TGIF!

Hello chickens! TGIF! Oh yeah! Gosh, it's been a while hasn't it? A lot has happened in the last couple of months. Not all of them interesting. Good news. My cyst has gone completely so I'm back at the gym trying to keep in shape in preparation of our next IVF, whenever that may be. We were initially planning to do a fresh cycle after Eid, which would be this month. But since we're going on our annual long holiday in November, it's not really a good time to do it. So hopefully we'll do it when we come back in December.

My period was late this month by two days, which gave me hope. And then it came. I haven't felt this depressed in a long time and this month I broke. I haven't been feeling all that good mentally the last month or so. The postponement of our IVF contribute I think. I remember yesterday I was sitting in front of my laptop at the office and suddenly my eyes were welling with tears. Sigh...

Anyway, I think I've gotten quite good with my yoga practice. On Wednesday I went for my advanced yoga flow class and we were practising our inversions, headstands, handstands and arm balances with the wall. I used to struggle a lot even with the wall and now I feel like I'm struggling a lot less and I'm getting a lot stronger. I've read that doing inversions help with infertility, so I'm hoping going for my yoga classes will do me a world of good. 

Alright then. I should get back to work. Have a good weekend my chickens! 

And The Drama Continues

Hello chickadees. Guess what? My life has suddenly become much more interesting than it already is because of the drama that unfolded this morning. What drama you ask? Let me tell you.

It all began on a dark stormy night yesterday when I went to the loo and noticed that there was blood in my panty. Very weird considering I just had my AF two weeks ago, if you remember my last post. So I texted my RE who told me to go see her for a scan this morning, and I told her I would. And that was that, so far. And then last night after I finished my yoga classes at the gym. I was looking for hubs and couldn't find so I texted him to ask where he was. He told me that he skipped gym and was sleeping in the car. He said that  didn't feel too good. Apparently a certain part of his anatomy is in pain. What now??? But I let it go coz I thought it was nothing. And then at 3 a.m. today I woke up to the sound of him going to the loo. I asked him if he was okay and he told me that he was really in pain. He couldn't sleep and couldn't even walk properly by then. So I took a look at the said anatomy and found a bump the size of a thumb.

I was beginning to freak out by then and told him to get dressed and let me take him to the clinic, and he quickly did as he was told. This further freaked me out because he never agrees to see the doctor for anything, so I was guessing by then that he was really, really in pain. So I drove him to the clinic at 3 in the morning, when nary a soul was awake except us, the nurse and the doctor at the clinic. The doctor took one look at the bump and told us with a straight face that there is puss inside i.e. bisul. Whadahel??? He said that it's pretty common among guys, and the only thing he could do was take a truckload of antibiotics and some pain killers and pray that it goes down in a couple of days. So we took the meds and went on our merry way back home. After taking the pain killer and putting the antibiotic ointment on the bump, he was sleeping soundly after 5 minutes. Me on the other hand couldn't sleep a wink.

After four hours of battling with insomnia, I got out of bed and got ready for my emergency appointment with Dr. Adilah. I was driving on the highway (since hubs was still in pain and couldn't move) and singing at the top of my lungs when hubs texted me and told me that his bisul ruptured. Whaaaaat??? I called him (using bluetooth of course) since I detest people who text when they're driving (come on guys, I don't care about your life, since you obviously don't, but have a care for the other people on the road you're endangering) and he repeated that his bisul ruptured and that he was "feeling so much better". I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

Aaaaaanyway, I reached the hospital, told her nurse like the boss that I am (yeah right), that Dr. Adilah told me that I didn't have to make an appointment since this was an emergency when 5 minutes later Dr. Adilah came strolling in and asked me to come in side her clinic. We chatted for a few minutes, I told her what the blood from my bleeding looks like and before long she had me lying on the bed with the transvaginal wand in her hands. She showed me the screen and what did we see? A bloody 6mm cyst. Whaaaat??? I have never had a cyst in my entire life and here it is the size of a golf ball (on the screen anyway. I'm exaggerating here but you get the picture). The good news is that we can get rid of it with the help of meds, but if it doesn't shrink by the time of my next appointment at the end of the month, I'm looking at surgery to remove. The bad news is, it could rupture and then the doctor is gonna have to perform an emergency surgery. Oh hell to the no! I'm supposed to go to Krabi with my girlfriends on Thursday! She did say that I could go provided I don't go swimming and to minimize my movement. That means that I won't be going to the gym for the next couple of weeks (a little bit of my soul died then) and even have to perform prayers while sitting on a chair.

