe they mean well, but seriously folks, a little tact is much appreciated.

I can't begin to tell you how upset am I of this. I'm already beginning to feel distant and disconnected from the people I'm close to. Maybe it's just me being overly insensitive. Maybe I'm being a bit selfish in thinking that my feelings matter. But that's me. People who know me know how much I want a baby, how much I crave being a mom. A little support (with the right words) is all I'm asking for. I'm particularly sad about all this because I like to think that I'm a good friend. When my friends need encouragement, I try to be there on the sidelines cheering them on with imaginary pom-poms. One of my buttcheeks is currently pregnant via IVF #2, although it hurts me like crazy (we went for treatment at almost the same time), I am genuinely happy for her.

It's funny that at times like this, I find myself turning to strangers. Well, not exactly strangers, just people I know but have never met. I turn to my Babycenter friends for support, and they have been incredible. I cannot even begin to tell them how much their support means to me. I also turn to my Twitter friends, whom also I have never met. Their sense of humor gets me through days when I feel like banging my head against the wall.

So to my friends who have been there for me, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. If I could give each and every one of a you a hug, I would. To those who haven't, I hope that time will heal all wounds. I really do love you guys, but for now it hurts too much.

Boo

Went to the hospital yesterday for my beta. It was a BFN. I don't know how much more of this I can take. Have I mentioned that infertility sucks?