That's not even the best part. She then asked me, "how sure are you that you're pregnant?" Whaaaaat??? (this counts as No. 4, right?) I told her that I wasn't sure but I also told her that it's unlikely since I had my period two weeks ago. But she ordered a beta anyway while I looked at her like she was an alien from Planet Areyoucrazy. Her rationale was that if by a miniscule chance (my words, not hers) that if I'm pregnant, I cannot take Norcolut, a drug to stop my bleeding and shrink the cyst because it's not suitable for pregnant women and I have to take Duphaston instead. Being the good patient that I am, I went to the lab and had my blood sample taken. At 2 p.m. her nurse called and told me my beta is <2. Bahahahahaha!!! Sister, I could have saved RM168 and told you that myself! So Norcolut it is!

So that was the drama ladies and gentlemen. We'll see how it goes in a couple of weeks. Hopefully my cyst behaves and shrinks itself into oblivion soon. I swear it felt like I was in a comedy the whole morning.

What was your morning like? LOL!!!

Coup d'etat

Yup. This is what I am feeling right now. Three days ago for some reason what I thought was AF made an appearance. It was 7 days too early. And it came in streaks. TMI, I know. Yesterday was the most blood I got, and it didn't even fill one napkin. Today it decided to come in streaks again. It seems like my body has done a coup d'etat on me. So I texted Dr Adilah to tell her about my traitorous body and whether I should take progynova after all this madness has stopped. You see, during our last visit to the doctor, she suggested that I do a mock cycle and prescribed progynova to see how my endometrium responds to it. It appears that during that visit, she wasn't too happy with the thickness of my endometrium, hence the mock cycle. But now with the coup d'etat she suggested that I wait for my next cycle to start my progynova. I'm then asked her if this is normal after IVF, and she said that some people go through this and I don't stop bleeding she'll prescribe some antibiotics. My body is plotting something. I know it.

Anyway, yesterday I went to Meridians Japanese healing centre. Big sis suggested it to me, telling me that her friend did acupuncture there and is now 7 weeks pregnant. Since we didn't have anything to lose anyway, we decided to give it a go. And I'm glad we did. Japanese acupuncture is different from Chinese acupuncture. There's more detail to it. And we loved our therapist, a British bloke who has done this for so long. We went for a consult first and he asked us a lot of questions to find out what we really want out of the therapy. And then he examined me, pressing my abdomen and my legs, taking my pulse etc. And from our previous IVF experience and from his examination, he gathered that my qi is concentrated on my upper body, and does not distribute evenly to my whole body. My pulse is also a bit on the weak side. He then did a moxa treatment where he placed tiny cones on my body and lit them up, sun Uffington out the flame just before it hit my skin. And then he did acupuncture on my back and another round of moxa, which was quite lovely. After the session he felt my pulse again and seemed quite happy with it, which made me happy. He told us that he prefers for me to do a weekly session for three months, by the end of which hopefully I can get pregnant naturally. The session itself is quite expensive, with RM160 per visit, but we thought that's a small price to pay compared to RM30k on a round of IVF. We were quite happy with the session and already made an appointment for next weekend. I mean, I love Dr Adilah. She's the best. But if I can get pregnant naturally without IVF, I sure as he'll am gonna try.

For anyone interested in doing the Japanese acupuncture, you can visit this website. They don't do walk-ins, so it's best for you to make an appointment. Give it a go. It may or may not help, but it doesn't hurt to try, eh?

The interior of Meridians. It's got quite a zen vibe to it. I nicked this from another blog coz I forgot to take a picture of it. What can I say? I was nervous :P

Also, I also would like you, my darling chickadees to say a prayer for my good friend (let's call her Ms. I), who is now pregnant. She's having a tough pregnancy and her doctor says that it may not be a viable one, so keep her in your thoughts, will you? She's a tough cookie, this one, having gone through a lot to have a baby, but that's a story I'll tell in another post.

Till next time, hope you chickadees had a lovely weekend, and those on the other side of the world, have a good one ok?

Even the Strongest Break

I broke. I've been putting on a brave front these past couple of days, convincing myself that I was alright. And then on Friday while I was in the shower, I cried. Like really cried. The kind that makes you cry so hard it gives you hiccups and your chest hurts. And then I performed the Asar prayer and cried to Him. So I guess the strongest breaks sometimes.

While having dinner tonight with hubs, I told him that this year we'll have our baby. And he smiled at me. He told me that the fact that we don't have a baby yet does not mean that it's not our rezeki. Well, not entirely. It's because God is testing us, to see how strong we are when faced with His tests. I reminded him that this is our fourth IVF fail, and he smiled at me and reminded me that it means that we're really strong then. My husband is a rock star.

In other news, I told a friend about our IVF fail and she said,"well it's not like you failed an exam." She is the shittiest of all shitheads. She is also now dead to me.

Bruises, and no baby

So I'm in bed watching the series finale of Parenthood (for the second time) as I write this. Have you seen it by the way? It's really good. Had me cry buckets. Anyway, I had my FET ET last Wednesdsy. Everything looked perfect. We transferred two blastocysts, and both of the have hatched.

See?

Before the ET I had to take Orgalutron and Proluton shots. As I said, they hurt like a bitch. And they gave me bruises.

See??

So after ET I was on bed rest, eating mostly rice with fish and vegetables, nothing spicy until my beta on Wednesday. And guess what? My beta is 3. 3!!! 2 more points to being pregnant. Laughable really. It really felt like the universe was mocking me. Dr. Adilah however told me my progesterone level looks good and asked me to stay on my progesterone pills and comeback for beta on Friday, which is today. So I went again for beta, waited till 12 pm to text the doctor to ask her my result and her reply was, "beta is <2. Stop medication. Call for appoint on day 12." 

So that's it folks! We're done for this cycle. 

I have to say though, that me and DH did really well emotionally this time. We didn't cry when we found out the result. I cried buckets over Parenthood finale and none when I found out our beta result both times. We took it in our stride. I suppose you can say for me especially, too much disappointments have made me a little bit indifferent. Am I disappointed? Of course I am. Am I giving up? Hell to the no. I guess I'm more accepting this time. I mean, DH, our RE and I have done all we could and we left it all to Him. And He is saying it is not our time yet, so me and DH accept that. We're already talking about our plans for our 5th IVF, whether it's a via a fresh cycle or FET. We still have two morulas left, so we'll see.

Do I feel like I've been punched in the gut and roll my eyes to high heaven when I see my friends post photos of their perfect babies on my Instagram feed? Of course I do. Come on guys. I'm only human. But I'm accepting it.

I'm going on a holiday in Krabi with my best girlfriends and their families in March, and then DH wants us to go on a holiday just the two of us after that. I suggested we get our diving certificates, something that I have always wanted to do, and he is open to it. And then we'll start trying again Insha Allah.

In the meantime, since I'll be returning to the office next Wednesday, I'm gonna spend the rest of my break finishing watching Parenthood reruns with a box of Kleenex next to me. Seriously guys. Go watch it. One of the best, if not the best TV shows ever, after Friday Night Lights. And we know how I feel about Friday Night Lights :D

And We Have Blood

So I had my last Orgalutron shot for this cycle 19 minutes ago. And I drew blood. What a nice send off. Hubs looked like he could faint. Men. Tough on the outside but gooey on the inside. Like marshmallows. LOL.

There. It doesn't look that bad, does it? Hurts like a b***ch though LOL. Anyway, that's done. I'm already on Femoston which I have take vaginally. Speaking of...

See, sometimes the only things that will get you through all this hardship and ordeal are (a) praying, and (b) a truck load of humour. 

On another note, I've been going to the gym for a couple of months now and I've only recently started joining the Body Balance class. It's a combination of yoga, Pilates and tai chi and I have to say, the class is so good and the instructor is way awesome. I've heard and read people say that yoga is good for fertility so I'm giving it a go. And if you guys are thinking of taking up yoga, try Fitness First at Avenue K and keep a lookout for classes conducted by one Nick Heng. Love the dude!

Right. Off to bed now. Good night my chickadees!

Happy New Year!

Hello lovelies. How's 2015 treating you so far?  Good I hope, unlike mine. I slept through the fireworks. No surprise there. The first couple of days of 2015 have been a bit bumpy for me. AF came, which means that I had to start taking my Orgalutron shots and my Progynova pills. For some reason, this time the idea of giving myself shots terrified me. I am suddenly afraid of needles. WTH??? I had to take a couple of breaths before giving myself my first shot, and the needle didn't seem to want to pierce my tummy. So I had to try again. And it hurt like hell. I even shed a few tears. WTH??? That has never happened before. I used to be okay with needles. Needles and me? We used to be buddies.

The second shot I had to give myself, I had to do it without hubs sitting next to me. He had to go back to his hometown in Kelantan to clean up his dad's house which was hit by the recent flood. Not the best time for him to go back, but it was something he had to do. And I cried buckets when I sent him to the airport, you would think I wouldn't see him for a year hen in fact he was only gone for one night. Thank God a good friend called to ask if I was okay and asked me out for brunch. We had a good laugh and for a while I forgot how lonely I was without hubs. Thanks Intan! You saved me from a day of wallowing :P That night, I had hubs on speaker the whole time I gave myself the shot. 

3rd shot tonight he was at already at home with me holding my hand. He turned away of course. He can't stand needles and seeing me in pain is something he cannot do. And boy did it hurt. I bled a little and it hurt bad that my teeth chattered for a good few minutes after that. 

So that was my 2015 so far. Fun stuff. I'm supposed to go easy and not strain myself too much. Nurse's order. I'm still gonna do my Pilates and yoga for a bit before I have to stop going to the gym for a while. Tomorrow's gonna be a lazy day. If we wake up early we might go for a morning walk, walk to the market, make lunch and then spend the afternoon on the couch watching DVDs. And then I need to psyche myself up to take the 4th shot at night. I'm already gritting my teeth at the thought.

Until the next update, I hope you are having a lovely weekend my chickadees!